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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 09/02/2020 13:50

Your comment above suggests you might be stirring things in a similar way - why suggest going at Easter if you know she always visits then, and act surprised when she says it’s a problem?

caperberries But circumstances change all the time and OP said further up that Easter was the best time for them this year, so that's why they asked PIL six months ago if they could visit. Clearly by your reckoning they should still miss out seeing the PIL because SIL's arrangement takes precedence. Reading your posts I feel so sorry for your DB – he must feel wretched that you monopolise your parents and don't care that he feels left out.

Cornishclio · 09/02/2020 14:03

I live in Cornwall and over the Easter break the roads are really busy as are everywhere else. Can you not choose to go over another weekend and do 4-5 day break then?

kateandme · 09/02/2020 14:13

so you bowed down and let them win again.this way they will continue.its not to keep the peace.becasue they will now continue to behave in this way.and festering will continue to linger.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 14:20

Yeah, we did. It’s extremely frustrating and not what I wanted at all. Going forward we will do things differently and DP will talk to his parents.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/02/2020 14:21

If we cancel I think they’ll all just think we’re being petty.

You aren't the one cancelling, they are. It sounds like his sibling is the golden child.

1FootInTheRave · 09/02/2020 14:25

Your dp is a wet wipe.

harriethoyle · 09/02/2020 14:41

@caperberries the more you most, the more unpleasant and entitled you sound. Take some time for some self-reflection around your own behaviour. You clearly need it.

harriethoyle · 09/02/2020 14:41

*post

Iloveacurry · 09/02/2020 14:44

Why can’t SIL take a tent?

Iloveacurry · 09/02/2020 14:51

Also just because SIL ‘always’ goes at Easter, although the op said they hadn’t been for the last 3 years, why should it always be the case? Why does she get priority?

Alsohuman · 09/02/2020 14:51

In this situation we’d be the in laws. We really love it when all our kids are here with us together and move heaven and earth to make that happen. We’d never dream of letting one usurp the others. I feel for you OP, Mil should just have said no to them if you can’t all stay at once.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 14:56

caperberries

I’m happy to stay away to allow them to have time alone with my parents

You ALLOW them to have time with their own parents and grandparents? So generous of you.

Greenpolkadot · 09/02/2020 14:59

1footintherave.. Agreed... And so is op.
It's ridiculous that youve given in to the them again.

lunar1 · 09/02/2020 15:06

Aren't you a delight @caperberries! Why do you have the impression you are more important to you parents than your brother?

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/02/2020 15:07

@caperberries, are you the SIL?

Your way sounds like it excludes the rest of the family. When people marry, and families expand, there comes a time when 'traditions' exclude people and flexibility needs to come into play.

FilthyforFirth · 09/02/2020 15:20

I am dying to know which of her own children @caperberries favours? Since it is acceptable behaviour to her.

DH is second best to MIL ahead of his SIL and, yes it extends to our children and yes it is fucking annoying. You have my sympathy OP. I would be direct with PIL. I had a go at my MIL and things have improved. Slightly.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 09/02/2020 15:32

This is me and my sister. She has the exact same attitude as @caperberries. My sister is and always will be, the golden child. It makes my family and I feel 2nd best all the time.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 09/02/2020 15:49

"FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time"

You've already given on to SIL selfish demands. It's totally ok to book Easter /Christmas next year as long as it's ok with your ILs. I'd suggest one or the other and you DH should use this holiday as an example and clearly state you'd rather it was just you. If not cancel.

Caperberries you are a selfish ahole.

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 09/02/2020 15:50

'The price of keeping the peace is a heavy one. Your children will end up paying this too inevitability when their needs/wants fall behind their cousins.'

This is exactly my experience. I was one of the 'unfavoured' grandchildren. It was really subtle stuff but even from the youngest age we picked up on it. We saw how much it hurt our patents but my mum would never say anything to them directly and my dad was a doormat because he wanted their approval and didn't want to cause a rift. The only people it upset were them. Not my grandparents, not my aunts, uncles and cousins. Even in their will they left everything to everyone except my dad even though he was the one who always looked after them, ferried them around to appointments, etc. Within minutes of my last grandparent dying they ransacked the house and took everything. That's what the golden children do. It starts off as favoritism with their parents, next they'll be manipulating them to leave them whatever they want when they die because they are entitled arseholes who think they're owed it.

My point is it doesn't stop here OP. Unless you nip this in the bud your family is going to have to deal with a lifetime of hurt and resentment that's not going to go away. Do something about it now before you regret it and your children pay the price.

TitianaTitsling · 09/02/2020 16:35

The entitlement of caper astounds me! So when caper and ops SIL make plans, it's an arrangement that's just super duper and should be acquiesced to be all, but when her DBs family arranging anything, its sinister sounding to her However SIL has form for wanting to engineer a visit during our 2 set times - almost to prove a point, I suspect.

Smithlets80 · 09/02/2020 16:50

In the first post the OP says that the SIL and her family always visit her parents at Easter. We have a similar situation in that my BIL and his family always visit my DH’s parents in October at their home abroad. We had planned to go last October it made it clear that we would stay in a hotel. It’s not about favouritism but just about what usually happens. Could you go at a different time OP?

SunshineCake · 09/02/2020 16:51

You are sacrificing seeing a friend who likes you, cares for your children and who you have fun with to fit in with selfish people who tantrum and ignore if they don't get their own way.. think about it.

caperberries · 09/02/2020 17:05

People are making a lot of assumptions based on my 2 posts! I’m not going into the details or the complexities of the family dynamics, but I’m amused at the thought of anyone ‘feeling sorry’ for my DB or SIL, who have treated my parents very badly over many years.

billy1966 · 09/02/2020 17:07

Your husband is indeed a wet wipe!

He should have contacted his parents directly and told them that we have already agreed to come and stay.

He should say how disappointed in his parents he is that they have chosen to be so rude and disrespectful of his family and the arrangements that were already in place for this year.

We teach people how to treat us OP.

Your husband needs to man up.
The above does not have to be done in anger. Calmly telling your parents that he would like the original arrangements to stand is very reasonable.

I feel so sorry for women who are married to such weak men.

So unattractive.

Wishing you well OP. You must be so disappointed in him.
💐

PooWillyBumBum · 09/02/2020 17:29

Can’t believe that you’re not cancelling and are making plans so uncomfortable just to pander to precious SIL. I’m sure the area is lovely but time off is meant to be chilled. Why not have a fab staycation in London with lots of museums/art galleries/trips to lovely outdoor spaces and book in another time in the summer to see PILs?

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