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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/02/2020 10:35

What a cunt your cousins married.

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:35

Thankyou phew!

No Bluntness, I was just apologising to her for the situation in general, not DH.

I think this may be normal for her because if my DH used me as the butt if his jokes like that, I would just leave. I felt really bad for her. She was just kind of ignoring him and carrying on.

I’ve texted this morning to see if she ok more than anything.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 09/02/2020 10:36

Actually I thought the end of the post was going to be that you were annoyed that your DH HADN'T stood up to him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/02/2020 10:36

Good for your Dh!

I’d be proud of him.
Of course it’s a shame if your cousin was upset, but TBH if she’s chosen to hook up with a man like that - she surely must know that his behaviour is unacceptable - she will have to bear the consequences.

Comefromaway · 09/02/2020 10:36

Good on your dh. I totally agree with him.

Arseit · 09/02/2020 10:36

No, your husband was NBU actually I think you were both pretty restrained. Your cousin’s husband sounds utterly horrendous - your poor cousin. I hope she does eventually reply to you and you can assure her you’re there for her if she needs you.

puds11 · 09/02/2020 10:36

Apologise 🤦‍♀️

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 09/02/2020 10:36

Your husband was spot on. It’s exactly what needed to be done.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 09/02/2020 10:36

Your DH is fab.

SophieSong · 09/02/2020 10:37

Whoa why would you think your husband was being unreasonable??? He didn’t lose his temper, he pointed out exactly what this asshole was doing and said asshole then left without a big scene. IMO your husband handled it perfectly and I’d be proud of him!

NotJustACigar · 09/02/2020 10:37

I hope your poor cousin doesn't keep the"appointment" - maybe this will be a wake-up call for her. Your DH did great!

MissBarbary · 09/02/2020 10:37

Your husband is absolutely in the right here. You should not have apologised for what he said.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 09/02/2020 10:37

Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Fucking hell.

And no your husband wasnt at all unreasonable.

Id be texting my cousin support - im worried about you, does he always put you down like that...

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/02/2020 10:37

Your DH was absolutely in the right and only saying what he did showed quite a lot of restraint! I would be checking in on your friend though, if that's what he's like to her in front of strangers goodness knows what he's like to her at home.

ticking · 09/02/2020 10:37

oh dear, I have previously had a fiend with an awful awful partner, and it was the death of our friendship, partly as I realised then what poor judgement she had.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/02/2020 10:38

Sorry your cousin, not your friend.

lidoshuffle · 09/02/2020 10:38

Your husband sounds great and he did well.

Being a good host host is one thing, being a total doormat and letting some twat insult your family in your own home is quite another.

LoafEater · 09/02/2020 10:38

Your DH was very restrained. I’m not sure I understand what this horrible man being shorter than his partner has to do with anything though!?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2020 10:39

"Why the hell are you with that man? You are welcome here any time, day or night, but I'm afraid I never want to see him again."

Please text her this.

She will be thinking this morning - not for the first time, I'm sure - of what exactly she's doing in her marriage and where she wants her life to go.

Give her that message - that SHE'S worth a ton more, and that she's NOT overreacting, and it's NOT ok. And that HE'S the problem.

Poor poor woman.

makingmammaries · 09/02/2020 10:40

Your DH’s comeback was perfect. I think I want to borrow/adapt it for own use.

You don’t need to see that tosser again. Try to keep in touch with your cousin though.

Deelish75 · 09/02/2020 10:40

Your husband did the right thing.
I think you need to tell your cousin that her husband is abusive.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 09/02/2020 10:41

Good on your DH.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/02/2020 10:42

Top husband there.

Greenpop21 · 09/02/2020 10:42

I think your DH was right and I’d be proud of him. I do think there is a lot of detail in your post and I’d think carefully about whether this might be outing for your friend.

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2020 10:42

I’d be proud if my dh did that. Assholes should be called out.

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