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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

272 replies

coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 08:20

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over Confused

OP posts:
emmylousings · 10/02/2020 09:57

My oldest, 'best' friend reacted very badly when I declined to go to her wedding in California, mainly due to cost and the fact my DS was about 1 y/o at the time. I felt he was too young to leave or take. She got over it. People get so precious about their weddings; it's bollox. I recall another one in Morrocco that I got really slagged off for not going to - didn't want to leave my DS then 3 - had recently split up with his dad. People said 'so and so is going - she is leaving her kids', my response - fine, good for her - I don't want to. End of discussion.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 10/02/2020 09:59

The reaction to your pregnancy gives you your answer, tbh.

YANBU.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/02/2020 10:00

To be honest, your DC won't know if you're not there in their actual first birthday and you could celebrate it a week later with family and it'll all be fine.

But OP would always know she'd missed their first birthday! I can't believe people think OP should actually give in to the bride's emotional blackmail. OP's told her over and over that she's not going, for very valid reasons. A good friend, while disappointed, wouldn't keep hammering away at her. It's not fair.

mnahmnah · 10/02/2020 10:01

I think some of you are missing the main point for OP not going - the cost. Regardless of how remote, which country etc. If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it.

OP, if the bride keeps pushing it, work out exactly how much the whole trip would cost you. Tell her the figure. Make it clear just how much she is expecting and if you haven’t got the money, you haven’t got it.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 10/02/2020 10:02

I got married abroad, didn't expect anyone to go, we'd checked with parents, siblings and best friends before we booked, but we ended up with a group of about 25 of us but only one child a toddler DN , lots of people said they couldn't go and that was absolutely fine. We had a big party for everyone else when we got bank, it's a choice you make by deciding to get married abroad. She's being unreasonable.

ShirleyPhallus · 10/02/2020 10:05

I’d go as it’s Italy. I thought you’d be saying it was India or something.

It sounds like fun, I’d go

ittakes2 · 10/02/2020 10:05

If you are in the Uk and travelling to Italy with a baby which is almost a year old - that is not a huge drama. People do travel with much younger babies to more far off places all the time.
It does not cost anything extra for a baby of one year to fly or be in a hotel room. We travelled regularly with twins from the age of 6 months on long-haul flights with journeys of 24hrs plus to far off locations so I have a lot of experience of traveling with small children.
It sounds like your priorities have changed - and that's fine. You no longer want to go and as you have mentioned it is not going to cost her extra and that is great. You have done what you can to explain to your friend that you no longer want to go. But yes it will affect your friendship. If I was her I would drop it now - she is obviously struggling to accept you don't want to go anymore. Maybe a mutual friend can have a chat to her so you both leave each other alone over the issue.
By remote location I was thinking you meant outer mongolia or something not Europe!

Brazi103 · 10/02/2020 10:06

Yanbu at all!! People who plan these types of weddings should expect that not everyone will attend. Face it, it's more of an inconvenience than enjoyable. I wouldn't keep having these discussions - just keep saying you are sorry but you wont be attending.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 10:10

She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

How dramatic. I would ditch someone who tried to shame me like that. The only person that can ruin her wedding by not going, is her future dh.

Original poster
coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 10:10

I know I didn't make some things clear from my OP so let me just clarify a few things.

Yes it is in Italy which I know is not a long flight however, it is still a flight with a 1yr old which would feel long to me! I appreciate it's not long haul though so was an exaggeration in that sense

It is in a remote part of Italy to which one airline flies to the local, closer airport and the flights are very few and far between as well as being very expensive. The bigger airport is a good many hours drive away and also expensive at that time of year so would involve car hire which is another cost.
If we didn't have DS, we could have afforded the local airport, a short taxi journey and the luxury hotel she is asking all the bridal party to stay in for the 3 day duration of the wedding.

The long and short of it is, it would involve a lot more cost with DS and DH too and even if I were to go on my own which I wouldn't be comfortable with with DS's birthday and I'm not the best traveller etc, it would be a big stretch and really we can't afford it comfortably at all. It would made affording everyday essentials much more difficult for us.
Before DS was born, we had lots of savings and disposable income but this is now not the case since preparing for and raising DS thus far. Financially, I was probably naive to not be aware of the cost of children when I originally agreed to go to the wedding!

The short spa break I paid for is a small fraction of the cost that this trip would end up being.

This was not a decision that I made lightly and spent a very long time looking at the cost etc to see how we could afford it and it just isn't possible now.

I wouldn't expect her not to be upset though, just a bit more understanding given the change in my circumstances and her hopefully appreciating that I wasn't expecting to fall pregnant for a long time more and was surprised when I did.
The example I gave of her not being happy for me in the OP was not the extent of it, there are plenty of examples that I could give but that's not the point of the post. Overall, her reaction was that she was disappointed that it's inconvenienced her wedding plans and has made it clear more than once.

OP posts:
amaryl · 10/02/2020 10:12

I thought you were going to say she was getting married in the Maldives!
I’d go if it was Italy, how is it really expensive?
We went to a wedding in the middle of Italy with a 7mth old, it was fantastic

Urkiddingright · 10/02/2020 10:13

So you struggled to conceive and Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!", this was her reaction? Hmm I would have dropped the ‘friendship’ at this point, she’s a self interested egotistical maniac.

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2020 10:14

South America with a newborn ok. But Italy with a 1 year old? The flight is not ‘long’ it’s 2 hours, if it’s down as far as Bari it’s 3 hours.

Italy is narrow so nowhere is that far to drive from an airport and they have high speed train track too.

I think you are being a bit U.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/02/2020 10:15

She is being VU and entitled, IMO, and quite apart from anything else, she should understand that cost would be an issue.

Too many people don’t seem to appreciate that everyone does not have a spare few/several hundred ££ to spend on attending their wedding.

nestisflown · 10/02/2020 10:17

I was expecting the Maldives or Thailand or something, not western Europe. I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

I have a similar situation to you. I didn't go to my good friend's wedding in a remote part of France and I really regret it. Difference was my husband was travelling for work at the time, so it would have just been me and my just-turned 1 year old. I couldn't drive at the time so after the flight, I would have had to take a 3hr coach to the location on my own with the baby. The accommodation was in a place with only 2 buses to the town centre a day, so if i had missed a bus, I would have been completely stuck. And yet I regret not going because if I'm being completely honest with myself, I could have managed it and she was such a good friend to me, it would have been worth it.

I am struggling to understand how the holiday is more expensive with a 1 year old than it was with just you and your partner. At your child's age, he/she flies free so there's very little extra cost. I can see why your friend is upset...It is as though you're trying to find excuses not to go.

IdleLiz · 10/02/2020 10:19

I will try to distance myself, I think I might have more than made up for it now and it might be making it worse.

OP you don't have to explain yourself to us. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it.

I would rather spend my money on my family than a friend's destination wedding.

You have told her plenty of times. She shouldn't be trying to railroad you into going.

Stop feeling guilty.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 10/02/2020 10:20

You are not being unreasonable - you don't have to go anywhere. I went to my brother's wedding abroad when my child was one - it was nice but very expensive and I spent practically all my time looking after child rather then enjoying myself. Obviously I went because it was my brother, but for a friend - no way!

Tell her to get over herself. In a few years she'll hopefully realise she was being a princess. Tell you are not going and that you don't want any more guilt trips.

AutumnRose1 · 10/02/2020 10:21

she sounds horrendous

I wouldn't just back off, I would tell her she's being a complete arse!

nestisflown · 10/02/2020 10:21

If we didn't have DS, we could have afforded the local airport, a short taxi journey and the luxury hotel she is asking all the bridal party to stay in for the 3 day duration of the wedding.

Do what you like OP, but this is a cop out and don't be surprised to lose a friendship over this. Except for having a 1 year old to run around, nothing has changed. You can still go to the local airport and use your carseat for the short taxi journey. There's no added expense whatsoever.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/02/2020 10:22

Ignore everyone who says you're being unreasonable because Italy isn't that far – they're overlooking the fact that you admitted you simply cannot afford the cost now you have a child. No one should browbeat you for not wanting to put yourself into debt for a wedding that isn't yours, least of all your friend!

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2020 10:23

Xpost with OP.

If the ‘bigger’ airport is Milan, Bologna, Rome or Naples - they all have high speed train track connections.

Nowhere in Italy is really ‘remote’ tbh.

You don’t have to stay in a luxury hotel, just find an Airbnb.

I know Italy quite well. Let us know the destination I will try to find the quickest least expensive options.

AutumnRose1 · 10/02/2020 10:23

nest " don't be surprised to lose a friendship over this."

sounds like OP would be well rid!

Mummyshark2018 · 10/02/2020 10:24

I think you're making up lots of excuses. I thought you were going to say some far flung place where you needed several planes- like the Maldives. Italy is only a few hours. I don't get the expensive flights either, hardly thousands. I think you need to be honest with yourself , sounds like you can't be arsed and don't want to put yourself out. Yes it won't be 'easy' but what is with a baby in tow, but sometimes you need to do things that are difficult especially if you value the friendship. Given it's so close you could go on your own for a few days and leave dc with their father.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/02/2020 10:27

She said she can't possibly get married without me there

Um, is she 12?

Utterly ridiculous behaviour. She sounds like a spoilt princess. I'd cut my losses if I were you and leave her to the diva behaviour.

MummyJasmin · 10/02/2020 10:28

She sounds like a bridezilla, expecting people to move heaven and earth for her because she is getting married.

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