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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The rudest man I have ever met was at our house last night, but was DH U?

271 replies

zefi · 09/02/2020 10:25

I hope this doesn’t turn out to be too rambling and I’ll try and include the most relevant parts, Basically, I held a small-ish drinks party last night, to welcome DH home and also to celebrate a friend’s good news..,

A cousin of mine married a British man about ten years ago, but they’ve been living in Spain until recently when they’ve moved to a Manchester suburb. She had texted me to say they were in London Fri-Sun so I asked her over last night and was really looking forward to catching up.

She is absolutely lovely and drop-dead gorgeous. He is about 20 years older than her (she’s about 37) and a lot shorter than her. Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t mention that really, but almost from the minute they arrived, he was being very “chippy”. At first, I thought it must just be his humour, so I tried to go with it. But basically he was just obnoxious.

You know people who put their wives down as the butt if a “joke?” This is what he was doing and he was doing it a lot. For instance, she was asking me about my son (whose a teen now) because when he was 7, there was a big hoo-haa about his being possibly dyspraxic and my cousin is worried about her DD, I was reassuring her that a lot of it is probably just the switch into a different school system, but she was saying she might try and get him a tutor, someone with SEN expertise. Throughout this, the H was loudly exclaiming to all in earshot , “she’s supposed to be a teacher, but she wants a tutor.., What's the point of you then darling .., “ In front if a room of strangers. This is just an example.

I asked him if he was enjoying being back in Manchester after all these years and he said, “Why would I enjoy living among a load of chavs in tracksuits.” Everyone was Confused

Then - (I wasn’t even talking to him at this point) - my cousin was talking about the property market up there because they’re looking to buy and I was telling her we couldn’t sell out previous house because of the Brexit uncertainty, when he suddenly chipped in with, “Well you could sell it, you just won’t lower the price will you?” He doesn’t even know anything about this house or what we were trying to sell it for Hmm. So I just said to him, “Would you sell your car for £50 quid then?” (Because I’d seen him come in something that could have been a Ferrari or similar). He has no answer to that.

He kept getting the waiter’s to repeat what the canapés were, even though it was bloody obvious anyway to anyone with eyes, but he was doing it to mock their accents and make a scene. I was getting quite wound up by this and everyone must have noticed. It was quite awful actually.

Then the worst thing happened... So I was asking why they were down in London without the kids and he kept making inverted commas with his fingers and talking about “the appointment.” I think she was trying to change the subject, but then he just blurted out that she had come down for an appointment about a breast enlargement. He said this in front of a couple my cousin has never met, also they didn’t think it was in any way funny and were probably very embarrassed because they’re Egyptian and reasonably conservative people. Then he actually had the arrogance to say to me, “haven’t you had yours done then? (I have not) and he turned to interrupt DH who was talking in another group and said he would give him the number if this doctor such and such.

Sorry if this is really long, but it’s hard to describe and there was actually more to it as well, but what happened then was DH gave one if his death stares. The subject was changed swiftly and then DH joined us and I can’t remember but this man said something like, “What are you thinking big man” and DH said, “I’m thinking you are stood in my home insulting my wife.” Then there was a really awkward pause and the H said, “Oh is that the time already,” and then something like “We can’t stay longer for all the fun,” and they basically just left. I said to my cousin, I was really sorry and she said the same to me. I think she was quite upset. I have texted her this morning, but nothing yet.

I know this man was BU, but was DH BU as well. Should he have just laughed it off, for my cousins sake, in other words? WWYD? I hate embarrassing things like this and tend to overthink.

Sorry this is so long and I realise many people won’t bother reading to the end. I won’t do the vote thing in case.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 09/02/2020 16:51

BTW , great husband!

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2020 17:00

IMHO, you didn't owe anyone an apology for what happened. Your DH was 100% right to challenge this sorry excuse for a man on this behaviour. We often put up with far too much bad behaviour in our own homes in the name of 'hospitality'.

Hospitality is a two way street as far as I'm concerned. A guest has just as much responsibility to be a 'good guest' as a host has to be a 'good host'. Your cousin's husband didn't keep up his end of that social contract so there was no need for you to keep up yours.

All you can do at this point is let your cousin know you're there if ever she needs support or a shoulder to cry on. I know it can be hard to let someone know that you think their DP/DH is an arse, but sometimes it has to be done (although couched in 'diplomatic' terms) because if he acts that way in public, imagine how he must be in private!

MargotsBumpyNight · 09/02/2020 18:10

OP I am picturing your husband as a sort of dashing Darcy-era Colin Firth Grin

I think everyone reading your post has immediately got the measure of your cousin's husband and he's an abusive twat. All you can probably do is keep communication open with her so she knows she can always come to you.

MsTSwift · 09/02/2020 18:45

I think sometimes men find it easier to confront people like this we are so conditioned to be “nice” and appeasing.

Dh refuses to speak to my uni friends dh as he was there when she told us in tears about his verbal abuse but inexplicably still went on to marry him. Dh hates his guts and always will.

Daftodil · 09/02/2020 19:00

Your husband definitely wasn't being unreasonable. He didn't shout or kick the guy out, he was assertive and protective. 🦸‍♂️

Bitchbadgerplease · 09/02/2020 19:26

I want a DH like yours.

I feel so sorry for your cousin though. Poor woman :(

ALongHardWinter · 10/02/2020 00:22

Your husband is a hero OP.

StormTreader · 10/02/2020 17:56

The only thing that men like this care about at all is their status in the eyes of other men that they perceive to be at their same social standing or higher, they put women down to other men to try and get status with men at the expense of women.

Your DH making it totally bluntly clear that it had backfired massively was absolutely the right thing to do. Don't tell yourself you should have said something because he won't care at all about his status in the eyes of women and would have ignored or laughed at you.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 10/02/2020 18:26

I agree storm

CurlyMango · 10/02/2020 19:47

Your dh was very very right

CarolinaPink · 10/02/2020 22:02

Good for your DH. Absolutely spot on!

(Does he have a spare brother? Grin)

2020vision10 · 10/02/2020 23:47

Your DH stood up for you and I think he was rather dignified about it too... He was not unreasonable whatsoever. My partner wouldn't let anyone speak to me like that either.

JavaQ · 11/02/2020 00:04

Your husband is a rockstar! What a lovely man. And with a hard stare to rival that of Paddington bear!

The4thSandersonSister · 11/02/2020 02:08

She's obviously used to her husbands behaviour in public, and used to gaslighting it as drunken rambling. Her husband obviously came looking for a fight, all his actions and words back this up, but as a bully when confronted tucked his tail and left. He did score a parting thrust, because as far as he was concerned he'd had his fun.

Your husband was absolutely correct in his response, and TBH I think you should have shown him the door when he was mocking your wait staff. Your cousin might put up with his belittlement and have grown accustomed to public humiliation, but your wait staff could not have be paid enough to endure such a arrogant bigot.

readingismycardio · 11/02/2020 04:45

I like your husband too! Well done!!!! You definitely don't have a DH problem

MzHz · 11/02/2020 07:01

I’d have to say something about the 1 too many crap

“Ha ha, good one, twat was driving wasn’t he!? 🤣. Call for a catch up sometime?”

MzHz · 11/02/2020 07:06

If he’s so minted and they are married, she ought to see what her financial situation could be if she divorces him...

HeronLanyon · 11/02/2020 07:28

I too immediately thought ‘cocaine’ (someone above posted this) as I was wading your description of his behaviour. Or some hit good else which completely buggered up his behaviour!
Good on your dh. Can’t believe you all put up with it for so long (well I can as your poor poor d cousin was with you too.).

HeronLanyon · 11/02/2020 07:28

Reading not wading (honest!)

mullyluo · 11/02/2020 07:45

I think your dh is brilliant standing up for you to someone who was trying to put you down. Well done him.

corythatwas · 11/02/2020 07:54

Your dh stood up for you. You should have stood up for your waiters. If everyone just goes along with bullying and laughs it off, bullying will never end.

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