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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
Awrite · 09/02/2020 10:55

Your husband was not being unreasonable. Far from it.

What a dick your cousin is married to.

lemonysnickett88 · 09/02/2020 10:57

No, what he did was fine. No aggression but he made it perfectly clear that a boundary was crossed.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 09/02/2020 10:57

Your husband was right. Gives me hope there are still men like him, that he didn’t just laugh it off.

BedStuy · 09/02/2020 10:57

"Funnily enough I've got a tit removal scheduled for right now"
herd him out the door

crosspelican · 09/02/2020 10:58

Your husband was great and did exactly the right thing.

Thatnameistaken · 09/02/2020 10:59

You need to have a long conversation with your cousin, she needs to be certain that this is the life she wants before she starts having surgery to please a twat like this.

Squigean · 09/02/2020 11:00

No you're husband wasn't unreasonable at all. His behaviour and comment was completely reasonable.

Though on a tangent from you description of the situation (shortness, waiters and different nationalities) I'm picturing Danny DeVito at an Ambassador's party.

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 09/02/2020 11:01

He sounds vile.

I agree that you need to talk to your cousin alone as he sounds like he has the potential to be abusive. She may feel trapped in the relationship and need some help.

Nymerialuna · 09/02/2020 11:01

You're DH was 100% right, well done him.
Your cousins husband sounds like a complete and utter twat and I would be dropping the cousin a quick message to make she's ok this morning.

thethoughtfox · 09/02/2020 11:02

Your DH is a star.

Thinkingabout1t · 09/02/2020 11:02

Your dh did exactly the right thing, very well said. Like you, I would have been embarrassed, so this time you and I would have been wrong, and dh right!

But I’m worried about your cousin and her child, living with that bully. Does she use mumsnet, or have access to other women’s groups or support services? I hope you’ll be able to support her if she wants to cut her losses and leave him.

windymillersmill · 09/02/2020 11:02

Your DH handled it perfectly. I hope your cousin is OK and gets rid of the useless man.

Thinkingabout1t · 09/02/2020 11:03

Bedstuy
Grin

Marmitepasta · 09/02/2020 11:03

Your dh was totally right.
As a completely irrelevant side note, did you have waiters in your house??

Jumpingforgin · 09/02/2020 11:03

No, your husband sounds ace. Well done him for standing up to this "man", and removing him from your house with no huge scene or any violence. Sounds like your cousin could really do with some support. Make sure she knows your door is always open to her, and try to keep in regular contact with her. How daunting for her to be moving countries, dealing with worries with her DC, and living with her awful sounding husband. Hope she finds the courage to stand up to him.

Plumpplums · 09/02/2020 11:08

I salute your husband

YouokHun · 09/02/2020 11:08

Mmm...Nice work on the husband’s part. The first thing he needs to do now he’s back in the UK is drive in a nice little wedge between his DW and her family. I suspect he’ll have seen that as a successful night out. Don’t criticise him (however tempting) but keep the lines of communication open with her.

Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 11:10

Your husband was absolutely right, good on him! Not all husbands have the courage to be so direct but yours did, points for that.

The husband of your cousin is an obnoxious prat; he talks about chavs, he is the biggest chav of all. How embarrassing for your cousin, I hope she gets shot of him eventually.

Don't worry about it, you and yours did nothing wrong.

ASimpleLampoon · 09/02/2020 11:10

Your DH was unreasonable for not kicking his arse out of the door. But I am glad he spoke up and he showed remarkable restraint. Well done DH.

Batshittery · 09/02/2020 11:10

Not the point of the thread but ....
Waiters at a small drinks party at home? Are you all millionaires?

Your DH did the right thing obv. The other guy is a dick

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2020 11:10

@BedStuy and @Thinkingabout1t ... YES !!!

If cloning ever becomes a feasible option..... can I have a clone of your DH... Wink

zefi · 09/02/2020 11:11

If she is thinking of having breast surgery for herself, I don’t know why she would need to bring him down with her to the consultation. I would be so upset if my DH behaved like that in any circumstance, but she just sort of laughed it off as if she was used to it. And now she’s over here and away from all her friends.

DH just said this morning, he’s an effing nob and not to worry about it and people make their own lives. But I do like this cousin and now that she over here. even if not local, I’m hoping we can be much more in contact, so hopefully I can help her out.

OP posts:
TheyDoDoThat · 09/02/2020 11:13

Your DH is a hero. This man sounds vile your poor cousin. Xx

Standrewsschool · 09/02/2020 11:16

Well done DH!

Maybe it will give cousin a wake-up call.

LynetteScavo · 09/02/2020 11:16

Your DH handled it perfect.

I feel sorry for your cousins DC having to live with this man.

I suspect he came to the apt' as he's paying for it, because it's his idea.

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