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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 09/02/2020 01:13

If his sister always goes at Easter , why didn’t you go at whit? It would probably be warmer

SD1978 · 09/02/2020 01:13

The simple answer is no. Die to the length of the journey, and the fact you haven't been able to visit for years due to SIL and BIL. If your in-laws are not willing to back you up, and have you stay as planned, then sorry, if cancel. Since you have the time off, would you be able to afford to go somewhere else with the kids? I would also make it very plain, that your partner (he should be writing the email, making the call) is very disappointed and upset to be a lower priority than his sister, repeatedly, and especially on this occasion as you had checked first of this was suitable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2020 05:27

My feeling would be so what if they would feel uncomfortable if you talk to them about the situation. Someone has to feel uncomfortable / aggrieved. Why is it always you and your dh?

My mother pulled shit like this on me. But this was visiting us. She couldn’t make it more obvious which child she favours (not me). Do be careful to monitor the favouritism going down the line to the sets of grandkids. It happened with my mother targeting dd, which resulted in a period of nc until she learnt how she is expected to behave to an innocent little girl.

YouJustDoYou · 09/02/2020 06:07

We have this with PILs too. They used to passive aggressively complain about how we never saw them/never invited them down- so we would ask frequently "are you free such and such a weekend? Can we come and see you?" And it was constantly "we can't, we're babysitting" (BILs kids). After a year or so of asking them we just gave up really.

dayslikethese1 · 09/02/2020 06:39

I wouldn't stay with ppl who are that flaky. Sounds infuriating. And going to Cornwall for 2 days is madness.

Juliette20 · 09/02/2020 06:43

Never mind passive aggressive email replies, it's time your DH read the riot act to his sister and told her to fuck off encroaching on your precious holidays.

Wobba11 · 09/02/2020 06:52

But you said they ALWAYS go at Easter? From their point of view, you've booked to visit at a time you knew they'd be there!

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 08:50

We don’t have a time we “always” go, in fact we’ve hardly been at all since the Christmas incident - I’ve had a horrible, horrible year work wise and an early miscarriage.

I’m not sure they ought to be able to have a time they “always go”. We’ve been at Easter before, once just popping in for the day and staying elsewhere.

Anyway, to keep the peace we are going and taking the Tuesday off, so we still get four days, but won’t be able to see a particular friend we’d planned to see on the Friday.

I’ve tried to find a B&B to stay on the Friday night but it’s crazily expensive and very few places are available just for one night.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 08:56

It seems pointless to go just for 4 days. Why can't you go at may half term instead?

Realistically there was no way SIL was going to stop going at Easter if she's been going every year and if she didn't agree (wasn't even asked) to start sharing it.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 08:59

But SIL hasn’t ‘booked’ so PIL agreed to OP going. It’s only just come to light SIL forgot and OPs family have been ousted.

What they always do is irrelevant.

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 08:59

It's completely relevant to her sense of entitlement that goes unchallenged by the parents.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2020 09:04

He hates it when I’m critical of his BIL and his sister.

Well, tough really.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 09:11

May is no go - I am working that weekend.

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 09/02/2020 09:34

We had this dynamic with DH and his DB. DB family always a priority as were there DC, they were used to going to the PIL house over certain holidays that it just became set in stone and never budged for us. My DC started being affected by there behaviour as when we were altogether the dynamic played out amongst them and that's when my DH finally stepped up. He saw his DS being treated badly by his own father and he went LC and then they had a big bust up and didn't talk for a year. Interestingly even then they blamed me as I must have caused it .... never them.

Celeriacacaca · 09/02/2020 09:38

You have my sympathy. We arrived at PIL one time on Christmas Eve after a long drive to find SIL already there with her DCs. She'd put them to bed in "our" beds and, as it was so late, the only option was for us to sleep on the floor. I was livid. DH spoke to his parents, to at least rearrange the sleeping arrangements ie put kids (both under 5) elsewhere but they didn't want to get "involved" so we left the next day and drove home. She's the golden child...

RandomMess · 09/02/2020 09:48

How far in advance to you have your work rota?

I think you need to find full weeks that work for you/DH/DC and email the PIL now and just be its too far for 4 days. The only weeks it works for us to come for the next year are x y z. If you can't host us then please let us know so we can make other arrangements for the DC to get a proper holiday.

I had a jealous pandered too SIL like this she hardly bothers with PIL since she remarried and by that time they have burnt their bridges with DH. It's sad but far less painful not having your nose rubbed in it all
the time.

SecretMillionaire · 09/02/2020 09:58

The new arrangement only reinforces that what your SIL wants she gets. It isn’t convenient to you as you want to be there on Friday.

The price of keeping the peace is a heavy one. Your children will end up paying this too inevitability when their needs/wants fall behind their cousins.

Whynosnowyet · 09/02/2020 10:19

Not sure I could go and not want to slap the smug face of sil...

billy1966 · 09/02/2020 10:20

The problem with your husband OP is, that his need to keep the peace with his family puts his needs ahead of his family.

I would have a major problem with that.

He is prepared for your children to do a 5 hour journey for 2 days. Too much IMO.

I would be spelling it out to him that he may be happy for his children to be disregarded, but I am not.

He needs to stick up for his children, even if he is too weak to do it for himself.

He needs to go back to his parents and sister and say "No, we are sticking to our original plan. It is not fair on my children to have to do that journey for 2 days. End of".

That is of course if he cares for your children.

Perhaps he is indeed just focused on what works for him.

Either way, your children need at least 1 parent who consider what is best for them.

ASimpleLampoon · 09/02/2020 11:21

I wouldn't bother. Let DH go with the DC and have a proper break to yourself.

Drum2018 · 09/02/2020 11:32

Anyway, to keep the peace we are going and taking the Tuesday off,

Oh well that's great then. Dh and you bow down to SILs demands and she continues to rule the roost, controlling you both, as well as your PIL. Don't expect things to ever change while you all continue to pander to her.

Evilspiritgin · 09/02/2020 12:30

If the sil has been going at Easter for the last 10 years or such I can see why she would think it’s her time to go. Maybe sil can only go then herself!!

If my sister came to see my parents at the same time every year, I’m sure I’d think of going at another time

If you are working the weekend of whit , why don’t you travel the Monday you’ve had at least till the following Sunday to visit friends pils

caperberries · 09/02/2020 13:21

If SIL has a long-standing arrangement to visit every Easter, how exactly is she ‘gate-crashing’?

I’m not sure they ought to be able to have a time they “always go”. We’ve been at Easter before, once just popping in for the day and staying elsewhere.

SIL has every right to have a time she ‘always visits’ her own parents, assuming they are happy with the arrangement.

As said upthread, I’m in a similar situation to the SIL in this scenario - my dc are older than my DB’s and we also have a couple of set times when we visit every year (not Christmas btw).

If DB & SIL visit at other times, I’m happy to stay away to allow them to have time alone with my parents. However SIL has form for wanting to engineer a visit during our 2 set times - almost to prove a point, I suspect.

Your comment above suggests you might be stirring things in a similar way - why suggest going at Easter if you know she always visits then, and act surprised when she says it’s a problem?

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 13:27

DP asked if we could go at Easter. FIL said yes - said they’d love us to come.

When MIL sent email about it to all three of her children and their partners, SIL said she had already asked to go - and suggested we took our tent.

MIL said she didn’t remember them asking but replied all to say we could all “sort something out”.

So it’s gatecrashing, in our view, because DP asked first and was told yes, it was confirmed that we were going and they were looking forward to seeing us.

MIL then asked if SIL and BIL wanted to go at any half terms or other bank holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 13:30

And we aren’t trying to prove a point: we just asked if we could visit them then and they said yes! MIL even commented that she wanted to see our children over Easter to DP.

BIL and SIL don’t always go at Easter; they’ve been for the last three years.

OP posts: