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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 08/02/2020 21:05

Why can't they split it more fairly? They do tues, weds Thursday and leave Friday.

You do Friday Saturday Sunday and leave Monday.

My parents are also like this. Ask if I'm ok with it knowing I'll just agree as I've learnt it's easier. Then they don't have to be the bad guys.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 21:06

He’s fed up but really keen to go - loves the area he grew up in, wants to see friends and his family. I think he thinks I’m overly wound up by it. He thinks it’s a decent compromise if we leave early / late - and take Tuesday off work.

You’re right that I probably just need to be supportive of it all. He hates it when I’m critical of his BIL and his sister.

When a cousin of theirs got married locally, we were told we had to stay with other SIL so older SIL and BIL (and teenage children) could stay with PIL. We ended up booking a hotel. Our oldest was only tiny - we didn’t want to stay that far away or with a smoker with our newborn.

One Christmas a similar thing happened - DP and his family all arranged for Christmas together with PIL. We agreed to go, so my parents booked to go to our family in Scotland. PIL then changed their minds about hosting us all - so we ended up cancelling. We ended up having Christmas at home alone; my parents had already booked flights to Scotland. We could’ve gone with them, or all gone to my parents.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 08/02/2020 21:10

SIL is favoured in DH family too. And her DC over ours. I sympathise. It's very hurtful.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 21:11

"He hates it when I’m critical of his BIL and his sister."

As I said, he has been conditioned never to dare criticise them. SIL is the golden child.

I think you should just stop visiting tbh. Or just do very impromptu visits when you know SIL isn't going to be there. Do not go at "prime" times like Christmas, Easter, family weddings. As you have seen, that's when SIL wants to go and what SIL wants, SIL gets.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/02/2020 21:13

BIL should take his highly-strung arse off to a nice hotel. I feel sorry for the parents here but pandering to the highly-strung buggers is a quick way to being trampled all over.

Why on earth did your MIL send that email? That sounds to see like she prefers your SIL.

Changingchanging123 · 08/02/2020 21:18

Definitely sounds that the dynamic is set. PIL think they can change plans last minute and it doesn't matter. SIL thinks that her wishes just override everyone else's. If your DH wants to be in that dynamic that is his choice, but you and your children don't have to. I would probably just let him go on his own this time, not agree to any trips that involve you/kids that you don't mind cancelling. You and kids can have a fun few days maybe with your parents? Wave him off with a smile, be supportive of his family time and don't get dragged in. Or would he take the kids on his own as an alternative? And care less about what In laws think of you, your families happiness and safety is more important.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 21:22

It seems then that you have a DP problem if he won't stand up for himself. And before any other poster starts, yes, I understand he has been 'conditioned' into accepting it. Because he hasn't made a stand before, so it's much harder to do so now. However, I say you have a DP problem now, because he is now with you and has 2 children. PILs grandchildren! I think he should be fighting his grandchildren to know their grandparents. It would be different if you weren't in the picture or at least if the DC weren't in the picture. But the DC are in the picture. Not only are your own DC forced out of seeing their grandparents, but they see their dad being disrespected, and learn that's normal and he just accepts it. So I think now more than ever, with your DC/their grandchildren in the picture, that he really, really needs to take a stand. He is allowing himself to be disrespected and his own children to be disrespected, by their aunt and by their grandparents.

He should take a stand for his children, if he doesn't want to do it for himself.

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 08/02/2020 21:24

Can I make a suggestion? Speak to the in laws yourself. You're part of the family too and you have a voice. Use it.

We had this type of crap from my PIL, BIL and his wife until I put my foot down. I grew up with a family of selfish twats and from a young age learned to take no notice. It could only upset me if I let it. I think I've also been less tolerant of twattish behaviour since having children! Anyway, it was the best thing I could have done in the situation. Honestly, if you don't you are always going to let these incidents eat away at you and it really isn't healthy!

Call the PIL yourself tomorrow and explain what the issue is. Don't let them treat you like this, you don't deserve it.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 21:31

I’ve been toying with that all week, but their family are so closed up. They never, ever, ever talk in that way. PIL would be so uncomfortable if I called and expressed a view.

OP posts:
IdleLiz · 08/02/2020 21:35

After your last update the whole family sound flakey.

I'd rather sleep in a tent in my own backyard than beg for scraps.

Leave them to it.

Talkingmouse · 08/02/2020 21:37

How is the family dynamic with sil2? That Christmas where you ended up cancelling, what did sil2 do for example? What is the relationship between sil1 and sil2? Between sil1, sil2 and pil?

But you need to disengage with sil1 and communicate directly with pil. And never compromise with hotels, 2 day visits etc.

Whynosnowyet · 08/02/2020 21:43

The reality is they don't care if you visit or not.
So don't.
Or go and feel the utter lower rate family members.

AnotherEmma · 08/02/2020 21:50

You should only call PILs yourself if your partner agrees that you should do it, and if he will back you up. You should also be prepared to be blamed and scapegoated for causing problems and all sorts.

Headaches
I agree with you that DP should stand up to them for his children's sake if not his own. It was when I got pregnant with our first DC that DH started being more assertive with his parents, and after DC was born that he really stood up to them.
However, it's really difficult to do and he might not be willing to do it. In that case, as the mumsnet phrase goes, it's a DP problem not (just) an in-law problem.

magoria · 08/02/2020 22:16

I would tell him to go on his own. 5 hours there the kids aren't going to have fun. 5 hours back they are going to be shattered. For 2 days? Not worth it.

Also what if SIL decides to stay longer?

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 08/02/2020 22:25

'I’ve been toying with that all week, but their family are so closed up. They never, ever, ever talk in that way. PIL would be so uncomfortable if I called and expressed a view.'

Mine were the same but it's actually helped us all open up a dialogue that we never had before.

To be honest short of your DH actually being honest and sticking up for you all - because it's not just him it's affecting, he's letting them treat your whole family like this - your only other options are to step in yourself, suck it up and put up with this treatment forevermore or go NC which is what will eventually happen in such an unhealthy relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

ILearnedItFromABook · 08/02/2020 22:48

Ugh! I appreciate you don't want to upset your partner, but this would infuriate me. (I'm angry enough on your behalf; if this was my own life, I'd be spitting nails.)

If SIL's family stay there every Easter, I suppose it's not so surprising that she assumed this year would be no different, but she does seem extremely entitled and bossy and a total bitch, tbh.

I wouldn't give a crap if they thought I was being petty, after the way they've behaved; I'd be sorely tempted to cancel the whole thing and arrange to visit another time instead. And I'd damn well make a point of it that the PIL knew that we were coming (this next time) to stay from X to Y date, no changes, please!

Brefugee · 08/02/2020 22:57

PIL would be so uncomfortable if I called and expressed a view.

Do you care? tbh I wouldn't go to cornwall for that amount of time. And at this stage I wouldn't give a flying monkey's if I upset my PIL or not. Your DH knows you're not happy. So why can't the rest know?

I have given up with my unreasonable ILs and only see the ones I like. Apparently the ones I don't like think I'm rude - I don't care. In your position? I'd send DH off with the DCs and have my own fun alone over Easter.

Drum2018 · 08/02/2020 23:57

If you can't face talking to the inlaws then just email them explaining that it's too long a drive for a couple of days, so you will give it a miss until such a time as it suits them to have you for a few days at least. Tell them it's a shame that the pre planned trip for Easter can't now take place seeing as sil and her family have decided that they are going instead.

However, if dh insists that he still wants to go wave him and the kids off and organise to do something else for yourself.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 00:12

caperberries

Are you my SIL? She pulls this crap as well.

There loss really. I won’t stand for my kids being treated like second best. ALL the time.

GreenTulips · 09/02/2020 00:13

caper berries

Here’s another question. Which or your own kids do you favour? Have you decided already?

Cherrysoup · 09/02/2020 00:32

I understand your DH has been conditioned to be 2nd best all his life, OP, but fuck me, he’s now allowing his controlling sister to dictate YOUR holiday, that you’d agreed with the PIL? Do you see how shit that is? I’m afraid I’d be a petty cow and say I’m not going at all. The PIL are shocking too.

Smelborp · 09/02/2020 00:50

If the PIL asked ‘if you’re OK with this’ it’s a great opportunity to say no. Or at the very least, ‘it’s OK, but disappointing as we’d planned based on what we discussed and the DC were so looking forward to time with you’.

katewhinesalot · 09/02/2020 00:59

Well you can't really complain as you said "fine"
So that's that really.

Evilspiritgin · 09/02/2020 01:05

Why don’t you go to your parents for Easter then? Or do they not live somewhere as nice as Cornwall?

Dandelion1993 · 09/02/2020 01:10

I can't get over how rude you SIL has been.

What a waste of two days that would be.

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