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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
DICarter1 · 08/02/2020 19:36

That’s really crappy but I think you’re dh needs to have a word with his mum and his dad.

Longwhiskers14 · 08/02/2020 19:37

I would cancel – no way would I drive all that way for just two days. But while cancelling your DP should really call out his parents for not standing up to SIL and setting her straight that you booked to go first. The problem really lies with them – they're putting SIL and her family before him, you and your DC.

Howyiz · 08/02/2020 19:40

Just be honest. No, that doesn't suit.
If you have previously stayed at a hotel why not suggest that they book a hotel.

CareBear50 · 08/02/2020 19:40

I would explain to the in-laws that this is not fair. You rarely go down to Cornwall and you don't have any other holidays booked.

Is pitching a tent for overspill a possibility for a lot of the kids? They might love that

HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 19:43

Your DP is the issue here.
He is obviously fine with his parents favouring his sister over him.

I’d probably be really petty and say something like “we’ll cancel then, can you please ask when your daughter thinks it’s ok for us to visit you or should I just go through her?”

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:44

If we cancel I think they’ll all just think we’re being petty. They already think I’m incredibly demanding because I once refused to travel in a car with our youngest without a car seat.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 08/02/2020 19:44

I would ask DP to send a message back saying that as you had already asked and made plans it's not really ok (it's really far to drive young kids for only 48 hours). But why don't darling sister and bil come as well and stay in XX hotel like you have had to do on XX occasion when you are all down together.

Drum2018 · 08/02/2020 19:47

Why aren't your PIL telling sil to piss off? Why are they pandering to her? Surely it's up to them to decide who stays in their house and as they told your Dh he could stay first, then they should stand by that arrangement . I'd definitely cancel and tell Dh to let PIL that you are both very unhappy that they have effectively forced you out of your planned holiday. SIL sounds like such a childish bitch but your PIL are as bad.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:47

DP suggested tent. It didn’t go down well at all!

Both SIL and BIL are being really passive aggressive about it in email replies. So if we do go, we’d have a day with them there and I’d struggle with that I think!

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 08/02/2020 19:47

Sounds to me like they don't want his dps having time alone with your dc....

Longwhiskers14 · 08/02/2020 19:48

Easterbunnyboiler20 Then get your DP to make it clear you're not being petty. He needs to point out that driving for five hours each way to only stay for two days simply isn't worth it. Maybe suggest that this time SIL and her family books the hotel like you've had to previously? If the answer is still no, then I don't see how they can think you petty.

CakeandCustard28 · 08/02/2020 19:49

Just say no, that doesn’t suit. You can’t cancel because your children will be upset can they stay at a hotel? If they’re going to be passive aggressive give them a taste of their own medicine. They might back off when they know they can’t push you around anymore.

Upsideandundergarments · 08/02/2020 19:49

How totally frustrating! My immediate reaction would be to kick up a fuss, say it had been agreed at Christmas and then reconfirmed so you were sticking to your plans end of.

However, you can't really do that as it's your PILs place so they make the final call. If you forced them into it the holiday would be full of bad feeling.

I agree get your DP to call his parents and gently explain that you had requested at Christmas and they had agreed, plans were made around their word. Try and point out the discrepancy between the time spent with SIL and BIL and the time spent with your family. Try and keep it positive - "the kids are so excited to see you/ we were so delighted by your generous offer etc"

If they still say that they only want to do the compromise and have you come for two days then I would say, "We still appreciate the offer but it doesn't make sense for us to come down for just two days. We are sorry it didn't work out on this occasion." Don't back down or you'll set a precedent of being bossed around at the last minute. If your DH feels up to it and has that can of relationship I would even throw in a "We fully respect your decision but I hope you can understand our upset and disappointment"

If you would still like to go in the future perhaps say, "We are free at the following times, can you email us if any of them work for you and we will make plans around that." Get it in writing then if little miss entitled demands the time you can show the paper trail.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/02/2020 19:50

I think instead of backing down you need to say no, explain why & say for any less time it’s not cost & time worth you going
Point out you’ve previously stayed in a hotel & your sil can do the same
I think it’s time your sil grew up they could stay in an Airbnb or maybe next year you cauldron all share somewhere
Don’t back down
First come first serve x

HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 19:50

Change your mindset.

Accept that none of them want to see your family, you are not welcome.
They’ve made that clear.
They think you’re being petty by insisting on safety for your child? They can fuck off.
Your kids don’t need to be second best, make better choices of company for them.

SIL had won a long time ago.

Laurendelight · 08/02/2020 19:50

We were pushed out of the PIL house when we visited them 6 hours drive away. It was only one night but we never stayed at their house again. Every year we visit and we go to a hotel. I see the hurt but I’m sick of favouritism to the family members that genuinely don’t deserve it. Lucky for us we don’t want it.

caperberries · 08/02/2020 19:52

I'm feeling a bit guilty reading this because I'm v much like the SIL you describe in my own family, I visit more often & do get preferential treatment over my DB & his wife, who kick up a stink about it. But I'm very close to my DM, we chat on the phone several times a week, she likes visiting my family as well & she finds my DB and SIL hard work. They may well have arranged to visit at Easter months ago, and FIL forgot?

In your position, I'd back out & try not to take it personally. Can you visit your own family, instead?

strawberry2017 · 08/02/2020 19:52

Lay the guilt on with the PIL, you really want to spend some time with them, you don't have a lot of spare cash to stay in a hotel, you don't have a lot of spare holidays and financially it doesn't make sense to come for a short trip.
Apologise but say you always take a back seat to the other siblings but this time you won't time with them to yourself.
If that doesn't work- don't bother going at all.
Your DH has to stand his ground otherwise his siblings will continue to do this for the rest of his life.
They are unfair and unreasonable.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:54

I don’t so much think it’s favouritism; I think DP’s parents are just a bit clueless about it all. The way SIL and BIL have phrased it all to MIL and FIL - aside from snotty comments direct to DP - is in a very breezy “oh why don’t we all meet up on the Saturday!” kind of way.

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 08/02/2020 19:55

If they're clueless, all the more reason for DP to talk to them directly about why you feel let down. Don't email so the SIL can see it, get him to call them.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/02/2020 19:55

Your DP needs to step up and tell his parents that they need to tell SIL you were already staying and they can book a hotel for once. Explain you cannot afford this and they can afford many hols a year.

Suetheliar · 08/02/2020 19:55

Get your DP to say to Sil that it was agreed that you were staying from X to X. Sil can come if she wants but you're not leaving until X date so she's sleeping in the living room/garden if she arrives early

NoFucksImAQueen · 08/02/2020 19:56

Mil is like this, she doesnt see any favouritism though Hmm I fail to see how anyone can be so blind to it but there you go. I like SIL and shes not a dick so that helps but I'm telling you from someone who has seen this pattern for years this wont change. Since your SIL is a dick I just wouldn't go and tell PIL that since SIL seems to always have priority you just wont bother anymore, its their loss.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:58

DP still wants to go - thinks we should just use a day’s holiday to make the trip longer after the bank holiday Monday, and come home on the Tuesday.

OP posts:
Hanab · 08/02/2020 19:59

@caperberries I think you are so wrong in suggesting they choose an alternate time or family to spend Easter with! They have every right to want to spend time with the parents and sister in law can change her plans to accommodate them!