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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
nettie434 · 09/02/2020 15:49

I wish you had turned the voting thingy on so you could show your husband the votes saying he is a top chap and I am sorry for your cousin being married to such a horrible man.

Purplewithred · 09/02/2020 15:51

I 💓 your DH

I had a twat for a husband and used to be very like your cousin, just grin and bear it because I had to, pretend it was all OK. I felt I’d made my bed and had to lie on it, and couldn’t imagine how I would manage without him. As well as being a complete knob in public he was financially and sexually controlling in private.

I felt it would be dishonourable to moan about him to my friends so it was never discussed, even with my closest besties.

But if I’d had someone who I felt safe acknowledging how unhappy I was to, or I’d had Mumsnet, I would have broken free from him many many years earlier, not wasted so many years on him, and not made such a hash of it when I did leave.

So text your cousin, try to see her alone, don’t push her but let her know you know she is choosing not to discuss this, but that if ever she wants to she is safe with you.

ThunderGarlic · 09/02/2020 15:53

Three cheers for Zefi's DH!

Cousin's H sounds intolerable.

CircleofWillis · 09/02/2020 15:57

I have seen abusive men use exactly this tactic to isolate their wives / partners from friends and family.

  1. Be rude and abusive
  2. Fall out with wife's friend or family member
  3. Incite a situation where an unforgivable 'insult' has occured (e.g. thrown out of home)
  4. Force wife to show loyalty by cutting contact or make it very difficult to meet up by refusing to accompany or facilitate meetings
  5. show disapproval of any contact (phone, email, text etc.)

Eventually all meaningful contact will end and another possible source of support is closed off to wife /partner.

ScreamingLadySutch · 09/02/2020 15:59

Your DH sounds lovely.

Can he be cloned, at all?

So nice to hear about a man who loves his wife and will stand up for her

MimiLaRue · 09/02/2020 16:02

Your DH was brilliant!
But I dont understand why your cousin said nothing? I'd be fcking livid if my husband behaved like that around my family and I would absolutely be having harsh words with him afterwards.

JemimaTab · 09/02/2020 16:07

Ugh. What a dreadful little man. Unfortunately I think we all know someone like that. Your DH did absolutely the right thing - he stood up for you, and didn’t insult your cousin although it must have been awkward for her. Do you think she realises what an arse she married?

schoolrummum · 09/02/2020 16:08

Sounds exactly like an uncle of mine. He was insufferable and we only put up with him for the sake of my aunt. Told 'hilarious' jokes that insulted my aunt or just talked over people because he knew everything. He even stood in front of me at my sisters wedding during the speeches and turned round to talk over BILs speech to me. He was awful. Then he was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's and everyone went 'oh that's why he was like that' No it bloody wasn't! Not 30 years before his diagnosis. He was just a prat in the first instance. As for the boob job comments to you and your cousin, what a complete tool. What decisions she makes about her body is up to her and no ones business and commenting on your body is not ok. Ever. Cocaine is actually a very good suggestion but he might just be like that. Your poor cousin.

Savingshoes · 09/02/2020 16:08

Well done your DH. H's comment of "big man" is a way of siding up to someone in those circumstances in my opinion... then men against the 'silly girls'. Your DH's one liner says exactly how he felt without playing his game... and I strongly suspect the H would have continued and given the way he'd acted towards his wife and you, nothing a female would have said would have held much value - it had to come from a male.
H sounds like an extremely insecure little man. He belittles his wife to bring her down to his own level of security. It takes a lot to stand up to that day in and day out.
I would be in awe of her continued strength.

mbosnz · 09/02/2020 16:08

Your DH was absolutely spot on. He was going to push it on and on, and your DH drew the line at where he insulted the woman he loves, in their home. Good on him.

2beautifulbabs · 09/02/2020 16:09

Your DH deserves a hand clap well done to him for standing up for you and calling this awful man out on his behaviour and your poor cousin you should give her a name of a good divorce lawyer her Husband sounds like an arsehole

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 16:11

But I dont understand why your cousin said nothing?

You've surely been on MN long enough to be able to understand why the "cousin said nothing", @MimiLaRue?
If you genuinely do not understand, gen yourself up with Lundy Bancroft. www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I'd be fcking livid if my husband behaved like that around my family and I would absolutely be having harsh words with him afterwards.
Then congratulations - you are not in an abusive relationship.
You are able to expect certain standards of behaviour, & express your displeasure if they are not met.
When you next read about, or encounter, a woman who cannot, please do not again excuse yourself for lack of understanding of why they cannot behave as you can.
Until women wise up to "the script", abusive men will continue to use it against them.

zefi · 09/02/2020 16:12

I’ve had a text from my cousin, but it didn’t say much. Just translates as “thanks for a lovely evening. Sorry if H had one too many. Your home is beautiful and your children are delightful. So grown up. Speak soon Xx”
That’s it, but thing is, the H wasn’t even drinking (well he may have had one or two) because he was driving. Confused
I think she must be in denial and it really depressing.

I’ve just been picturing him all day, not just over the “appointment” comments, but he definitely thought he was hilarious and was talking to random people in someone else’s house like this - “So my wife the so-called teacher who can’t even help her own kids. Oh yes, darling let’s get someone in. Let’s get a team of tutors in to help a teacher....“ Ugh, so horrible. I did say to him, that, in fact to be honest, it’s very hard trying to teach your own kids because they don’t listen to you in the same way, but he was just smirking. What makes me mad is that she’s had not been a teacher since she married him anyway, more or less, and she’s been with those kids every day of their lives. Now she’s moved them here and he throws that in her face. Maybe the little girl does have some SEN - that’s all she’s trying to work out and how to go about an assessment.

I’m genuinely quite worried about her and I don’t say that lightly because if he’s like that in someone else’s house, what must he be like at home? I see no redeeming features here at all. I’m going to invite her down on her own and she could bring the kids too on the train. I’ll give her a ring in the week when hopefully he’s out.

OP posts:
HelloYouTwo · 09/02/2020 16:13

@zefi does your cousin’s husband speak Spanish? Just wondering, as I assume you might text / speak to her in Spanish and that could be quite helpful in terms of her being able to speak more freely to you.

Also, your husband is great. I wish more spouses would stick up for each other like that

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/02/2020 16:14

Your DH is a star. I don’t see why you need to be sorry. Sounds like this horrible man can’t cope with anyone standing up to him.

HelloYouTwo · 09/02/2020 16:15

Can you ask her bluntly why on earth she’s having a breast enlargement and is it his idea?

katy1213 · 09/02/2020 16:15

Good for your husband! Your poor cousin to be married to such an appalling arse of a man. I think your theory about the chip on his shoulder is probably quite right.
How sad that a beautiful woman is going through surgery to please the likes of this scum!

HarryElephante · 09/02/2020 16:17

Whatever his faults, he was right about you not selling your house.

zefi · 09/02/2020 16:28

I can’t imagine why she would be having a breast enlargement. If it’s her genuine choice, that’s one thing. But surely if she was insecure about that because she’s lost a lot of weight or after breastfeeding, the last thing you would do as a husband is broadcast it at a party! I hate to cast aspersions, but I think he has a lot to do with it because he apparently seems to think everyone should have one, including me.
If I was the surgeon and he was in with her carrying on even remotely like that, I’d strongly recommend her to take some time and / or counselling before she makes the decision.
Yes I think he was trying to get the other men on side in this hilarious repartee, but that just shows how seriously deluded he is. My friend’s husband this is (the Egyptian couple) couple looked distinctly offended and my friend didn’t know where to look.
There must be loads of men who pressure wives into this kind of thing. It’s awful.

OP posts:
SirChing · 09/02/2020 16:30

He does sound like an abusive git. But charging in with a Lundy Bancroft book could end up with her retreating from you in denial.

Also, as he is clearly awful and may well try to come between you and your cousin, I think I would play it along the lines of "I was worried about your DH last night. He seemed out of sorts and not very happy, are you both ok?".

If her DH sees thr message then it's one of concern about his well-being so he is less likely to try to make her cut you off. Also, it's non threatening for her as doesn't directly refer to him being awful. Her reply would probably be telling e.g. if she says "oh he is always like that" then you know to worry. If it's a rarity then you may well find that out too.

I would want to flatten him and rescue her. But would be most concerned about keeping the channels open with her. I would also say "when you are settled, why not come down for a girls shopping weekend. You are always welcome here any time". It makes it clear it's only her being invited, but it's a way of giving her an open invitation if she ever needs you.

I would really hold off with the book for now. If she is too far in denial then it could just offend her and then she may cut you off. Then she only has her arsehole husband. I would wait until she ever complains about his behaviour. Definitely frame his behaviour as "is he ok, we were worried about what was wrong".

SunshineCake · 09/02/2020 16:32

FFS can people not read ? Yes, the OP had waiters in her house otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned them. She has explained why. Stop with the faux innocence, confusion, belittling.

zefi · 09/02/2020 16:35

DH’s Spanish is good, Hello, but my cousin is fluent in English so at least she doesn’t have that to contend with. Poor thing as well, having to sit in a car to Manchester with him in this weather, after last night. I’d be so upset if I were her, but maybe she’s in denial or this is fairly normal for her?

OP posts:
zefi · 09/02/2020 16:45

Also, sorry, to reply to the PP who asked why I would even have to ask the question in the OP, it’s because I feel as if I have to be hospitable and all this kind of thing and I worry about causing offence. Which is my issue and it’s been pointed out in therapy, so I do acknowledge I need to work on that. Also DH tells me this as well.

OP posts:
Branster · 09/02/2020 16:45

I haven’t read the whole thread but your husband was absolutely right in what he said and well done to him. He’s a keeper.
Your poor cousin must be having an awful life living with this controlling dickhead.

AnneKipanki · 09/02/2020 16:51

Maybe she is getting her left one done as she has a huge right tit already.