Gender "disappointment"

[minesadecaf]

Is that even the correct word? Aibu to not understand this?

My friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy son a few days ago. This is her dc2, a second boy. She didn't find out the sex during her pregnancy for the reason that she'd be disappointed to be told if it was a boy and would rather hold on for a surprise in "the hope" of the baby being a girl.

Now he's here and he's amazing! Friend is happy he's healthy of course but she's noticeably upset/gutted (not sure which if either is correct way of describing her emotions but I hope it's clear enough) that she hasn't had a little girl. Frankly, I just can't understand it so how can I "comfort" her? I want to send a congratulations card but all the "it's a boy!" messages seem weirdly inappropriate. I'm out of my depth here.

Now I should add that I'm a mother of two girls whom obviously I adore but still, I just can't imagine being despondent about not having "the right one".

Aibu??

@MotherofKitties
probably most people in our family were disappointed with the fact that our twins were boys, including my DP and I, as there are ONLY boys already. But now they are born and obviously no one feels this way anymore. The boys are adored by everyone but especially by us 😍

He imagined having a son and will never have one so those dreams have been shattered and it's OK he needs time to get used to that.

Just give it time

So sorry @MotherofKitties, that’s why I think it’s better not to know the sex before the birth. Mother Nature’s quite a wise old bird.

He’ll come to terms with it and will be over the moon when he sees and holds her. Give him time. 💐

@MamaDane and @Alsohuman thank you so much for replying. I told him how I felt and he's apologised, so whilst we're not 100% I think he now understands why I felt so upset, as in we should be overjoyed we have a healthy baby after having a miscarriage and not concentrate on any perceived 'negative'.

I feel a bit better anyway. Sometimes just venting on here can help

Sounds like he isnt sad at having another daughter, he's sad at never having a son. Two very different things.

After I had my lovely dd2, and my dh (from an all-boys family) had given me a lovely ring - I’d never had an engagement ring - a friend (non-Brit, different culture) came to visit.

She took one look at my ring and said, ‘You got that for a girl?’

While I can understand gender disappointment, I can’t understand people telling everybody that they’re so hoping for one or the other. If it doesn’t happen some horrible or entirely thoughtless person is bound to tell the child later that they were a disappointment.
IMO they should keep it to themselves.

@Ohhgreat I know, and if I hadn't have had a miscarriage before this pregnancy it probably wouldn't have affected me in the way that it did, but given the circumstances any suggestion of disappointment around this baby was always going to hit me hard. I still think he should have thought before he said anything negative.

DD is the only grandchild on both sides at the moment, and my DHs family are from a different culture where all of the family 'back home' have had boys, and when we visited it couldn't be clearer that my DD was treasured and loved by all the family, and whilst I'm sure it'll be the same with this baby, there is a definite feeling/social expectation for a boy to 'carry on the family name', something which I think must have been there in the back of my DHs mind, contributing to him feeling and saying what he did.

I think now though, now 24 hours have passed and we've both had time to reflect on our feelings (and to reign in my out of control pregnancy hormones...!) we know this baby will be loved regardless of gender. And I'm glad we've found out now. If he had been visibly disappointed at her birth I don't think I could have handled it.

But it's an odd thing 'gender disappointment'. This is the first time I've had experience of it, albeit not first hand. I don't envy those who do go through it directly themselves and I hope it all works out for all those who do x

Daughters can carry on the family name. I’m married but use my own family name. Bring your daughters up as feminists and job done! Just enjoy that beautiful baby when she arrives.

@Alsohuman Oh I most certainly will