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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender "disappointment"

408 replies

minesadecaf · 09/02/2020 08:37

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 09/02/2020 08:40

I’m sure she’ll be fine in a day or two. Just send a regular card, don’t over think it.

littlepeas · 09/02/2020 08:41

You’re overthinking this a lot. Just say congratulations.

LolaSmiles · 09/02/2020 08:43

Just say congratulations.
She has a healthy baby.

As an aside, it's depressing that this is yet another situation where a mum is disappointed to have a son because she would rather have a daughter.

Bezalelle · 09/02/2020 08:44

I've said this before on other threads, but I give "gender disppointment" short shrift and I'm not ashamed to say it. Sure, psychological problems, sure we want what we want, but I'm sorry. No. People who "suffer" from it need to spend 10 minutes on the Infertility boards, and even the Conception boards on here, and then think again about their "disappointment".

If we didn't place so much emphasis on "gender" differences, this wouldn't be so much of an issue (and nor would transgenderism, I'd hazard to say).

Your friend has two beautiful sons. I know people who would do literally anything for just one child, of either sex. Yes, we all have our own problems, but this is not one that should be given any sympathy AT ALL.

honesttogod · 09/02/2020 08:45

Once you get your heart set on a gender and it turns out to be the opposite it does take a while to get use to it. I wanted a girl for my first but had a boy by my third I wanted a third boy but got a girl. Wouldn't change any of it now. Just send her a normal congratulations card.

Original poster
minesadecaf · 09/02/2020 08:47

This is exactly why I don't get it @Bezalelle. She's so fortunate.

OP posts:
JanuaryJones20 · 09/02/2020 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Daftodil · 09/02/2020 08:51

I think lots of parents would like one of each, and lots of families can't afford more than 2 children, so it isn't that she's disappointed with a boy, rather she is probably sad that she won't have a daughter.

I have a little boy and another on the way. I'm constantly told by my aunt that her 2 adult sons never call or visit. She always says how lucky my dad (her brother) is to have 2 daughters as it means he gets to see more of us and more of his grandchildren than he would if he'd had boys. My aunt is particularly "girlie" (if that is the right word for a 70yr old!) and would love to have daughters to go on spa days, get her nails done etc.

I do think you are more likely to see your grandchildren more regularly if you are the maternal grandparents than the paternal grandparents (obviously, there are exceptions, but certainly my female friends make more effort to visit their parents than my male friends).

I also have a friend who has 3 boys and girl and she said it was nice to have a daughter so she could pass on her wedding dress, her grandmother's rings and things like that.

LizzieSiddal · 09/02/2020 08:53

Bazelle you don’t know why these people feel so disappointed. There are often very valid reasons for this, so it’s best not to judge them.

OP I hope your friend falls in love with her little baby. If not she should go and get some counselling.

My own experience- my mother left me when I was 3, I never had a “mother daughter” relationship with anyone. So from as far back as I can remember all I wanted was to have a daughter. girl, I am extremely lucky that I had two girls. I can’t say what would have happened if I’d had boys, but I know I can sympathise with those who are disappointed with the sex if their child.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 09/02/2020 08:53

I think it’s a little bit understandable.
I had always imagined myself with boys.
I’m sitting watching tele with my 2 gorgeous girls on my lap!
My strategy was the opposite to your friends’ though and it worked for me. I found out sex at the scan. The second time I was a little disappointed for about an hour (as I knew I only wanted 2) then I got a sense of perspective!
Maybe reinforce with her that traditional roles are not so defined now so plenty of boys will watch frozen, make cakes even be stay at home dads when the time comes so she won’t miss out.

LizzieSiddal · 09/02/2020 08:54

How nice if you January Hmm

LizzieSiddal · 09/02/2020 08:54

*of

Original poster
minesadecaf · 09/02/2020 08:56

I've bought some clothes in yellow and grey and a jellycat.

I think it's true that she's probably getting to terms with probably not having a daughter.

OP posts:
Mamato2gorgeousboys · 09/02/2020 08:58

She doesn’t need you to comfort her. Let her deal with her own emotions and the guilt of feeling that way. She’ll soon come to realise that having two little boys is the best thing ever. They’ll play together and be best friends.

Sceptre86 · 09/02/2020 08:58

She is allowed to feel exactly how she does. It is not her fault that other women have fertility struggles. If she was talking about her feelings to a women who has has miscarriages or is struggling then that would be insensitive at best but she is not. As a friend you can see it but then you know her presumably better than most. She should be able to express her feelings if she wants too. More often than not the disappointment will go away on its own with time. It doesn't mean that she isn't greatful. I would get her a congratulations on your new arrival type card and not mention or focus on the gender disappointment aspect unless she mentions it to you as a friend.

Hahaha88 · 09/02/2020 08:58

I'm with @JanuaryJones20 it's a beautiful healthy baby, what is between it's legs really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 09/02/2020 08:59

And if she’s that bothered about having a girl, she can have another baby in a few years. Not that that is the right reason to bring another life into the world but it is an option.

LaurieMarlow · 09/02/2020 09:00

I think it’s bizarre people aren’t allowed to be a bit sad they won’t have a daughter/son. It’s easy to understand why they’d want both sexes.

Anyone I know in that position got over it very quickly.

Yes others have it much worse. That shouldn’t mean people aren’t allowed to acknowledge their own feelings.

Clawdy · 09/02/2020 09:01

I worked with two friends who were both desperate for a second child. One had had an ectopic pregnancy and had one fallopian tube removed. The other had secondary iinfertility and was very depressed. Everyone was delighted for them when after quite a while, both got pregnant! Then one of them said to me " I'm desperate for a little girl"(she had a son) "and Anna is desperate for a boy!" (She had a daughter). I said "But surely you don't really mind?" and she said firmly "Oh, we do, we both really want one of each." I was amazed that after all the heartache and longing, they could be so bothered! Ironically, they both got what they wanted, too.

aNonnyMouse1511 · 09/02/2020 09:05

I had a friend who knew her last pregnancy was her last one. She had another boy and although loves and adores him, at first she was grieving the loss of a fictional daughter - she knew she’d never have one and the thought of never doing hair and make up and bra shopping and wedding dress shopping etc was sad for her.

She worked through it and she’s passed it now. Celebrate her son - she wants to as well - but listen if she needs to talk too.

Unusualusernames · 09/02/2020 09:05

Sorry but I don't get the lack of empathy on Mumsnet. She's your friend. It doesn't matter whether you understand it. I don't understand peoples' various reasons for being depressed but it's not for me to conclude how they should feel. She's human and that's how she feels. You shouldn't judge her based on how you would feel. And I don't mean to have a go at you because you sound like you are a bit concerned I'm just shocked by the bitchiness of other than peoples comments. I've never suffered from anything like this but w bit of kindness wouldn't go amis from some of the commenters on this thread Angry

aNonnyMouse1511 · 09/02/2020 09:06

Past *

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/02/2020 09:07

I’d ignore and give it a short thrift too. Really winds me up.

LaurieMarlow · 09/02/2020 09:07

And if she’s that bothered about having a girl, she can have another baby in a few years.

How is that a helpful comment? There are many, many reasons why having another baby may not be an option.

PixieDustt · 09/02/2020 09:10

Winds me up so much!
Oh what a shame she didn't get a girl but got a healthy gorgeous little boy instead.
Fgs I hate seeing threads like this they should just be grateful.

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