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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
DangerMouse17 · 09/02/2020 11:41

Your DH is top notch. He stood up for you as any H should.

I'm worried about your poor cousin...why is she with this man?! He sounds like an ignorant bully.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 09/02/2020 11:43

Your husband was right. People like that behave the way they do because everyone is too polite to call them out. He sounds like an obnoxious bully. His poor poor wife.

Drum2018 · 09/02/2020 11:43

You should have called him out on his comments long before your Dh did. What a prick. How on earth is your cousin with him. Do not apologise to your cousin. The only person who should be apologising is that dickhead husband of hers, though of course that will never happen.

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 09/02/2020 11:44

I think your DH won the Mumsnet hero of the day award. Could you lend him for a fee to every CF thread on here as well?

saraclara · 09/02/2020 11:44

waiters- the ones that came with the caterers I assume.

As I'm guessing we all assumed. But still. Waiters in your home! Caterers in your home for a 'small' drinks party!

I love mumsnet for this stuff. A window on other people's lives.

zefi · 09/02/2020 11:45

Wow, DH would be delighted by all the compliments, but he’s no idea about MN or the existence of it.

Thankyou, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and up and down lately about various things and it can swamp me a bit. Could be the pre-menopause, but not sure. I’ll just have to put this down to an unfortunate incident. I met this H years ago and he seemed fine then. He wasn’t drunk last night by the way, so I can only assume he think he’s hilarious and everyone who isn’t going with it is stuck up. He was being very sarcastic to me as they left saying, “Well we would have loved to stay longer ...” Why be like that? What did I ever do to him, except for invite him to my house? There no bad history between us and them whatsoever Maybe he is trying to drive a wedge or something like that now that she’s here in his country. God knows.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 09/02/2020 11:47

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well.
No.
& if he is experiencing even a moment's doubt, tell him he's some random women off the internet's complete hero.

Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words?
No.
For your cousin's sake, she needs to know that other people can see her H for what he is, that they will have her back, & that she is supported despite her H's abominable behaviour & attitude.
And that if (let's fervently hope 'when') she finds the strength to LTB, not only will she still be supported, but that, as your DH has proved, NAMALT.

WWYD?
The younger me would have snarked at him all night, made him look even more ridiculous, & - either at the breast comment or before if I'd managed to make him snap - punched in on the nose in front of the entire party.
The older me - no way. I'd have been thinking about what she was going to be subjected to when her H got her home. I would have hoped to peel her away from her H, whether just for that night, or at least leave her with the conviction that she had a safe house to escape to.

I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink
Your poor, poor cousin. This jumped up little twat is too extreme to even be laughed out of his idiocy. It just isn't funny. From your physical descriptions it's clear he knows he's punching above his weight with your cousin, I bet he's negged her into the boob job to help himself with his delusions of adequacy. Hence all the constant negging remarks to her.

I think you did really well to hang on in there, & your come-back about would he take £50 for his car was spot-on. Your DH was admirable: made his point without allowing events to escalate to any physical argy bargy. I hope your cousin sees the light, & gets herself & her child/ren away from this terrible man asap.

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 11:49

He's a tosser OP.

But, IME people like that are usually insecure. Maybe he is the Big Man in their circle and was slightly intimidated by your home (and caterers!!!!).

FourDecades · 09/02/2020 11:50

@zefi it's refreshing and extremely heartening to read of a man who sticks up for his wife.

He wasn't aggressive, threatening or overreacting.

I also thank him for hopefully showing the Cousin that her TH (twat husband) is abusive and degrading.

My XH would do the same and didn't like it at all when my friends pulled him up on it

PixieRabbit · 09/02/2020 11:51

The guy sounds really unpleasant. Presumably he’s harassing his wife into a getting boob job so he will feel better about being short (until he finds something else about her that needs improving).

Your DH sounds great.

Please be there for your cousin if you can. Maybe invite her and her DC to come and stay the odd weekend without her husband?

BahMooQuack · 09/02/2020 11:51

Never mind waiters and caterers saraclara .... I was absolutely bowled over the first time I went to DH's very aged Great Aunt up north and discovered she had a butler!!!!!

Butlers are totally where it is at, i decided. [reviews bank balance and weeps]

MakeItRain · 09/02/2020 11:53

Your husband was right to stand up for you. The only bit of his (your dh's) comment that might have bothered me would have been the "my house and my wife" part as it sounds like he thinks of you and the house as "his" property. But that's just me, and mainly I think good for him for standing up for you when you were being hugely insulted.

As for the abusive man, as someone once with a man like that, tread a little carefully with your cousin. She's probably feeling isolated but might be trying to make her relationship work. So insulting him might make her withdraw further. She'll be desperately wanting to hear positives. I would text something like a pp said "I'm a bit worried about you, does he often put you down like that? I'm here if you ever want to talk about things. Sometimes it helps just to talk." Then leave the ball in her court.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/02/2020 11:53

Your H is a real gentleman. Please check in with your cousin and offer support because hers is not.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 09/02/2020 11:55

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually. You're all pretty awful if no one said anything at this point! You all just stood by and watched the lowly servers get mocked.

Your husband sounds decent though, at least he stood up for you. If I were you I'd work on my assertiveness so you can stick up for yourself.

People "laughing off" that man's behaviour isn't good "for the sake of your cousin". It reinforces to her it is normal, ok and to be laughed off. Your husband has shown her it isn't ok or normal.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/02/2020 11:56

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off,

Your husband was spot on. I'd have probably ended up lamping him, which wouldn't have been the smartest thing to do, but he'd have deserved it.

letmebefrank · 09/02/2020 11:56

Your poor cousin.

shame you and her friends can't tell her she's better than that and should dump his little arse.

Well done to your DH.

Dieu · 09/02/2020 12:02

Oh gosh OP, he sounds awful. Maybe he has wee man's syndrome?!
Is he very rich?

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:02

While your DH wasn’t being unreasonable he definitely should have been more tactful for your cousin’s sake.

Disagree strongly.
"Tact" would not have conveyed to the arsehole that another person whose opinion he might be expected to count (i.e. not a woman) finds him reprehensible.

I agree that the arsehole is likely to take it out on his wife.
However - this type of arsehole will find a reason to do that even with no 'provocation'. No point keeping schtum & allowing arsehole to think everybody condones him.

messolini9 · 09/02/2020 12:08

I would send her a message, "Why the hell are you with that man? You are welcome here any time, day or night, but I'm afraid I never want to see him again."

It would be wiser not to.
The why the hell & the you are welcome are necessary - but not the statement that the H will be shunned. This would only push the cousin further into retreat, shame, & isolation.
This H is an enemy that needs to be kept close.
Refusing to see him would only mean that OP won't see her cousin. H will not allow her to visit OP without him - his control & 'authority' has been challenged by OP's DH - he won't like that, or allow his wife to fraternise with such dangerously reasonable & normal folk without his supervision.

& the cousin needs to know she has functional family to run to. That will be hard to do unless OP can stay in close contact.

FiremanSlam · 09/02/2020 12:09

Your cousin's husband sounds dreadful. Your dh sounds like a star.

CalishataFolkart · 09/02/2020 12:09

“My cousin’s husband suggested to my husband that I should get a breast enlargement. My husband called him out on his rudeness. Was he BU?”

No, he wasn’t.

Drabarni · 09/02/2020 12:13

God, I hope she sees through him and comes to you for support, poor woman.

quitelikedancemusic · 09/02/2020 12:15

Your husband is an utter and complete star. I would love to be in a relationship with a man like this. I find it really attractive when partners stand up for each other like this. And I think your DH handled it with real class.

zefi · 09/02/2020 12:16

I’m feeling stupid for even posting the question now. I think I should have said something myself. I’m probably too much of a people pleaser and need to sort myself out.

I feel bad about the particular waiter and this is playing on me now. I don’t know, at the time, it was more like the H was making a fool of himself, rather than embarrassing the waiter guy tbh. I know him and they’ve had jobs here before. By the way, to the pps, no it’s not butlers or anything like that, They're just a local catering company who are very flexible and it helps a lot in a house with this layout because the kitchen in in the lower ground floor and the reception areas above this, so it means people stay on one floor and I’m not up and down all evening. They work all over doing all sorts.

I still haven’t heard back from my cousin and I think I’ll text her again and say call me back if she wants to talk.

OP posts:
DreamingofSummer · 09/02/2020 12:18

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was cocaine.

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