To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

It's a shame you can't make it OP - there are some places in Italy that aren't that easy to get to, especially if you don't live near London and have a choice of airports/airlines etc. Without the added stress of getting a hire car and travelling with a little one. So many of the wedding venues I have looked at are miles away from any decent transport links.

All this is actually irrelevant though - she is being hugely unreasonable to keep pushing you like this! You'd end up resenting her and out of pocket if you did go - she needs to realise that whilst this may be the most important day of her life, no-one else really cares that much. You have told her no enough times, she should stop asking, it's unfair.

Honestly, it sounds like you're being precious about your DC's first birthday and letting your friend down.
You should have stepped back completely when you decided you weren't going and stopped making excuses.
One-year-olds are very portable. It's actually a very easy age to travel with them. I attended a wedding in a similar location when DD was a similar age. (DP was working so DD and I went on our own) but my priority was attending and making it work not finding excuses not to go. tbh the weakness of your excuses is probably why your friend thinks you'll change your mind. If you'd just said 'we're not coming because we have a dc and I'll step back from my duties' that would have been fine. A spa weekend is a poor substitute for your bridesmaid not attending your wedding.

Italy is expensive actually and if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it OP. We had to buy a new car when DS was born and that was an expense we hadn’t foreseen!!
I don’t know why people obsess over weddings so much. I couldn’t give any shits who was at mine so long as my husband to be was there.
Anyway she’d have lost me at being disappointed at my pregnancy. She’s purely selfish.

“Honestly, it sounds like you're being precious about your DC's first birthday and letting your friend down. ”

Honestly, it sounds like you can’t be bothered to fucking read when the OP has said - now numerous times - SHE CAN’T AFFORD IT. But hey, feel free to wire her a couple of thousand pounds! I’m sure the OP would jump at the chance to prove to you she’s not being “precious.”

Just. Doesn’t. Have. Money.

I can not believe the number of posters who think she should just suck it up and get her family into debt because she “owes” on a promise.

Good on you OP for being a financially responsible adult!

She's choosing to get married in a really expensive, difficult to get to place. She isn't paying for them. She cannot expect people to go. She is LUCKY if they can go. Simple as that.

I can not believe the number of posters who think she should just suck it up and get her family into debt because she “owes” on a promise.

Me neither! All those posters refusing to listen to OP when she says SHE CANNOT AFFORD TO GO NOW – when are you starting the whip-round? Because obviously if it's that important she goes you'll all help fund her trip, right?

Also, I didn't mention that I agreed to be a bridesmaid without knowing the location as she asked me immediately following engagement before wedding planning had started

All those posters refusing to listen to OP when she says SHE CANNOT AFFORD TO GO NOW – when are you starting the whip-round? Because obviously if it's that important she goes you'll all help fund her trip, right? hmm

I understand OP's predicament but I do think that as she has been TTC for a long time, it would have been better to let the bride know at the time she agreed to be bridesmaid that she wouldn't be able to attend if she had a baby by the time the wedding came round.

I just think it's one of those unfortunate situations that can't be helped, but I can completely see why the bride is hurt and upset, particularly as other couples are attending with children so the location is not really a problem, AND OP has been TTC for a long time and therefore could have let the bride know she wouldn't be able to afford to attend and be bridesmaid should TTC be successful.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. She shouldn't expect anyone to attend her wedding, especially as it's a destination one and certainly shouldn't be an arse about it. But you've had two years notice and so time to put money aside and travelling with a baby/toddler really isn't that hard or expensive.

Bibidy Don't get me wrong, I can see why the bride was upset when OP told her. Of course you don't want a close friend to pull out. But she told her 18 months ago, as soon as she realised how her finances were looking, but the bride is STILL hammering away at OP trying to get her to change her mind and it's causing OP distress. Mumsnet loves to talk about putting emotional boundaries in place but for some reason posters think OP isn't allowed to in this instance and the bride should be able to ride roughshod over her feelings.

Bibidy Also, at the time the bride asked her to be bridesmaid, she never said it was a destination wedding. The minute OP realised it was financially beyond her, she told her. EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO.

Also, I didn't mention that I agreed to be a bridesmaid without knowing the location as she asked me immediately following engagement before wedding planning had started

But presumably you didn't withdraw your agreement when you found out the location, so this is a bit immaterial?

But you've had two years notice and so time to put money aside and travelling with a baby/toddler really isn't that hard or expensive. Exactly.

OP, I think you should just accept that, although it's not your fault and you've not done it out of spite, your friend is within her rights to be upset by this. She thinks enough of you to have asked you to be a bridesmaid, so of course she will be upset that you're not there.

You're not wrong not to go if it will be hugely difficult for you, but at the same time she's not wrong to be hurt.

I can't believe she'd expect you to miss your child's first birthday over her wedding that she CHOSE to have abroad🤯

@Longwhiskers14 Yeah 18 months is a long time to bang on! Plus certainly enough time to draft in another bridesmaid.

Bibidy But after 18 months isn't it time that the friend stopped being upset?

Sorry, crossed-post Bibidy!

'Whhhyyyyy is MN full of people who don’t really like their friends?!'

How does liking your friends equate to liking weddings? Friendship is for every day, not just for a wedding. Many people don't even like big weddings for themselves; and either don't get married or get married in a registry office (now they might choose a civil partnership) with only the witnesses they need. Some do have a big wedding, but only to please their parents or other family members. Some do enjoy big weddings, but I know very few people IRL who would take this to the point of making a big fuss if someone couldn't come, especially if they'd planned it for a distant or expensive destination.

For some, willingness and ability to attend big occasions is the biggest test of a friendship. For me (perhaps because I've always had sometimes-unpredictable health problems), the willingness to accept the genuineness of my inability to do certain things is the biggest test of a friendship. Perhaps that is why I don't really have friends who value these occasions above everything: they wouldn't choose me as a friend, and I wouldn't choose them as friends.

Italy isn't remote at all. You are never more than a couple of hours from an airport. I think it's you being precious not her. It's not as even if it expensive to get too. It's also one of the best countries to take children too, the Italians are amazing with them.
I thought you were gonna say somewhere like Mauritius 🙄

If you think you could possibly afford it and maybe make it into a bit of a holiday I found travelling with a baby/ toddler actually surprisingly easy (so much easier on a plane than in the car because they are on your lap). Also this is sadly probably the cheapest point to go abroad with a young child. But if the cost is prohibitive then you obviously should not be getting yourself into financial difficulty just for a wedding.

I also realise that when I’m thinking about travelling to Italy with a 12 month old I am biased as I live in London so the flights are easy. If you are 3 hours from the airport in the first place I can see that the whole thing just seems difficult when you add up all the pieces.

She is definitely being precious IMO.

@Bibidy

An initial response to being a bridesmaid is not a blank cheque.

It's exactly the same for anything else in life. If I asked a friend for dinner on Saturday and they accepted before I told them that actually it was in Paris and they would need to pay for travel and hotel I wouldn't be surprised if they cancel.

Attending this wedding could easily cost £1000 with flights and accommodation. If OP can't afford it, she can't afford it. Maybe she couldn't save that in 18 months as she is living month to month (maternity leave tends to drain everyone's finances) but also she is ALSO entitled to say that having some money spare to be able to repair her washing machine, save for a house or whatever is also important to her (and necessary/responsible). If one of my friends told me that they were going to have to scrimp on everything for two years to attend my wedding I would be horrified and would tell them not to come. But then I think destination weddings are selfish if you care if people attend.

Absolutely fair enough if you can't afford it.

But flying to Italy is very simple and a short flight. I don't think you can say it's because of the travelling. It's more straightforward thank getting trains around the UK.

Just tell her you can't afford it. Mind you what if the then offers to pay? Would you go then?

' I can't believe she'd expect you to miss your child's first birthday over her wedding that she CHOSE to have abroad🤯'

Actually the birthday is the one thing that I don't think is a good reason on its own. If the child was 4 or 5 and very aware of their birthday, then it would be another matter. But a one-year-old won't have a concept of the date, or indeed of the whole concept of a birthday and it would be fine to celebrate it earlier or later. However, many one-year-olds are not easy travellers, like their routine, are likely (more than younger, less mobile babies) to disturb fellow-passengers and fellow-wedding-guests, as well as being very miserable themselves. And also to be very attached to Mummy and unhappy if left behind. And of course the money aspect! I suspect that the friend is quite well off, and can't understand the concept of not being able to afford everything you want.

How does liking your friends equate to liking weddings?

@ddl1Because in real life, many people see it as a Nice Thing that they can go and celebrate a friend’s wedding with them. I find it quite odd that some people on MN make blanket statements such as “disliking weddings” entirely. But then in MN land, lots of people are competitively friendless by choice or feel it’s a personal slight they’ve even been invited to a wedding so 🤷🏼‍♀️

An initial response to being a bridesmaid is not a blank cheque.

It's exactly the same for anything else in life. If I asked a friend for dinner on Saturday and they accepted before I told them that actually it was in Paris and they would need to pay for travel and hotel I wouldn't be surprised if they cancel.

@thetoddleratemyhomework Yep, completely get that. I guess though it depends on whether OP withdrew her agreement to be bridesmaid at this point? I was under the impression that she still was in agreement even after finding out the location, but not since having her baby.

Either way, again I'm not saying OP is wrong but I can completely see why the bride is upset in this scenario.

How does liking your friends equate to liking weddings?

I don't think it's about liking weddings? Surely no one likes weddings

It's about a wedding being one of the most important days in someone's life and ritual of friends and family turning out to witness it and celebrate. I don't enjoy weddings but I would never dream of turning down an invite from a close friend for that reason.

(Not saying this is relevant to OP's situation though. This is just in response to the quote post.)