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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
milienhaus · 09/02/2020 10:26

I think your DH was right to stand up for you and I’m sure your other guests were happy they left TBH.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 09/02/2020 10:27

No, he did exactly the right thing! I'm amazed you didn't kick him out earlier, or at least call him out on some of the horrid things he said about her. Your poor cousin.

TreesSandSea · 09/02/2020 10:28

Your DH was totally in the right.
Good on him.

Glenthebattleostrich · 09/02/2020 10:29

I like your husband.

If I'd have been you is have thrown him out on his arse and given her the number of women's aid.

AmyFl · 09/02/2020 10:29

You husband sounds brilliant, the other man was an arsehole. I'm so pleased your husband stood up for you.

JammyGem · 09/02/2020 10:29

I think your cousin needs to run, and you should make it clear that you'll support her in that however you can.

JaneDarcy · 09/02/2020 10:30

No, your DH was absolutely right. If he had laughed it off you'd be asking AIBU for being annoyed that my DH didn't say anything

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2020 10:30

Your husband did the right thing, you are unreasonable to question that and you're wrong to apologise to your cousin for his behaviour, if I was your husband I'd be very angry at you.

Noodlenosefraggle · 09/02/2020 10:31

No your DH wasnt BU. Good for him. You should be proud of him, as it seems he was the only one prepared to pull this year up.on his behaviour.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/02/2020 10:31

Good for your husband. I’d call your cousin and let her k is that you’re always there for her if and when she ever needs you. Could you meet up for a coffee today?

chocolateisavegetable · 09/02/2020 10:31

Your DH did the right thing and showed amazing restraint!

Freddiefox · 09/02/2020 10:31

I think your husband and you were quite restraint to be honest.

edwinbear · 09/02/2020 10:31

Wow - YADDDNBU. He sounds like a total arse, what on earth does your cousin see in him? Poor woman must have been so ashamed, was he drunk?

HollowTalk · 09/02/2020 10:31

I would send her a message, "Why the hell are you with that man? You are welcome here any time, day or night, but I'm afraid I never want to see him again."

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 09/02/2020 10:32

Well done your DH. Absolutely spot on.

Neverhadakiss · 09/02/2020 10:32

Your DH was 100% in the right. Good for him!

10FrozenFingers · 09/02/2020 10:32

Your DH did exactly the right thing. Your poor cousin.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 09/02/2020 10:32

He sounds like a boring and boorish comedy sketch character.

RightOnTheEdge · 09/02/2020 10:33

I think your husband was great! He was definitely NBU.

You should be proud of him for sticking up for you, it's a shame he was allowed to go on for so long.

Your poor cousin Sad

Dyrne · 09/02/2020 10:34

Good on your DH for picking up this man on his shitty “humour”. We need more men like that in the world - sadly men like your cousins husband won’t listen if told by women to shut up; but maybe having a man tell him he’s a twat might make him rethink.

Keep the communication open with your cousin, help her to see that she doesn’t have to tolerate these constant “jokes” at her expense. She may very well need the support in the future.

kingkuta · 09/02/2020 10:34

Your DH was absolutely in the right. No question. Handled perfectly

I'd be very very worried about your cousin though.

Noodlenosefraggle · 09/02/2020 10:34

Actually that's true. Your cousin is married to a moron in another country and is probably being forced into having a boo b job to please him, yet you have apologised for your DH's behaviour, validating her moronic husband's behaviour?

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/02/2020 10:34

While your DH wasn’t being unreasonable he definitely should have been more tactful for your cousin’s sake. There’s every chance this man has taken out his anger / embarrassment over your DH’s comments on her.

CatalogueUniverse · 09/02/2020 10:35

Your husband handled that perfectly. Your poor cousin. If everyone laughs off people’s horrible behaviour they are condoning it. There’s a large amount of options between laughing it off and full on calling it out. It will actually help your cousin to see other people not condoning her husbands behaviour.

puds11 · 09/02/2020 10:35

I applaud your husband. Too many people allow this type of behaviour which is why it continues. Your husband shut it down and the twat fucked off. Do not apologies. Send her the number for a good divorce lawyer 🤷‍♀️

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