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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender "disappointment"

408 replies

minesadecaf · 09/02/2020 08:37

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/02/2020 13:23

let me ask you if you've ever engaged in the sort of small talk conversation with a pregnant woman or woman of childbearing age where you ask "Do you know what you're having?" or "Wouldn't it be nice to have a girl after so many boys / boy after so many girls" or "Are you hoping for a boy / girl"? or "Wow, ALL boys / girls??" or "ONLY boys / girls??!", or even "My girl is so different to my boy
Asking if someone has chosen to find the sex out us different to the others. I've asked that and others asked me. People regularly find out so I don't see the issue.

The other questions, I wouldn't ask because they are silly. We found out and it really annoyed me how many people seemed to make stupid comments. We politely pointed out that we were hoping for a healthy baby and left the brief pause to be awkward.

CornerOfTheSky · 13/02/2020 13:31

Asking if someone has chosen to find the sex out us different to the others.

Speaking as someone with children all of the same sex, this question is often the gateway question to asking more intrusive comments and my protective alarm bells start ringing as soon as I get this question. I just don't want to be asked that at all. If the sex of a baby truly doesn't matter, we wouldn't ask that question.

Mittens030869 · 13/02/2020 13:31

@LolaSmiles

Yes, been there. I got sick of other mums asking me, 'Wouldn't your DH like a DS to play trains with?' Because they know that he's a train enthusiast, as an engineer. No, he's been perfectly happy taking our DDs on steam trains.

Obviously, it would be understandable if he was sad about it, but I thought the question was unnecessary and also quite sexist.

WinterCat · 13/02/2020 13:33

If the sex of a baby truly doesn't matter, we wouldn't ask that question.

I think you are sensitive to this because some people will just be making conversation. I say this as someone whose first three children were all the same sex and also fended off similar questions.

puds11 · 13/02/2020 13:34

You get what you’re given. If you’re given a healthy baby you’re lucky as fuck.

Greydove28 · 13/02/2020 13:37

I always imagined having 2 girls and doing all the girly stuff but ended up having 1 girl and 1 boy. Its not what I imagined- my daughter is a total tom boy and my son is the funniest little man. There is no way I would want 2 girls now. You need to be grateful for what you have and count your blessings.

CornerOfTheSky · 13/02/2020 13:45

Of course I'm sensitive to it. That's the point I'm trying to make, trying to help people in this thread understand a bit more about gender disappointment and that "making conversation" isn't as casual as it sounds, it can be damaging and upsetting. Is the onus on people experiencing gender disappointment to be "less sensitive" or is it on everyone else to understand better when certain conversations could be intrusive or triggering?

At this point in time I am confident enough to happily tell people when they are being insensitive towards my family. But when the GD was more recent I wasn't able to be that way. A lot of women feel that GD is such a huge taboo, it can be so hard to talk about, and even their closest friends probably won't get the whole truth about how it has affected them. So, I feel a bit of a duty sometimes to stand up for people experiencing GD and am happy to attempt to enlighten anyone who has any specific points about GD that they just can't get their head around.

WinterCat · 13/02/2020 13:51

I was saying that people can feel the way you so but not everyone does. You stated it as a fact, as if it was a foregone conclusion everyone feels as you do/did and that’s just not true.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2020 13:57

CornerOfTheSky if people use it as a gateway question to their own stupid comments that's on them.

If someone asking about the sex of the baby should be considered a potentially triggering questions then some grips need to be handed out, rather than the whole world avoids any topic in case someone irrationally gets upset.

People asked how baby was doing when I was pregnant. As it happens there were some medical issues, but I wouldn't sit around suggesting they shouldn't have asked a reasonable question in friendly conversation in case it's triggering.

Mittens030869 it makes you want to roll your eyes. I thought it was an odd mentality, but this thread has shown me there really are a substantial number of women who think boys are nice but not quite as good as a girl.

1forsorrow · 13/02/2020 17:44

So, all those who have written in this thread that they have zero sympathy for anyone experience gender disappointment / just can't understand it: let me ask you if you've ever engaged in the sort of small talk conversation with a pregnant woman or woman of childbearing age where you ask "Do you know what you're having?" or "Wouldn't it be nice to have a girl after so many boys / boy after so many girls" or "Are you hoping for a boy / girl"? or "Wow, ALL boys / girls??" or "ONLY boys / girls??!", or even "My girl is so different to my boy"

I wouldn't say I have zero sympathy unless people make a meal of it but no I never ask those questions. I had mine before you found out the sex, well I probably could have with the youngest but I never asked.

I know someone with 5 boys who is horrible about how let down she was not to have a girl and I have always felt sorry for them as she does go on about it. I said earlier my dad wanted a boy but got me instead so I don't think it is always damaging to a child to be the "wrong" sex but I think you can harm them if you try hard enough.

110011pi · 13/02/2020 18:04

Would you say racists have a right to their feelings? It's important to call people out when they are simply being sexist. I glad other people are as baffled as I am that you even try to justify feeling disappointed by the sex of your kid?? This is the harmful stuff that fuels misogyny. I suppose it's true though that there's no point trying to talk to bigots.

JacquesHammer · 13/02/2020 18:07

Would you say racists have a right to their feelings? It's important to call people out when they are simply being sexist. I glad other people are as baffled as I am that you even try to justify feeling disappointed by the sex of your kid?? This is the harmful stuff that fuels misogyny. I suppose it's true though that there's no point trying to talk to bigots

I’m sorry but what tosh Grin

SalmonOfKnowledge · 13/02/2020 18:14

I agree, that's a really stupid analogy anyway.

110011pi · 13/02/2020 18:29

Guess it's too close to the bone. As lots of other people have said, you are so lucky to have children. Enjoy them for who they are, not what you're expecting them to be like because you've been brought up to believe boys will be a certain way and girls will be another. Only if you tell them that!

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 18:40

This is the harmful stuff that fuels misogyny

For those of us who would have liked a girl, you probably mean misandry.

Tombakersscarf · 13/02/2020 18:41

Is you said "wow, all boys" (or girls) I'd think you were an insensitive tosser.

110011pi · 13/02/2020 19:03

Yes, allhuman, every kind of sexism by having disappointment in your child's sex. It does work both ways, you're right.

MamaDane · 13/02/2020 19:16

I think it's natural for women to want a daughter and men to have a son. I was a bit disappointed when I found out my twins were both boys, but I don't care now that they are born. They are amazing.
I'd like love a daughter one day though. I don't care if she's a girly girl or a tomboy. I'm not girly myself in fact. But there just are differences between the two sexes and it would be nice to experience both.

Even if you don't understand your friend, OP. Just have some empathy for her situation, she's not upset at having a son, she's upset that she's not having a daughter. She shouldn't feel ashamed for those feelings, after all, it's not as if she's in control of them. It'll pass eventually.

Also I've been through fertility treatment because of pcos and it's completely irrelevant whether some people can't have kids or not, what matters is that she has feelings she cannot control and having empathy for her.

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 19:22

Yes, allhuman, every kind of sexism by having disappointment in your child's sex. It does work both ways, you're right

I was being facetious actually. Given that you admit it goes both ways, it can’t be sexist, can it?

Jojobythesea · 13/02/2020 19:28

I've two boys and never found out before hand then gender. I was thrilled when I had a second boy. The amount of comments 'ah, you can try for a girl next time' tho 🙄🙄 only ever wished for two and two boys was great 👍👍 I'm very lucky

110011pi · 13/02/2020 19:29

I don't wish to embarrass you all human, but do you understand the definition of misogyny and misandry....if so, you are making the case for 'gender disappointment' being sexist. Or are your saying you're ok with sexism?

Nearlyadad · 13/02/2020 19:39

Not finding out the sex before the birth when you’re desperately hoping for one or the the other isn’t the best strategy

Tombakersscarf · 13/02/2020 23:50

Why? Posters on here have said that the desire for a certain sex can be eclipsed by the sight of your actual, not hypothetical, baby in your arms. I think it could go either way.

Oneliner · 13/02/2020 23:57

Pink is for girls. Fact. Nature dictates it.

MotherofKitties · 22/02/2020 07:39

Sorry to hop on a week late, but I've just found out via a NIPT test that I'm having a little girl (already have a girl) and was so happy that the results came back as low risk, and I was thrilled to find out I'm going to have two girls.

Told DH the second he came through the door, and whilst he was happy the results came back low risk, he said he was a bit disappointed as he now needs to come to terms with the fact he's never going to be dad to a little boy (I've made it clear I can't go through another pregnancy and we would have two max).

I've been absolutely crushed by his response. I spent most of last night in tears. I know he wanted a boy. I also would have liked one of each if possible. But I now feel so low. I lost a baby before this pregnancy so I've been so worked up and paranoid about this pregnancy that I was so relieved the NIPT results came back as low risk and the scans showed a healthy baby. And now my DH (who adores and dotes on DD) has openly expressed his gender disappointment I feel like all the excitement has gone.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from writing this. I haven't told anyone about DH reaction yet so I think I'm just trying to come to terms with his disappointment and get over it.

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