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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/02/2020 10:42

Good Lord, no! Your DH was absolutely spot on. This fella is horrid, what on earth are his redeeming features? Hung like a donkey?? Certainly acts like an ass. Your cousin sounds like she could (and should) do a lot better.

OldMumYoungNan · 09/02/2020 10:43

Dh did the right thing. Tell him youre proud of him.

Please contact your cousin as I feel very sorry for her and I hope she leaves this rude man. Thank goodness they have returned home.

KaliforniaDreamz · 09/02/2020 10:43

You married well

Rubychard · 09/02/2020 10:43

What an awful man. If he can speak to / about your cousin like that at a social occasion, whet must he be like behind closed doors??

Your dh was absolutely spot on. Good on him. I’m thinking your cousin needs the number for women’s aid .....

KnightandDay · 09/02/2020 10:44

Agree that your DH was absolutely right! And he seemed very calm about it all, good for him.

EightiesHair · 09/02/2020 10:44

Your DH was right and it's a shame your cousins husband has so little respect for her Sad

Greenpop21 · 09/02/2020 10:45

I have a similar situation with a husband of a family member. I did what others have suggested and made it clear I would not be having said rude person in my home again. Unfortunately the risk is that you will never see your cousin again.

TrophyCat · 09/02/2020 10:46

I bloody love you husband. You married well!

usersouthcoast · 09/02/2020 10:47

Your husband behaved perfectly.

Fairyliz · 09/02/2020 10:47

Wow what a great husband. Perhaps seeing how decent men act might give your cousin food for thought.

HillAreas · 09/02/2020 10:48

This is awful. If he’s like this in public, he’s probably worse behind closed doors. I’d make sure your cousin knows very well she can count on your support should she need it. She’s probably (wrongly) ashamed this morning.
Your DH was very restrained. He’s shown the both of them how a real man and husband behaves.

Gazelda · 09/02/2020 10:49

Your DH is a gentleman.
I hope your cousin can see the reality of the person she's with and is making plans to leave.

Apolloanddaphne · 09/02/2020 10:50

He sounds awful and your DH sounds great. Your poor cousin having to put up with a DH like that. I wonder what she stays. Do they have small DC?

Chamomileteaplease · 09/02/2020 10:50

I too think your husband was right.

I am concerned for your cousin now because it is as though the cat is now out of the bag - ie her cousin (you) and many other people now know that he is an abusive bastard and she may feel in a difficult position.

I hope she does have the courage to leave him especially now she is in England.

crankysaurus · 09/02/2020 10:50

Agreed, your DH was spot on. I'd also be concerned about your cousin, and somehow doubt the boob job would have been her idea.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 09/02/2020 10:51

People like the twunt get away with it when everyone else is too polite or embarrassed to say anything and because no-one does they carry on. They get off on others humiliation.

Your husband called it out by plainly stating the facts. This is perfect. He didn’t swear, call him a name. He simply stated what was happening, “you’re standing in my house insulting my wife”. And twunt COULD NOT HANDLE IT! ( Sorry for shouting, but he could not handle someone calmly describing what was going on). He could have apologised and stopped it, but he didn’t.

Your husband is excellent.

Am worried about your cousin though. He’ll probably try to isolate her by giving her a hard time if she talks about meeting up with you. I’d send her a message that if she ever needs you you’ll be there for her. She may need a lot of help extracting herself from the marriage if and when she chooses to.

SegregateMumBev · 09/02/2020 10:52

Round of applause for your DH.

And your poor cousin Sad

LikeDuhWhatever · 09/02/2020 10:53

To be honest if I had lived in Spain for quite a while and suddenly found myself living in Manchester I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about it either.

CupoTeap · 09/02/2020 10:53

Your dh did the right thing- short man syndrome is a real thing and he was never going to listen to anyone but a bigger man (in every respect) well done to your dh for sticking up for you

Confuddledtown · 09/02/2020 10:53

Your husband was spot on. Good for him.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/02/2020 10:54

Top husband you have there OP...I am very proud of him...as for the other cretin well just ugh! What a pillock! Your husband was 100 % right.

saraclara · 09/02/2020 10:54

I imagine that all the other guests were very grateful to your husband when the guy left. Sounds like he handled it perfectly.

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:54

Thankyou. No I’m not annoyed with DH but you know when something happens in your house and it throws you a bit sideways and you know it wasn’t your fault, but you still feel bad anyway?

I don’t think DH was wrong and I was actually quite upset by this man. It’s just that he can be very blunt with people and sometimes, on other occasions in the past it’s been a bit excessive maybe, so I’m a little sensitive. Obviously not this time and thank you for confirming that because I did try and describe it as accurately as I could.

Maybe I should get this taken down actually

OP posts:
scrambledeggs01 · 09/02/2020 10:54

I think I would be proud of my husband for dealing with a situation so well

saraclara · 09/02/2020 10:55

I hope your cousin doesn't go ahead with the procedure. It sounds as though she's only doing it for him.