Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:

Rachel709 · 10/02/2020 19:21

Say no it's their turn to book a hotel.

Alsohuman · 10/02/2020 19:22

Honestly, I would stay for the full week, and when SIL rocks up, tell her she will have ti stay in a hotel as you are not leaving. Yes, it will rock the boat, but personally, I really don't think I couls allow her to get her own way yet again. The entitled cow

You’ve missed the point. It’s not OP’s house. The in laws get to decide who stays there. Would you really do that to them?

babybythesea · 10/02/2020 19:27

Word of warning.
Like a PP I live in Cornwall. When you say 5 hours drive, do you mean on a good day with little traffic? My worst journey to date to see my parents (in London, so the reverse of the journey you will be doing) took 8.5 hours, 2 of which took place before I’d even left Cornwall.
The actual drive, for us, takes 5 hours. More usually, it takes 6.5 (allowing for wee stops, and some traffic). So be even more sure that this is how you want to play it.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/02/2020 19:41

I just wouldn't go simple as that.

Angrywife · 10/02/2020 19:52

I haven't read the full thread, my phonr keeps freezing when I try to change pages so apologies if this has already been addressed, but if you asked at Xmas, 2 months ago, and SIL asked 6 months ago, isn't it you gate crashing their holiday?

Barney60 · 10/02/2020 19:56

think id have to get DP to stand up to his family, out of order if you already arranged to go.

Menopausalcraziness · 10/02/2020 20:13

I feel for you - my exh was always the least favoured by his mum, which has continued to our dc!
I’d be inclined to call out SIC & BIC on this situation when down there. I’d even point out their wealth - possibly a reason they’re millionaires is because they never pay to stay with parents and other family members!
I find this very hard to comprehend as our parents just don’t act this way?

angelfacecuti75 · 10/02/2020 22:25

Don't go visit. Tell them why. Say/do says "well no it's not ok really is it? We asked ages ago , you said yes. Now you expect us to fork out for a hotel we can't afford or travel that long way for 2 days ? That's not really fair is but mum ? We've had to stay in hotels to accommodate them before , why are they being petty about doing so when we've had to and couldn't afford it ? This is not school. We are adults. If you want to see your grandkids let us come and put us first for a change and stick to your promises instead of mucking us around."

Petlover9 · 10/02/2020 22:33

@ angelfacecuti75 - best advice, I would say the same. Op deserves some thoughtfulness

angelfacecuti75 · 10/02/2020 22:33

No but *

coconutpie · 11/02/2020 09:01

It's a huge mistake to still go - nothing will ever change if you just put up with this crap. Yes you do have a DH problem - this isn't him being thoughtful at all because he's allowing his wife and DC get treated like shit. Either you still go on holiday for the days agreed in advance or you don't go at all, no compromise.

Petlover9 · 11/02/2020 16:57

OP -could YOU call FIL and explain about how you have to use sumner leave to look after the children and that Easter is the one time that you could all be together for a break.

You could say too, “ I thought it was all arranged and YOUR gc were so looking forward to seeing YOU. It is a shame that our income will not stretch to hotel costs. I work because we need the money for living expenses and there is nothing left over for hotels. I REALLY thought it was all arranged, I am disappointed because the children were so excited, but it is too far to drive for a couple of days”

I would not go for 2 days; be polite but firm. SIL sounds an entitled bitch, hope she breaks her leg or something to keep her at home!!

Original poster

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 11/02/2020 19:22

As I’ve said, we’re going for four days, just not quite the days we intended to go for.

It’s a shame and of course it will sour things with DP’s sister and her family. I see that as their choice not ours. We will work on thing with the PILs.

As I’ve said they tend to bury their heads in the sand and just don’t “get” and of the internal politics with DB and his sister. They won’t remotely realise we’re put out by a) the way SIL spoke to DP and b) the way our plans have been changed. I think they just think the siblings should sort it out among themselves.

As for people saying “go for a week in August” or “just go before SIL”. None of these things will be happening. I’ve said about ten times that we do not have the annual leave for that. THIS was our holiday, four days, not a week. We will have a couple more long weekends more local to us and we’re saving like crazy to go abroad.

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 12/02/2020 03:55

Be direct, since “breezy” isn’t working.

“No. We are not driving ten hours round trip to spend forty-eight precious hours with Mom and Dad. You saw them at Christmas. Easter is our turn. This was settled with Mom and Dad months ago. You can stay at ‘XXX’ Inn like we did last time. Fair is fair.
xo @Easterbunnyboiler20

Ginburee · 12/02/2020 10:52

Either don't go or don't back down, if you change your plans you are showing all of them how easily manipulated you are and that it is ok to mess you around.

FamBae · 12/02/2020 13:59

Of course your PIL "get" it, they just want to see all their DGC at Easter and want a quiet life, selfish but understandable.

MrsKoala · 12/02/2020 14:28

They won’t remotely realise we’re put out by a) the way SIL spoke to DP and b) the way our plans have been changed.

Then tell them, clearly, how hurt you are and how unfair this behaviour is of sil. I'd wait till I was face to face with them at Easter and say calmly, factually and unemotionally how I felt. I'd say with this in mind you would like to visit next for xmas/next easter from x-y dates and if this then became difficult because of sil you would all know where you stand and would re-assess your relationship from then on.

Id make it absolutely clear to sil and bil as well. In fact i'd do my best to not be near them at all from now on. Cool it right down. It doesn't matter if they say its you causing the problems. They already have no respect for you or your dh or care for your feelings so stop playing their games.

MrsKoala · 12/02/2020 14:33

Just a thought - I know you said you use annual leave for summer hols but are you using annual leave for the Tuesday after Easter now to stay there 4 days? If so couldn't you cancel it and then use it the Fri before/Tuesday after August bank holiday and still have 4 days there which then wouldn't overlap at all with sils visit. You'd still be having the same amount of A/L and the same amount of time there as you current plans. Personally i'd rather something like that than this Easter arrangement.

caperberries · 12/02/2020 15:47

This is a confusing paragraph - you don't have any leave but you're 'saving like crazy to go abroad'. How will you go abroad if you don't have the leave?

You say SIL always goes to see her parents at Easter and goes abroad at other times? Why would you attempt to make an arrangement that you know will be controversial - and if you're saving to go abroad, it does rather indicate that you have other leave on the horizon.

Why not invite ILs to stay with you? Then they could spend time with the DGC, perhaps do school runs etc without using up your leave or causing drama with the SIL?

Original poster

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 12/02/2020 20:05

Saving like crazy will take years @caperberries

OP posts:

Alsohuman · 12/02/2020 20:33

You live on a different planet caperberries

HavenDilemma · 14/02/2020 15:22

@Easterbunnyboiler20

I'm not sure why you started this thread OP if you weren't prepared to stand up for your kids or get DP to do so?
With respect, if we act like doormats then people WILL walk all over us! Fact of life that I've taken far too many years to realise!

This is a wonderful opportunity to teach your kids to stand up for what they believe is right. As parents, we lead by example after all.......

If this was a situation one of your children were in with their in-laws, what would you say to them?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread