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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender "disappointment"

408 replies

minesadecaf · 09/02/2020 08:37

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

OP posts:
Voila212 · 09/02/2020 10:44

Anyone who have a healthy baby is incredible lucky Noeuf.

MimiLaRue · 09/02/2020 10:45

Boys are brill

I totally agree!

mistermagpie · 09/02/2020 10:46

Yes, ironically it was partly my mum's gender disappointment about me that led to our terrible relationship and ultimately the fact that we haven't spoken in years. At least she can't be disappointed by my children because she's never met them.

littlejalapeno · 09/02/2020 10:46

Yikes.

Let’s divide this one into people who get it and people who are being wilfully obtuse from atop their high horses.

OP send a congratulations card. The rest is clearly above your level and therefore none of your business.

Limer · 09/02/2020 10:47

After reading threads like this, I always privately wonder about 3-child families where the sexes are BBG or GGB. And I feel sorry for the second child who was probably the "wrong" sex. It's absolutely ridiculous that people have such old-fashioned opinions that belong in Jane Austen's era.

Give your friend a few days to recover from the birth, then gently remind her she's not collecting stamps, "wanting one of each", and it's not 1750 any more.

chuttypicks · 09/02/2020 10:48

People who are likely to suffer gender disappointment if they don't get what they want should always find out at the 20 week scan. That way they can get over their disappointment before the baby is born rather than it cause issues with bonding once the baby is born, after they've had 9 months hoping for the opposite gender.

JanuaryJones20 · 09/02/2020 10:50

And I’m allowed to feel like that @LaurieMarlow doesn’t get that I don’t understand people can feel like they want. Doesn’t mean I can’t wholeheartedly disagree with it and feel anger towards the flippancy of It. And it is completely flippant in the grand scheme of making and having babies.

mistermagpie · 09/02/2020 10:54

Limer I have BBG and the only one I ever felt fleeting gender disappointment about was the girl. Yet practically everyone we know says things like 'oh you finally got your girl' like I was desperate for one. It's insulting and really cruel to my boys. With my second boy I was desperate for a son again and was delighted when he was born, people genuinely seem not to believe this for some reason. The other two I had a less strong preference for but I absolutely did not have a third child to 'get a girl' and I hate that people assume that.

Russellbrandshair · 09/02/2020 10:55

Doesn’t mean I can’t wholeheartedly disagree with it and feel anger towards the flippancy of It

I agree. People are allowed to feel gender disappointment and others are also allowed to feel its shallow in the context of having a healthy baby.

Pinktornado · 09/02/2020 10:57

I wonder if the posters on here being the harshest are the mothers of sons themselves...? When I stated my preference for a daughter when pregnant I got so much vitriol from mothers of sons. Like I was personally having a dig at their beautiful boys, or exposing some lack they felt but wouldn’t admit. Mothers of only daughters seemed more chilled out. (Now a proud mother of a DS myself and although I wouldn’t change him for the world, I do understand the natural inclination to have a preference.)

Russellbrandshair · 09/02/2020 10:58

wonder if the posters on here being the harshest are the mothers of sons themselves...?

Possibly. Just like if a poster said her husband was disappointed he had a girl, I’m sure lots of girl mums would be calling him names

whyamidoingthis · 09/02/2020 10:59

@TheNoiseHurts - Said by someone who sounds like they haven't experienced the pain of infertility....

So you're suggesting that suffering from infertility gives someone the right to advocate violence?

@JanuaryJones20 's comment: After years of infertility then miscarriages I privately want to drop kick silly bitches like your friend In the face......publicly what @LolaSmiles said

This is an appalling comment. Her infertility is irrelevant to the feelings of the op's friend and certainly does not justify a violent response (and yes, I know she doesn't mean she would actually be physically violent). Many people have a preference for a particular sex. Many are disappointed. For the vast majority, the disappointment is brief and they adore the child they have. For a small number, it can be indicative of pnd. Surely that warrants sympathy and support?

DesLynamsMoustache · 09/02/2020 10:59

It's a tough one. I fully admit I wanted a girl. Not for any stereotypical reasons really - I am as ungirly as they come. And I have no interest in dressing DD in pink frills. I think, for me, it's that I had and have a very close relationship with my mum, and as an only child, I felt that mother-daughter bond was incredibly strong. We are only having one, so I did want to get the chance to have the same experience. DH also wanted a girl, but I've never asked his reasons for that. And we never voiced our opinions on the topic to each other until after she arrived, as neither wanted the other to feel like they were 'disappointed' in any way.

However, I did realise that when she arrived, I would have been delighted either way because the relief that she was just here and healthy was overwhelming. And she was her own person, not 'a girl', or 'a boy'; she was just her.

I am glad I got my daughter. But if she'd been a boy, I'd be writing that I was glad I got my son.

mistermagpie · 09/02/2020 11:00

*Mothers of only daughters seem more chilled out
*
Now I've heard everything!

Duggeeismysaviour · 09/02/2020 11:00

I'm sure she feels bad for feeling this way. I'm sure she is grateful and aware she is lucky that she had two healthy children.

I do not understand why people are being so harsh and saying she had no right to be secretly disappointed.

Its like saying to someone with anxiety that there are people living in wartorn countries, people who are starving, homeless - consider yourself lucky and get over it. There is always somebody in a worse situation, that doesn't mean you can't feel a certain way about your own life. As long as she isn't openly lamenting the sex of dc2 to someone who has struggled with infertility, people should back off and allow her to feel the way she feels. I'm sure she isn't exactly enjoying it herself.

IndieTara · 09/02/2020 11:07

My ex husband was so disappointed when he found out we were having a girl. He had to phone his mum to tell her how disappointed he was. I never forgave him

StepAwayFromGoogle · 09/02/2020 11:13

After three heartbreaking miscarriages myself and watching my SIL's heart break at being told she has a child born with a genetic condition that will affect her for life, I have zero sympathy for anyone 'suffering' with gender disappointment. I think it is the preserve of the super lucky and super fertile to not realise how blessed they are.

LaurieMarlow · 09/02/2020 11:13

And I’m allowed to feel like that

Feel. Yes.

Wishing violence on someone and calling them nasty names is a whole other thing.

It was a terrible thing to say.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 09/02/2020 11:15

@Duggeeismysaviour - anxiety is a problem. War is a problem. Starving is a problem. Homelessness is a problem. Having a perfectly healthy child is not a problem.

Mummyzzz044 · 09/02/2020 11:18

Oh my.. a little disappointment ok... be happy the baby is healthy!! Just send congrats and let her come to 'terms" with it.

SallyWD · 09/02/2020 11:20

It's making me sad to read post after post about women being devastated they're having a healthy baby boy. Watching my 2 children as I type this. My DS is in no way second best compared to my DD.

LaurieMarlow · 09/02/2020 11:22

My DS is in no way second best compared to my DD.

No one is actually saying that and if you read the thread properly you’d know that.

LolaSmiles · 09/02/2020 11:24

Noeuf
It's not that simple

Is it that the DIL is imagining issues? Possibly.
Or is it that the sort of MIL who wants a mummy's boy feels threatened by any women in her little boy's life, acts accordingly and then ends up claiming they're emotionally wounded because her little boy is no longer playing his mummy's boy role? Also possible.

If my MIL acted the way some MiLs do on her then I'd be pissed off and hoping we distances ourselves from the emotional manipulation.

Given how prominent the "mummy's boy", "son's only a son until he gets a wife'" and MIL issues seem to be, I can't help but wonder if a lot of this is shaped by how sons are raised and their mother's feelings about having a son.

ClappyFlappy · 09/02/2020 11:24

What @LolaSmiles said, exactly.

I am fed up hearing about this all the time as if boys are second best or they’re good enough for the likes of me to have but not someone else who is “desperate for a girl” and “disappointed” when they don’t get one.

She’s got a lovely healthy baby, nothing other than unqualified and heartfelt congratulations is appropriate.

Duggeeismysaviour · 09/02/2020 11:27

I'm so tired of the thought police.

Why can she not feel a certain way, most likely temporarily and in the context of knowing she is lucky and grateful for having a healthy child. I'm sure some of you have had "unreasonable" upsets in your lives before Hmm

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