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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

272 replies

coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 08:20

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over Confused

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 10/02/2020 08:30

Maybe you need to step back from all the wedding preparations, and not be so involved.

You’ve already explained that you won’t be going, so keep repeating this. It’s unfair of her to keep demanding that you do go. Brides who plan weddings abroad should expect that some people are unable to go.

Don’t feel guilty, you have nothing to be guilty about. A wedding invite is an invite, and not a summons.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/02/2020 08:32

Stand your ground- people can’t have weddings abroad and expect everyone to be able to come. It’s tough!

RhymingRabbit3 · 10/02/2020 08:34

She is being unreasonable. If she genuinely "can't get married without you there" then she shouldnt have booked it in a remote and expensive location. I'm sure you arent the only person who has declined the invitation (I certainly would).

Also you're ruining it because she planned for 4 bridesmaids. I dont see how number of bridesmaids affects any plans except how many dresses to buy and if she is that bothered I'm sure she has another friend she could ask to be number 4.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 08:35

Don't go.

A wedding abroad is one thing. Spending hundreds of pounds to go on holiday without your family and missing your child's first birthday is something else entirely.

Boom45 · 10/02/2020 08:35

One of my best friends got married abroad when my eldest was just under a year old. It wasnt anywhere really expensive (just Spain) but i didn't go. I didn't want to leave my baby, who was still breastfed anyway, and I didn't fancy taking her and my husband and juggling the childcare and wedding stuff in the heat and manage in a small hotel room.
I told her why not, she was fine.
I have never really understood why people get married abroad then get angry when people don't go, there are all sorts of reasons why people wont go that far for a wedding

MamaGee09 · 10/02/2020 08:35

If couples choose to get married abroad they need to be prepared that not everyone can go. The expense and the distance is a huge factor that would stretch most couples budget.

If you definitely can’t go then stand your ground and take a step back from wedding prep,

Nonnymum · 10/02/2020 08:35

You are not being unreasonable but she is by not being happy about your baby. You have told her in plenty of time.
At the moment she is caught up in wedding preeration so that is all that matters to her in a few tears time, hopefully, she will get this in perspective and realise that her wedding is not the most important thing in the world.

MumofTinies · 10/02/2020 08:36

She sounds a bit of a narcissist OP, given her reaction to your pregnancy and her expecting you to leave your baby over thier first birthday to attend her wedding.

If she keeps badgering you to go despite you saying no then I think you don't have much choice but to step back from her completely.

Ikora · 10/02/2020 08:37

I have been to a few weddings abroad but it’s because one of the people marrying is from the country and their families are there. Anyone else can really just get over people not going to their destination wedding. She is not a real friend at all if she is trying to guilt you. I guarantee that wedding will go ahead without you, I could not be arsed with someone who is so manipulative and is ok with being such a drama queen.

toomuchtooold · 10/02/2020 08:38

Bloody hell, does she remember it's her fiance she's marrying, not her best mate?

Newkitchen123 · 10/02/2020 08:45

We got married abroad
We fully understood if people couldn't come. No one was obliged etc
If you're going to plan to get married abroad you have to factor this in
The only person she can't get married without is the groom
Just step back from her

Willow2017 · 10/02/2020 08:47

Her choice to have a wedding abroad in a remote place not her choice to insist people go out thier way to go it. I dont know why people think others should lose days travelling and fork out a fortune for one day for someone else! If she doesnt realise the world doesnt revolve round her now she never will.
Just ignore her and change the subject every time she mentions it.

If she keeps up the pressure step back and say you arent going to be able to arrange hen night or attend dress fittjngs etc as she is making you feel uncomfortable and you are not going to put yourself in that position just because your circumstances have changed and she cant see that.
Shame but some people just think their wedding is the first ever and more important than anyone else's life.

2020newme · 10/02/2020 08:49

She sounds ridiculous. Just stick to your guns. You have no reason to feel guilty.

I bet she wouldn't entertain the idea if the situation were reversed Grin

ClubfootMaestro · 10/02/2020 08:50

Oh God, she sounds awful. I am normally very in favour of a bride being entitled to have a nice wedding day but this goes beyond that.

Tbh she lost me by being disappointed about you being pregnant. She is incredibly selfish and I would not make the effort required to attend for someone who clearly only cares about herself.

You have gone the extra mile trying to make it up for her and you sound lovely, far too nice for her.

SeaViewBliss · 10/02/2020 08:54

I wouldn't focus on the difficulties of taking your DS, his Birthday etc. Just keep reminding her that it is about the cost. Whether you just can't afford it or could but aren't comfortable with spending the money.

'As I have said, it's out of our budget'

PetitTorteois · 10/02/2020 08:59

Gosh definitely don't go. She sounds very self-centred. I hate it when people can't take no for an answer and keep pushing. When this happens I usually withdraw from the friendship. Telling other people what they should or shouldn't do is not a great trait.

AlwaysCheddar · 10/02/2020 09:02

She’s sounds dreadful!! Yanbu!

Original poster
coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 09:02

I did make the mistake of saying if it wasn't abroad then it would more than likely be possible for us to go. She then said that I had encouraged her to book it abroad and she wouldn't have if I hadn't said that!
All I'd said was as it was her wedding and she had all the choice in the world, she should book whatever she wants

I will try to distance myself, I think I might have more than made up for it now and it might be making it worse

I think she can be a bit precious, her parents have always pandered to her every whim, including paying for everything for said wedding, so that's probably not helped her attitude.
It's awkward because I got married just before she got engaged (locally, mine you) and she was a helpful bridesmaid for me and so I feel like I need to return the favour

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 09:03

Toomuch Grin she needs reminding I think

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 10/02/2020 09:04

Where is the wedding?

Original poster
coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 09:08

Shirley it's in a remote part of Italy bang smack in the middle of the hottest part of the summer

OP posts:
ClubfootMaestro · 10/02/2020 09:12

It happened to me - and a lot of brides - that people I made a huge effort for their hen/wedding etc weren’t able to come to mine, or came but left early due to the kids etc. It’s annoying and it’s a shame but it’s life, and it’s no one’s fault. You can be privately disappointed but you certainly can’t be annoyed with someone, and as I say you’ve really tried hard to show she is important by getting involved in planning and booking a spa day.

She’s allowed to be sad you can’t go but it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.

AuntImmortelle · 10/02/2020 09:14

Yes where is this wedding? Unless it's in Outer Mongolia then I can't imagine it's days of travelling.

Anyway I do agree that if you have a destination wedding you have to accept some people won't come. Fair enough.

However, if she is one of your closest friends, then I do think you're also being a bit precious. To be honest, your DC won't know if you're not there in their actual first birthday and you could celebrate it a week later with family and it'll all be fine. Your closest friend will hopefully only be getting married once. I can tell you, in all honesty, years down the road from now, you will come to regret not making the effort to go.

We make many excuses when we have young children because it feels so hard, tiring, difficult to make changes when you're in that baby and toddler time. But when you're out of this you will look back at choices you made and think you were a bit silly. That's the truth from someone much further down the line from you.

So it comes down to how close you are and how you'd feel if it changed your friendship.

dognamedspot · 10/02/2020 09:15

"Look friend, I'm going to say this just once more and then you need to stop going on about it every time we meet. My circumstances have changed a lot since you started to plan your wedding. Now it's just not practical for me to go, and anyway I can't afford it. I can't afford it even if I go on my own, even if you ignore other obstacles. So please can you stop nagging at me now, because if you carry on you'll ruin our friendship". In fact, I'd be tempted to put that in a letter. So much more personal than texts and much less easy to ignore than a conversation.

Livebythecoast · 10/02/2020 09:16

Wow! You should NOT feel guilty. It's not like she's getting married in an easy to get to, inexpensive place. Plus you're not pulling out last minute and have given her ample warning you cannot attend.
I understand she's disappointed you won't be there but she is being very unreasonable. Please don't let her guilt trip you. If she's any kind of decent friend she should understand your reasons for not going but still want you included in the preparations and you've been very kind arranging the spa trip.
I agree with pp, if she choses to get married in a different country that's fine but she has to realise not everyone can attend and she's being very unfair expecting you to go alone too.
Stick to your guns - I hope she sees sense and doesn't make you feel guilty Flowers

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