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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 08/02/2020 19:59

Your DH needs to be extremely clear to his parents that if they allow this to happen they are sending a clear message to your family that you are only welcome when they don't have their favoured option of his sister and that you should know that your invites could be rescinded at any time. Going for 2 days is not a compromise, they might view it that way but the only one doing any compromising or sacrificing is you. This is not acceptable and if they wish to send the message to your family about how little you are valued you are willing to hear it. Loud and clear.

Haworthia · 08/02/2020 19:59

Well it sounds like favouritism to me. Most parents would make a point of ensuring their children got to stay for Christmas/Easter on a basically equal basis.

Brazi103 · 08/02/2020 20:00

Why are you and dp so desperate to stay. If you've been uninvited before, why are yourll running and begging to stay with them? Have some pride and stand up for yourselves. Tell them how badly you have been treated previously and this just confirms this. And then go on a holiday where you will be at peace.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 20:01

Why waste your holiday?
Book an air b&b somewhere nearby and just pop in, stating you won’t overstay your welcome. 30 minutes job done.

Roundtoedshoes · 08/02/2020 20:02

Just say no, you’ve made plans and you’re sticking to them. Suggest if they insist on coming, they should stay in a hotel as you’ve done before. They can’t physically kick you out if you’re already there.

Sciurus83 · 08/02/2020 20:03

caperberries you recognise your poor behaviour and your advice to OP is that it should be pandered to even when it's clear how hurtful it is to the rest of the family and how selfish it makes you? Maybe take a look at yourself?

SecretMillionaire · 08/02/2020 20:03

I would cancel and wouldn’t make arrangements with them again. If you choose to go to Cornwall do so making your own accommodation arrangements knowing that it won’t be changed on a whim.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:03

Because where they live is absolutely bloody gorgeous and DP’s school friends live there so we love going to see them too. (They don’t have room for us to stay).

That makes it sound like we use them for a free holiday, which I suppose is one of the reasons I feel like we ought to just give in.

PIL have asked us “what do you think to the plan, we’re fine with that if it suits you”. DP has said its “fine” but it’s bloody well not.

OP posts:
HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 20:03

However, please stop the ‘pick us’ dance.
Get some self respect.

WarrenNicole · 08/02/2020 20:04

Yeah, I would be cancelling and not giving any fucks about being thought of as petty.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:04

@Roundtoedshoes they’re going before us!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 20:04

Be very careful.

DH and I had an eerily similar situation. Whenever we tried to visit his parents, his sister would insist on visiting too (with her DH and DC). She also visited them regularly without us, which we had no problem with. We just wanted one visit to ourselves but SIL insisted that she was coming at the same time. DH tried to talk to his parents but they refused to say no to her. When we changed our plans slightly (we still visited PILs but for a shorter time, we decided to visit nearby friends for a couple of days so we wouldn't overlap with SIL too much) all the in-laws thought we were completely unreasonably and resented us massively for it.
SIL is the golden, favoured child and always gets her own way. Meanwhile, DH and I got the blame for trying to make plans to suit us.
Sadly the relationship completely broke down in the end Sad

I really hope it all works out differently for you but please be careful and maybe read Toxic Parents / Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, don't be put off by the word "toxic" as the books are helpful for making sense of parental/PIL relationships that just feel a bit "off" and difficult.

Longwhiskers14 · 08/02/2020 20:05

Your DP said it's fine?! No wonder his sister treats him like a doormat when he acts like one!

TitianaTitsling · 08/02/2020 20:07

caperberries do you feel guilty enough to change your behaviour hearing how it feels from the other side? I think it's a bit sad your mother talks about your db and SIL with you in a negative way.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 20:07

Why don’t you refuse to go?
DH can take the children but you don’t want to be around his sister.
What would he do?

LonginesPrime · 08/02/2020 20:08

Gosh, it sounds so exhausting, OP.

It's up to the parents who they have in their house - if they're uninviting you to most of the week (whether at SIL's request or otherwise) and you don't want to go with their revised schedule (and I don't blame you, given the long journey), I would just say 'no thanks' and book something else for DC to look forward to.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:08

He just doesn’t want to fall out with them over it. He’s less annoyed about it than me now - though when SIL sent her initial message he was really firm with her. This was on a group email. SIL subsequently sent him an insulting message accusing him of causing problems with her and her DH.

I suspect SIL had told v highly strung BIL that it was all booked and when she realised she hadn’t “booked” was annoyed as it all revealed she’d failed to communicate with her parents.

OP posts:
Roundtoedshoes · 08/02/2020 20:11

Oh bugger. I feel for you then. What a shame, they sound selfish and awful. I’d write back to all, including PILs and explain how disappointed you are, and you cannot afford a hotel this time and just won’t come (mentioning how sad the kids will be). It’s crap for you, but people like that never change and it’s not worth giving them any satisfaction.

Other than that, DP could speak to them and put his foot down?

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:13

Also - I ought to have said thank you all so much for the replies. I’ve been seething about it and then worried that I’m just being over the top. It’s quite reassuring to hear that you mainly think I’m not being unreasonable.

I think I’m going to have to grin and bear it; I might see if one of our local friends has something they urgently need my help with on the day we arrive. DP can spend the day with awful BIL and SIL and I can keep out of the way.

OP posts:
Kastanien · 08/02/2020 20:15

I'm feeling a bit guilty reading this because I'm v much like the SIL you describe in my own family, I visit more often & do get preferential treatment over my DB & his wife,

So have you never considered how shit that must make your brother feel?

LisBethSalander07 · 08/02/2020 20:15

It's not your SIL's decison, you ignore all contact and just talk to your PIL's. You tell them when you're arriving, when you're leaving, and do they want you to bring anything.

Let them deal with SIL. You're giving her way too much leeway here.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 08/02/2020 20:16

I think I’d tell a local friend all the details and could pretty much guarantee they’ll find something to need help with!

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 20:16

@Roundtoedshoes SIL said “our children will be distraught not to be able to go! BIL is desperately trying to work out what we can do instead”.

DP did say that our young children would also be disappointed but SIL/BIL didn’t reply.

This was a tipping point in my rage. Their kids are teenagers and they’re millionaires. They could afford to BUY the local hotel, not just a family room for a bank holiday weekend.

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 08/02/2020 20:16

I would personally cancel, direct to PILs, obviously, over the phone. Make up a reason; change of work plans or whatever. At the same time re-arrange to visit for a full week over one of the May bank holidays. This:

  • takes the wind out of SIL sails;
  • gives you the moral high ground as you haven’t been petty
  • gives you a whole week to enjoy a holiday, free of any interference by SiL
  • gives you plenty of time to bond with PiLs, and explore what is driving their apparent favouritism etc, whilst going on a charm offensive with them

Done.

itsgettingweird · 08/02/2020 20:18

I'm your DP in this situation.

Don't be too hard on him. When you know you are most very obviously the least favourite you take what you can get - it's a way of feeling less shit about it. Because at least you're getting 'something'