Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

Excellent now the thread can add racism to misogyny and ageism.

But apparently you do need telling about the variant involving the sex of the child. Just because you did not experience that form doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

No, I don't need telling about that either, thanks. Because while I completely accept that for some women, being disappointed about your child's sex may contribute to PND, I still don't believe that means that every woman who expresses any disappointment about the sex of her child in pregnancy or postnatally should be regarded as suffering from a mental illness.

Ok- so you want to re-live the experiences you had as a girl growing up then?

Not relive, no.

However I’d like my personal experience to be able to help and guide my child going through the same. I’d like to bond with my child over those shared experiences. I’d like to see what that journey is like from the mother’s point of view.

I'm sure she'll get over it very quickly. But I also think it's fine to want a preference.

Honestly as a mum of two boys I would have loved a daughter before they were born. I found out at my 20 week health scan as didn't want to be in the position of your friend at birth.

The sonographer told us the sex during the scan, and I was more relieved that he seemed perfectly healthy and had gotten over it by the time I left the hospital. Isn't it a similar situation at birth she's just a bit more emotionally fragile?

I pity the child that grows up knowing their mother wanted the opposite.

@LaurieMarlow it isn’t a symptom of PND in this case given what OP has said though is it. She says in OP that the friend wanted a girl all along and didn’t find out when she could have during as she didn’t want to be disappointed. So going by that it isn’t she’s starting with PND and that’s how it’s manifesting itself.

Of course people are entitled to feel the way they want and do but if we want to talk about empathy realising that it is complete none problem would be the way to go about it. Of course you’re allowed to be disappointed privately but I think using the word mourning when talking about a live healthy baby is incredibly distasteful and provokes the kind of anger I feel towards the issue. Feel disappointed if you must but mourning - no.

From my own point of view when I first started TTC I was one of those who desperately wanted a girl - so I do understand it somewhat but growing up in the 6 years we were trying and then failing made me realise how completely ridiculous it is. When I used to think about it I’d cringe at how I could have been so glib about something so important and when the time came and I finally managed to get and keep hold of a pregnancy I couldn’t have cared a jot!

When I discovered I was pregnant with my first baby 12 years ago I felt a slight pang of disappointment when I was told at my scan that I was having a boy. I honesty thought I was having a girl, the dreams I was having always had a baby girl in them. A few days later I was okay and when he was born I was overjoyed, 12 years old now and we have a lovely close relationship. When I went on a couple of years later to have another baby I didn't have a preference at all, I had a girl.
It is very early days for your friend, women go through all sorts of emotions after the birth of their baby.

My husband really wanted a boy. We have two boys. I think he would have been disappointed with only having girls.
I didnt mind either way but I will say that my boys are so, so loving- I'm treated like a queen at home being the only female in the house. I love it!

She says in OP that the friend wanted a girl all along and didn’t find out when she could have during as she didn’t want to be disappointed. So going by that it isn’t she’s starting with PND and that’s how it’s manifesting itself.

Possibly a lighted hearted preference expressed prior to birth becomes something more serious as PND kicks in.

I don’t know. None of us do. We can’t diagnose or not diagnose PND in a woman none of us have ever met.

It’s very normal to be emotionally fragile after the birth and for small things to become magnified in importance.

God this is like a glimpse of my future....! One of my closest friends is pregnant and has said she will be "devastated" if it's a boy. She already has a boy and was upset he wasn't a girl. I mean, what do you say?? Apart from "get over it and get a grip"?! I swear having babies has made her batty - she used to be such a reasonable person, I would never have expected this of her in a million years. No advice OP but I completely sympathise with the position you're in.

it isn’t a symptom of PND in this case given what OP has said though is it

It can be a trigger. Do you realise that? For many women its a passing thing, disappearing in the early weeks.

For others it becomes the focus and trigger of a serious bout of PND.

Neither case is deserving of being "drop kicked in the face", especially on a site which claims to be "supporting" new mothers.

but if we want to talk about empathy realising that it is complete none problem would be the way to go about it.

I’m sure she’ll get over it very quickly. Almost everyone does.

But she’s allowed to feel how she feels in the moment. I don’t think anyone’s said the OP should indulge or encourage her. They’ve said that encouraging a pile-on on MN isn’t the action of a terribly good friend.

Its fine to feel those feelings. I just hope that those feelings are never picked up by the child because I have friends whose parents very much wanted a specific gender and they have spent their whole lives feeling "second" to an imaginary child of the opposite gender that never existed and that makes me feel really sad. Noone should feel like that.

I just hope that those feelings are never picked up by the child

I’ve never felt anything like the rush of love I felt for my second son when he was laid in my arms.

As someone else said upthread, it’s not that you want the children you have to be a different sex. It’s that you’re mourning the fact that you won’t have the other sex.

And as also been said many times on this thread, the vast majority get over it so fast.

@C8H10N4O2 I said it was too soon to know. It sounds like it's simply disappointment, which we're allowed to feel if things don't work out as we hope. Obviously I don't know, and neither do you. Diagnosing PND online isn't fair, we're talking about someone who is a real life friend of the OP.

It would be different if the OP was the friend who was disappointed about the sex of her baby.

I didn't care what sex my 1st child was but was convinced she was a boy, was very disoriented for about a week after having her, combination of lack of sleep and just being overwhelmed didn't help. Looking back I probably suffered from PND as well as was constantly worried that I hadn't bonded with her.

Maybe OPs friend had convinced herself it was a girl and is now trying to let the reality settle in rather than actually being disappointed??

I don't think people should be judging someone based on what the OP thinks they're feeling 🤷‍♀️

Of course people are entitled to feel the way they want

I’ve just realised that you’re the poster who talked about ‘drop kicking the silly bitch in her face’.

Hmm.

I'll be honest. I had my third baby twelve weeks ago and although I had two sons already, deep down I think I wanted another boy (seems I am unusual in this because everyone always seems to want girls but I've got complex reasons to do with my own mother who I haven't seen in many years).

Anyway, when she was born and was a girl I did have a private moment of 'oh...' and I felt a bit blindsided by it really.

That lasted about a day and I felt awful. Absolutely awful.

Now? I couldn't adore her more. And couldn't imagine her being a boy. I don't even know why I wanted a boy now! She's is perfection.

So, whilst these feelings are real they do pass quickly and most of it is probably hormones and stuff as well. I don't judge anyone for their feelings but you do need to appreciate what you have.

One of my closest friends is pregnant and has said she will be "devastated" if it's a boy. She already has a boy and was upset he wasn't a girl. I mean, what do you say?? Apart from "get over it and get a grip"?!
Don't say anything beyond congratulations for a healthy baby and be a good friend as you would to any new mum.

Perinatal mental health issues aside, there's really no need for more than the mum/couple to think "a boy/girl would have been lovely, but I'm hormonal and I have a healthy baby". I can't get on board with sitting around facilitating self-indulgent moping about not getting the sex you want.

The more people make a huge fuss the more it legitimises being devestated by not having the sex you want.

There are plenty of mothers who let it known through out their lives how disappointed they are never to have a daughter and plenty of women who point out to mother's of boys how much they must regret never having a girl. There are also some mothers who have both who never try to bond with their sons or show any interest in their hobbies because they are boys stuff. Then they wander why they have a distant relationship with their sons later in life. You get what you put in and you can't categorise a person due to their sex, not all boys like sport or all girls like dolls.

It was once said to me. I have 3 DS, and no DD. Wouldn't you rather one was a girl?
No, I said. This is because we imagine what having a girl would be like.
Oh, we can go shopping, do each other's nails, etc.
Guess what! Your DD may not want to go shopping or do your nails.

With relatives who have a disabled child, my only concern is that the baby was healthy, etc

It's so disingenuous to critics women who want daughters. Look at al the shitty MiL threads on here - women trying to go NC with their husbands family, moaning endlessly about perceived slights.

It's one of those stereotypes with a ring of truth. Proverbs, anecdotes, reality - women tend to favour their family in later life.

I have a girl and three boys. I know I'm incredibly lucky.

Why is always disappointment ar having a boy? Boys are brill

I have a little boy that is 3 years old and I love him with all my heart 🙂. I wasn't fussed either way about the sex as it took us 3 years just to conceive.

My dad suffered this 'gender disappointment' all of our lives (me and 3 sisters) because he wanted a boy and never got one and it's affected us all and gives us bad memories of childhood to be honest. If these feelings she has pass within a few weeks, no harm done but if she keeps these feelings into her son growing up, it will do harm no doubt. I think sometimes people need to accept that they don't always get what they want and their dreams are just that, dreams! It might be worth mentioning that my dad was a spolit brat as a child so I think the fact he harboured feelings about not 'getting what he wanted' had something to do with that.

Diagnosing PND online isn't fair, we're talking about someone who is a real life friend of the OP.

Nobody was diagnosing, simply pointing out that this was a possibility. The posters making up their judgemental little minds are those making fairly vile comments about a new mother being ridiculous and telling her she has no right to her feelings.