Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

But then, the infertility is something I've long since cone to terms with. For a woman still hurting about not having her own birth child, I can understand why she would react angrily at the OP's friend not simply being grateful to have a second healthy baby boy.

You really don’t understand the issue at all do you

No, I really dont. Genuine question- what is so terrible about having a son? and why is it always sons people are devastated by? what is it specifically about having a girl that is so marvellous?- i would genuinely like to know. Because if its just visions of shopping days and girly activities- she might not be into any of that at all?

My friend recently found out she was having a boy after going on for weeks about wanting a girl. This is her first baby. I don't understand how people can be so openly anti-boys . Really grates on me especially as this friend's sister in law had just had a failed IVF attempt after years of trying.

Gender 'disappointment' 😐

What a pile of shit. I have 0% sympathy for these people.

Depression is an illness, a legitimate medical issue. "Gender Disappointment" is not.

The point being made is that gender disappointment can manifest as part of PND or can trigger it. YABTU to minimise it.

The point being made is that gender disappointment can manifest as part of PND or can trigger it. YABTU to minimise it

Yes exactly this.

I don’t buy the ‘oh it’s all about rigid gender expectations and wanting spa days’ either.

I’m not ‘girly’ in the slightest. I couldn’t give a fuck about spa days or nails. However I wanted a girl. I wouldn’t have minded how her sex manifested itself, but I would have lived the experience of raising someone the same sex as me and being able to go through that journey with her.

I had two beautiful boys instead. I couldn’t love them more. But I mourned never having a daughter. There’s nothing wrong with that.

This sort of thread really sorts out the folk with empathy from the ones with the pitchforks.

Interesting how its suddenly gender when most MN users insist upon sex when someone dares to mention finding out the "gender" in scans..

What the OP describes doesn't sound like it's part of PND, though. The friend was desperate to have a girl and didn't have one. That's just disappointment. Of course she might have PND, but it's far too early for anyone to know.

I would have lived the experience of raising someone the same sex as me and being able to go through that journey with her

Why is raising someone the sex as you so important? you can still go through the journey from childhood to adulthood with your sons- thats still a journey and just as important. Its not the same journey that you personally trod but why does it have to be the same?

@Daftodil that may be true in your family, but in mine it’s my two brothers who call my mom every single day and not the daughters. It’s also my brother who visits home the most (every other weekend for the football but he stays to see my parents when he doesn’t have to) and who is trying to move within 15 minutes of them with his partner so the grandchildren will be nearby. Basically, I think gender stereotypes are unhelpful. How much contact a parent has with their adult child is completely dependent on both personality and the type of relationship a parent builds with their child, not their gender.

Why is raising someone the sex as you so important? you can still go through the journey from childhood to adulthood with your sons- thats still a journey and just as important. Its not the same journey that you personally trod but why does it have to be the same

Because there are specific experiences unique to each sex. The process of growing up brings different challenges and different joys. HTH.

I'm seriously getting sick of all these gender disappointment threads on mumsnet. It always seems to be because the woman had a boy.Could you imagine if it was the reverse and they were upset they had a girl or their partner was upset they didn't get his long for boy, there would be uproar. Enjoy your babies, everyone of them are completely different with different personalities and interests.

The point being made is that gender disappointment can manifest as part of PND or can trigger it. YABTU to minimise it.

I'm not minimising PND. At all. I suffered with severe PND myself and it was the single worst experience of my life so I don't need anyone telling me how serious it is, thanks very much. But surely any difficult, upsetting or stressful experience any woman has during pregnancy could potentially be a contributory factor in the development of PND. Does that mean that all pregnant or postpartum women who are upset about anything going on in their lives should be treated as though they're already suffering from a mental health issue?
I was not minimising PND, I was making the point that so called "gender disappointment" is not, in and of itself, an illness as so many MNers seem to think.

@MimiLaRue It absolutely is not always about sons - I actively wanted a boy and would have been disappointed with a girl.

I would leave that hornets nest well alone @minesadecaf

Because there are specific experiences unique to each sex

Ok- so you want to re-live the experiences you had as a girl growing up then? I'm not being judgy, I'm trying to get to the root of why this is bothering people so much. It seems like a lot of the subconscious reasons for wanting a girl is to make amends or to have a second chance at parts of childhood that people feel were "missed" when they were growing up

Why are people with infertility always dragged into gender disappointment as a stick to beat people with

@mynameiscalypso

I get it- but the overwhelming majority of these threads is usually always about being terribly disappointed about having a son

What the OP describes doesn't sound like it's part of PND

You can remote diagnose? How brilliant of you.

Peri/post natal depression can be triggered by gender/sex disappointment or the disappointment can be a symptom of PND.

It may also be a passing thing for a few days.

But no, lets all get the pitchforks and bitch about a woman about whom we know nothing but who may be in early stages of a serious mental health problem. Lets throw in a goodly set of misogynist and ageist tropes along they way just for good measure.

I should add that a lot of the reasons for wanting a boy rather than a girl for me was because a boy is far less likely to experience the kind of trauma that I have which is experienced (most of the time, clearly not all of the time) by woman (rape, abusive relationships, eating disorders etc)

so I don't need anyone telling me how serious it is, thanks very much

But apparently you do need telling about the variant involving the sex of the child. Just because you did not experience that form doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Could you imagine if it was the reverse and they were upset they had a girl or their partner was upset they didn't get his long for boy

Yep it’s a total double standard! If a guy was disappointed he didn’t get a son, people would be calling him every name under the sun.

Funny how people are crazy about the gender of their children. I remember typing for this Indian accountant who asked me how he could have a boy as he had already had too many girls. For Indians and Chinese, they would go bonker if they don't have a male heir! Girls are seen as loser as there is dowry to be paid. Had a colleague who had had no children for years and MIL told son to divorce her. Then she miraculously had one and before the boy was one, she had another!

But come on, isn't it nice just to have healthy babies? People do have funny reason to upset themselves.