To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

I think the trend for destinations is incredibly selfish. It is such a financial commitment to expected guests.

YANBU

sounds like OP would be well rid!

I don't disagree at all! But I also understand the bride's POV- many brides can get caught up in the planning and given OP maintained for 18 months she was coming to the wedding, and now with six months to go has changed her mind, it's understandable that her friend is upset.

That's a damn cheek, Mummyshark
It might not be too expensive for you, but the OP has said she can't afford it. Perhaps you'd like to pay for her if the cost is nothing to you?

Ok now you have said it’s in Italy I think you are being a bit over dramatic about the travelling. You of course don’t have to go if you don’t want to but I had assumed it was up a mountain in Bolivia from the way you were talking. It’s a two hour flight and can’t be more than a three hour drive. You are being a bit pathetic.

This thread is really riling me now. All those posters saying the flights aren't that expensive, blah blah – can you not stop to consider that even a couple of hundred pounds might be a huge portion of someone's household budget that they simply cannot afford to spend in this way? What if OP is on maternity leave or has childcare costs that leave her with little disposable income?She should just say sod it and blow the cash? OP sat the bride down 18 MONTHS AGO and told her she couldn't go because of money and now she's being guilt tripped for it.

My husbands family is in Italy- a small northern town that only Ryan air flies to.
I can tell you now it is not cheap!!! This idea that you can get flights to Europe for £50- especially at peak travel time- is ludicrous.
I would also say not everyone is happy to travel with a 1 year old- I hated it, an age when they are way too mobile but in an uncontrolled way. OP do whatever you want, ignore the "oh we travelled to the Amazon Rain forest with a 2 month old and a 3 year old for £50 and it was fine" brigade

OP sat the bride down 18 MONTHS AGO and told her she couldn't go because of money and now she's being guilt tripped for it. angry

Ohh, I misread the OP.as that she told the bride when her baby was 6 months old.

In that case OP, I agree with you- the bride has had plenty of notice to get her head around the fact that you can't make it. I think you're right in that you should withdraw now- you've said what you needed to say.

Sorry about my previous posts OP as they mainly centred on my misunderstanding that you only recently decided you werent going/ couldn't afford the trip.

She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.
Oh, what a shame. She won't be getting married now because you're not going....

I assumed the wedding was going to be long-haul the way you described it in your OP. Maui or the Maldives are a whole different kettle of fish to Italy. You'd only be on the plane for a couple of hours. However, those saying that Italy's not a big country and it can't be that remote aren't strictly correct. Some places in Western Europe can be very tricky to get to. I live somewhere which is 2 hours drive from the nearest airport or 4 hours with public transport. It means either hiring a car (extra expense) or a long and tiring journey which I wouldn't fancy doing at all with a one year old.

The simple fact is your circumstances have changed since the wedding was initially planned. You can't afford it and you have also decided (knowing the location and the exact details of the hotel etc) that it just isn't possible for you now that you've had a baby.
Anyone planning a wedding abroad has to accept that things change and there could be any one of many reasons which prevent guests coming - a pregnancy, cost, childcare issues, a parent becomes seriously ill, a guest is diagnosed with a condition meaning travel isn't possible.
The only response should be "I'm so sorry you can't make it. I'll miss you but I do understand why you can't come" and then some kind of appropriate response relating to the circumstances.

Don't like her use of emotional blackmail. You are somehow responsible for her booking the wedding abroad anyway? She can't get married without you? She planned for 4 bridesmaids?
All bullshit.

I think she is being VU and the very definition of a bridezilla! It might be one thing if you'd let her down at the last minute, but you've given her plenty of time to choose another bridesmaid. The idea that you should either drag your baby to a big occasion in a remote part of Italy, or leave him behind, is a bit much. Some babies would be fine with either of these; some definitely wouldn't, and you don't know at this stage which it would be. (I would not, however, bring up his first birthday in this context- he will not be aware of the date at this age, and it should be quite possible to postpone the celebration.) Also YOU may be sleepless and exhausted - many babies have outgrown the sleepless stage by a year, but not all have. That's before one even gets to the subject of affordability. If she wants every possible person there, she should not choose an expensive distant destination; if the destination is crucial to her, she should be gracious about the fact that not everyone can afford to get there. Unfortunately, there are people who use people's ability to put maximum effort, time and money into attending an event as a test of their friendship. There could be some justice in that if it involved coming to support them at a difficult time (even then, it isn't always possible); but not when it's essentially a big celebration/ party. If she really feels that she can't get married without you in attendance, then (a) she should arrange a closer destination for her wedding; (b) she seems to be confusing marriage with wedding celebration: the only other person who needs to be there for the marriage to take place is the groom! If this is just 'bridezilla syndrome', then she may go back to her old self once the wedding is over. But it may mean that either she is a bit of a bully when she doesn't get her own way in every detail, or that she is jealous of the importance that your child will now play in your life. In either case, you may have to re-evaluate this friendship.

OP - if you had of literally said my friend is getting married abroad and we can no longer afford it - you would have likely to have 100 percent support from all posters. But because you also listed your reasons as long flight (to Italy), baby's birthday etc - it does come across as if you are trying to justify it to both yourself and others. You don't want to go, you can't afford to go - whatever. I think that saying Italy is remote and difficult with a one year old is unreasonable - but if you are asking if have you done everything right in terms of telling your friend you are not going? Yes, you have done everything right. You need to leave it alone now and only she can decide if your friendship is strong enough. I am sorry but from my experiences weddings tend to either strengthen or weaken relationships and you might have to be prepared to let this one go.
I think you might have been better saying to her money just can not stretch rather than trying to say distance was an issue.
Something similar happened to me with an old high school friend who invited us to an amazing wedding in France when our twins were just under one. As a couple I would have gone in a flash but with small twins I said no I did not want the flaff. But if this friend was my best friend or my sister I would have bent over backwards and flaffed away was much as I needed to to get to the wedding. So I suspect your friend is also thinking her friendship with you is on a level where she thinks you would put up with the faff is you considered her friendship to be one of your best friendships.
If you speak to her again - stop talking about distance extra and just say its the money.

I'm sorry, I think you are being unreasonable and precious.

You committed to going. And you have changed your mind. Nothing she has done since you committed to going has changed.

You are basically telling her she is not important to you anymore.

Whilst it is her decision to go abroad, I don't think you're being a great friend. She obviously loves you, so I would definitely prepare to go or for the friendship to never recover. It depends how much you value the friendship

Your not being unreasonable, youve explained your reasons which are more than valid. She just needs to get on with her wedding without you simple as that

sillysmiles OP committed to going two years ago before she got unexpectedly pregnant!! Then, when she was six months pregnant - so 18 months before the wedding - she worked out the cost implications and knew she wouldn't be able to afford it. How is that being precious????? And no, her friend is not so important she should get in debt for her.

How I wish I could afford a lovely trip to Italy, believe me. A luxury holiday to celebrate DS's birthday and one of my closest friends extravagant wedding?! Yes please!! Make it a week or 2? Sure why not.

Sadly, it is too expensive for us but thank you for your insight everyone who has suggested it shouldn't be I didn't expect to have to divulge my entire financial circumstances for this post and my posts should be enough!

I don't understand people who want to have big celebrations abroad (weddings, significant birthdays etc) and then get shirty because people can't go...for whatever reason.

I do not think OP is BU. The bride is.

My DH and I love Italy. We were planning to go back this May but then fell pregnant again and I'm due May so that's out the window. It's been 3.5 years since we were last there, and the main reason was that in that time we had our son, and our disposable income reduced significantly after having him due to many factors. Italy might not be the most expensive destination wedding, but it's still money that may need to be taken from being allocated on household etc. It's also taking holiday days up from work.

My in laws are big on big family holidays abroad for big birthdays. If I'm going to take holiday I want it to be for me and my family...not the extended family, if we can fit in together fine but if it's not convenient for us then there is no shame inot saying no.

If you book a wedding 2 years in advance, things will change in people's lives and you have to expect that. If you book a destination wedding then you have to expect people to say no, for whatever reason.

YANBU. I know you are trying to be a good friend by continuing your involvement with the other aspects of the wedding, but you should probably step back a little bit from that too. Whether you could feasibly go or not, as PP have been getting into, is I feel irrelevant. You've said no and she's going to have to live with that.

I assume bride doesn't yet have any DC? In my experience people who are like this about their wedding are also likely to assume the world revolves around them and their DC, act like they are the first person to ever have a baby etc., so if the tables were turned she would probably not be schlepping her baby to a destination wedding either.

I don't understand people having weddings abroad and expecting others to go. It's unreasonable. Mind you I hate weddings - so does DH- and we avoid them if at all possible.

Don't go. She is being manipulative and controlling.

I travelled last summer to Greece from Spain with my 1 year old. The first flight was hell, then she got used to it. But, I could afford it. There is no way I would have gone if the cost would have put me in financial dire straights. YANBU.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable here OP. I would be very hurt if I was your friend.

I would get it if you were going to be heavily pregnant at the time, but you will have a 1 year old, that's so doable. I think if this friend is important to you then you really should make the effort to go, or at least go alone for a couple of days to attend the ceremony with her.

Bear no children for Bride yet, she actually said she doesn't think she wants them at all, all thanks to spending time with me and my infant DS! Charming.

I thought you were going to say some far flung Caribbean island that you could only get to by boat. As you’ve said it’s Italy, I actually think YABU. You’ve really let her down.

@Bibidy will you be paying for her to go? Because the OP has said she cannot afford it, so I can only assume you will be, otherwise I don't see how you can think she is being unreasonable?

Mind you I hate weddings - so does DH- and we avoid them if at all possible.

Whhhyyyyy is MN full of people who don’t really like their friends?!

I don't understand people having weddings abroad and expecting others to go. It's unreasonable.

I do get this but I think in a scenario where someone is a bridesmaid and has agreed to attend knowing the location, it's not really on to back out because they've now got a child.

Especially as OP says she had been TTC for a while, it doesn't seem like at any point she let her friend know that she would only be able to attend if she didn't have a child by that time.