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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/02/2020 20:19

I would say... "do you realise how many times you've been down to DPs/PILs without us. Please stop this. We arranged this ages ago."

Talkingmouse · 08/02/2020 20:19

I would 100% not be staying in a local hotel or driving to Cornwall for 2 days, at the behest of SiL. F that.

SecretMillionaire · 08/02/2020 20:20

If you still go you do realise that the favouritism will extend to the children when they are all together. Doesn’t sound like a holiday I’d want my children to have.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:21

@itsgettingweird I’m sorry, that must be rubbish.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 08/02/2020 20:22

SIL is not worried about falling out with your DH, is she.

He needs to tell her that you are going for the time already agreed. First come first served.

sonjadog · 08/02/2020 20:22

If you have told them you are fine with it and are going along with their plan, you can´t really blame them for thinking that everything is okay. This thread shows you aren't fine with it. Tell them that and have honest communication. Otherwise this situation will happen again and again.

Franklyyes · 08/02/2020 20:23

DP needs to man-up and have a very straight conversation with parents and sibling. You can’t afford to go elsewhere or only stay for 2 nights-bloody ridiculous
Be up front and then thrash it out and make DP stand up for himself. Say it as it is - if loaded sibling still won5 budge then don’t go but make it very clear why not

PanamaPattie · 08/02/2020 20:24

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't ask again. I would rather spend the time and money somewhere lovely closer to home. Your DC are young and will enjoy anytime and anywhere with you both.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 20:25

@caperberries But I'm very close to my DM, we chat on the phone several times a week

Then why do you need to see her so much? Chat on the phone, and let your DB has his time with her.

& she finds my DB and SIL hard work

How can she, when she barely sees them? Maybe if she spent more time with them, and knew them better, and took the time to understand them (which can only be done via communicating), she wouldn't? So you should feel very guilty. Imagine how your own DB feels? Why would you treat him like this? And a mother preferring and giving special treatment to one child over another is evil and cruel and the worst possible thing you could do. You would know this, if you had experienced it.

I'd back out & try not to take it personally.

Hmm Easy to say when you're not the one on the receiving end. I am sure if you were, you would take it very personally.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/02/2020 20:27

Caperberries I think your gloating attitude towards your brother & his family is disgusting. It sounds as if you are enjoying causing hurt and division within your family

1Morewineplease · 08/02/2020 20:27

I’m sorry to say that I’d back off and tell my partner to tell his parents that SIL is being demanding and so you won’t be visiting as a two day visit from where you live is impractical and unreasonable and that you can’t afford a hotel stay.
Let your PIL deal with it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2020 20:27

Is there anyway dates can overlap a day or two so you each still have a full week?

Sis goes say Tue - Mon, you go Sat - Fri ? Then you'd both be there the Easter weekend but still have time 'alone'.

Maybe that doesn't work with school schedule, though.

SunshineCake · 08/02/2020 20:29

Don't go. Your husband needs to put you and your kids first. Why fight for something that doesn't exist Sad.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 20:31

OP, his parents are making it quite obvious they don't love him as much as his sister. It is shameful and disgraceful behaviour by a parent. But your DP really needs to have a serious talk with his parents. He needs them to acknowledge their treatment of him is abusive and absolute shithouse, and if they don't want him and your DC, their own grandchildren in their lives, then at least do the decency of honestly telling you both that. So you can save money on driving there and back and on hotels. Time for him to make a stand, once and for all.

HavenDilemma · 08/02/2020 20:33

Hi cannot believe your DP just said "fine" knowing how angry you are!? Is he normally this controlling? If be straight on the phone to PIL right now to sort it

HavenDilemma · 08/02/2020 20:33

I'd not if

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 20:38

"Hi cannot believe your DP just said "fine" knowing how angry you are!? Is he normally this controlling?"

This comment is ridiculous and shows that you have no idea. He's not controlling FFS. He spent his whole childhood being conditioned to accept the status quo with his parents favouring his sister. This conditioning is very hard to break even into adulthood.

If you have not been in the situation yourself (as the less favoured child, or their partner) it is difficult to understand. Please don't judge him.

My DH managed to be assertive with his parents but it took many years and a lot of courage. It also came at a huge price - lots of abuse, heartbreak and ultimately the relationship broke down.

This is not actually about the OP. It's about her partner and his relationship with his family of origin. That doesn't mean her feelings aren't important. But she needs to have some empathy for the difficult situation he is in. Posts like yours will hinder not help.

Chloemol · 08/02/2020 20:38

I would just go back and say it’s not worthwhile for two days so you are still coming and as you have paid to stay elsewhere previously you assume sil willdo that this time. I would then descend and stay

skipalongnow · 08/02/2020 20:38

Sorry OP, I'm just a bit confused. Who said that you can only go for half the time? Are SIL and BIL dictating who gets to stay at DP and SIL's parents house? Or have PIL decided that you have to cut your time short? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 08/02/2020 20:39

Could you perhaps go at May half term instead? It would be warmer (probably) and take the wind out of sil sails. You could also then make it an annual trip every May half term

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 08/02/2020 20:44

I would say to them that you’re really sorry, but you’re going to have cancel, as it’s too far to travel and you don’t have the financial means to stay in a hotel, like last time. Tell them that you hope they have a wonderful Easter and hopefully you can arrange a mutually suitable time to stay, in the future. Keep it sweet and light and if they have any sense of fairness and decency, they’ll tell their bratty daughter to stay in a hotel.

MovingBriskyOn · 08/02/2020 20:49

I almost put up a semi-joking post saying @caperberries, are you the SIL, but thinking about your post, I'm wondering now. OP, how often do you/your DP communicate with PIL? and how does that compare to SIL?
If they have stuff that needs doing or help or support, who provides it?
How often do you invite them to yours? And how often does SIL?

And, btw, the problem is that your do said it was fine when it isn't

MatildaTheCat · 08/02/2020 20:49

If they ‘own’ Easter why don’t you just go another time? Yes, they are being awful but it sounds as if you’ve lost this one unfortunately.

Stake a claim for May half term or a week in the summer holidays and jokingly make it clear that you won’t be sharing the week with anyone.

My parents live in a nice spot in the West Country and we went loads when the DC were young but never had to get into fights with other family. We just arranged to go at different times and accepted there wasn’t space for more than one family of guests.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:52

Not remotely controlling! He just likes to find ways to compromise with people so there’s no ill feeling.

SIL has just manipulated everyone. She messaged DP this week suggesting they’d go Tues-Sat and “overlap” with us on the Saturday. Promised they’d leave Saturday lunch time.

DP tried to deflect and say he’d speak to me - but we’ve had no time together this week due to conflicting work schedules.

I suspect SIL has this week suggested to PIL that we were ok with this. DP asked PIL today and to be fair to them they did say “are you ok with that?”. DP said it was fine. He should’ve said “not really!” but as I’ve said, he does not want to fall out with his older sister and her DH.

Younger SIL lives about an hour away from PIL and has offered to have us all but they smoke in the house and I can’t really face that - apologies if that sounds rude but with little children I wouldn’t want to risk it - plus they’re an hour away from where we want to be.

OP posts:
Changingchanging123 · 08/02/2020 20:53

How does your DP feel? If he really wants to see his parents I understand why he doesn’t want to rock the boat.

You need to figure out how you deal with it. Send him on his own because the journey is too much for the kids? Send him on his own at a future point? Go, but agree some ground rules for arrangements for the future?

Parents/SIL aren’t going to change so you have to work around it, but as frustrating as that is for you (and it would pee me off a lot) it is his family and harder for him. And that means he has to take the lead. For us the limit is anything that means we (including Kids) all end up too tired to have fun. Cornwall for 48 hours would fall under that and we wouldn’t be going. Spending time with annoying relatives might fall under being a supportive wife.

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