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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing

197 replies

Easterbunnyboiler20 · 08/02/2020 19:31

DP’s family live in a lovely area of Cornwall. Every year his sister and BIL go to visit his parents and take their teenage children at Easter, we’ve been once or twice and we’ve only had Christmas with DP’s parents once.

We’ve been uninvited from family gatherings previously when SIL and BIL have all been invited to stay, and despite us having far less money, once or twice we’ve stayed in hotels nearby with our DS, 3 and DD, 7.

DP asked his DF at Christmas if we could visit them for Easter; neither of us have much holiday due to childcare. They said yes, they would love to have us; his DF and younger sister mentioned how we’d not stayed for a while for ages and hadn’t been at Easter for years. Our DC are wildly excited.

FIL sent an email recently to all confirming we were visiting at Easter and did any of the other family want to come another time.

Older SIL has been really rude in response and says her family - who spent Christmas with MIL and FIL - had booked to go there at Easter six months ago. SIL and BIL said their kids would be absolutely devastated not to go, it ruined all their holiday plans etc etc. They have multiple holidays every year, to v v pricey destinations.

DP stood ground and said we’d asked to go ages ago, asked SIL why she thought it was ok to be rude via email, and said that our DC would also be really upset not to go. They’re only little, there’s absolutely loads for them to do in the area - we will drive from London so obviously want to go for a decent length of time as journey is so long.

SIL and BIL went quiet. But today they have messaged to say they’re still going, and that we can go but only for half the time we’d planned. MIL has asked if we’re ok with that, but we’re not. There’s kind of no point going for two days. AIBU just to cancel? Does it just look petty? I’ve kept out of it but I’m fed up now - we’ve had a really difficult time lately and really wanted a break!

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/02/2020 17:46

I wouldnt go ....neither would my children. The PILs are hardly bending over backwards to see you are they? If it were my parents they would say no sorry we have no room xxxx are coming you will have to come another time....your inlaws are not saying this...they are saying come if you must but only for a few days as you are less important to us than other members of the family....Madness to go ...travel all that way ,spend all that money and be dictated to ....Just do yourself a favour and cancel the whole thing,,how could you go knowing your family are second best,Personal dignity and respect wouldn;t allow me to go.

MaybeNew · 09/02/2020 17:55

Similar family dynamic here but one I eventually challenged. After a particularly awful bit of favouritism on my DM’s part, I changed my mobile and did not pick up the landline. It took 6 months but I got an apology and the behaviour is better than before. It is bloody tough coming to terms with the fact that you are not loved as much.

monkeymonkey2010 · 09/02/2020 17:56

PIL would be so uncomfortable if I called and expressed a view
You actually want to be around people like that? Sounds like you're going to have a great holiday then Hmm

Anyway, to keep the peace we are going and taking the Tuesday off, so we still get four days, but won’t be able to see a particular friend we’d planned to see on the Friday
Well that's a fantastic start to YOUR holiday - you don't get to see your friend, IL's get to enjoy their dysfunctional dynamic, whilst you 'choose' to bite your lip and stand there and take the entitled crap thrown at you......which part of this holiday are you going to actually enjoy?

Your DH can't have a straight forward, open conversation with his parents about not allowing his siblings to gatecrash this holiday.
PIL don't invite you, they don't bother with you/dc, they've obviously favoured the others over your DH and now they play innocent.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 09/02/2020 18:12

If they go for Easter every year, it does seem a bit like you’ve chosen the same time to be awkward or difficult. Or to prove a point. If you don’t usually get to go away, and they have many other holidays during the year, there must have been other times you could go? Summer for example? It seems like you’re testing the PIL.

Original poster
Easterbunnyboiler20 · 09/02/2020 18:41

The summer is really tricky work wise and we use our annual leave separately to cover the holidays. The Easter bank holiday and the August bank holiday is one of the few times of the year me, DP and our children are all off together.

PIL fully aware of this. BIL and SIL won’t have registered this despite us having mentioned it.

DP isn’t wet, he’s just really laid back and dislikes confrontation. He doesn’t want to alienate his family.

As for being a woman who would hate to be with a soft, considerate and thoughtful man - that’s sad. For me it’s one of the reasons I love him.

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 09/02/2020 19:53

Then cancel easter. Tell pil why direct. Pen in a week in Cornwall over August bank holiday, alone. Go elsewhere over easter. Avoid SiL and stop communicating through her.

SecretMillionaire · 09/02/2020 20:12

Your DP doesn’t want to alienate his family but that’s exactly what they are doing to youHmm

RandomMess · 09/02/2020 20:46

I guess I would just family email "the only leave of a week we am being the DC to Cornwall is Easter x to y and August a to b" which one of these can we come and stay this year and next year so you can spend some time with us and DC?

Notverygrownup · 09/02/2020 21:06

OP there is a three bed room here for the Friday night with single beds available for your dh www.yha.org.uk/hostel/yha-portreath Works out at £82 for the 4 for the night if that is affordable . . . Could be an extra adventure for the kids.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 09/02/2020 21:45

soft, considerate and thoughtful man

Is he being 'considerate' and 'thoughtful' for his children? No. He is not standing up for them to have a good fair relationship with their grandparents. So, he allows his sister to alienate his children from their grandparents. And because he wants a 'quiet life' and 'no confrontation' means he won't stand up for himself and won't stand up for his children. Yes I think it's sad to be with someone who doesn't have the guts to fight for their children's rights to a fair and equitable grandparent-grandchild relationship. There is a difference between being considerate and thoughtful - assertive; and cowardly taking the easy way out to suit yourself - submissive.

Family holiday - DP’s family gatecrashing
HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 09/02/2020 22:08

Then I don't understand what you're doing on here OP. You've had so many responses giving you thoughtful, considered advice and the benefit of others' experiences and you're choosing to disregard it. That's fine but then why ask for it in the first place? Save us all some time and bother next time please.

@billy1966 summed it up brilliantly: 'We teach people how to treat us OP.' Wise words!

WantToBeMum · 09/02/2020 22:27

This could easily be my family. One sibling being demanding and controlling. Parents trying to agree to everything - so desperate to avoid any conflict or upset anyone. And so demanding sibling always getting their way.
Sounds as though you're stuck with the arrangements this time. But while you're there, why not have a conversation with the parents and tell them you'd really like to stay for longer another time and spend some quality time alone with them. Bagsy a Christmas stay in advance?!

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 22:30

As the events to date have shown, it's just not possible for the OP and her DP to "bagsy" anything in advance. The SIL can decide at any point that she also wants to visit and the PILs won't say no. Which means there is no guarantee of any visit that won't be gatecrashed by SIL.

Blackbear19 · 09/02/2020 22:49

I think he should be fighting his grandchildren to know their grandparents. grandchildren to know their grandparents.

Sorry but I don't get the logic of this. Why bother, if DGP want to put other DGC first why should Op or DH other fighting it?

DGP have at least 2 sets of GC they need to be putting in effort for all of them. Or they miss out.

The GC won't miss what they never had.

Op I'd cancel, sod driving 5hrs for 2 days. Could you go somewhere else on the south coast and get friends to meet you?

RhubarbFizz · 09/02/2020 22:58

Book next Easter and ensure that you can have all the days you want without other family members there!

Qwerty543 · 09/02/2020 23:16

I would refuse to go. Send your DP with the kids. If no one makes a point or says anything, SIL will pull this shit all the time because she knows she always gets her way. People like this always do because of wet 'keeo the peace' people.

DingDongDenny · 09/02/2020 23:42

So the SIL is going Tuesday to Sat and was allotting you Sat to Mon - which you have to extend by taking Tuesday off.

Hardly an even split is it

At the very least she should go Tues - Fri and you Fri to Mon/Tues. That way you could see your friends on Friday

Personally, I would have said no to sharing the visit, but at least that's SIL having to making some small compromise

FaveNumberIs2 · 10/02/2020 18:28

You have to do what’s right for you. There’s no point going away to be stressed out or in a place where you will feel on edge.
If it were me, I’d seriously cancel the trip or book into a hotel and meet the PILs while out and about.

If sil and bil love to muscle in, leave them to it.

(I’d also go NC but that’s because I just like to get on with myself and sod anyone else)

FelicisNox · 10/02/2020 18:29

What your DH needs to do is stop emailing and call his parents.

He needs to point out that the balance is unfairly tipped in his siblings favour, that they have multiple holidays with them per year, not forgetting their other holidays and why are they (DP) encouraging this selfish behaviour. Clearly it wasn't organised for them to go at Easter as FIL would have remembered that.

I haven't read the thread but I'm wondering if there is another reason other than selfishness as to why DH siblings are so awful?

At the end of the day this will all have a negative effect on your DH and DC relationship with your PIL in the future.

It's up to him what he does about it. But it's clear it's time he put his foot down and stopped being dictated to.

Pogo87 · 10/02/2020 18:31

Firstly I think your DH is nuts. The more he avoids confrontation the worse it will get. Plus your children will grow up thinking they are nit as important as their cousins to grandparents and that's not fair.

I have been in this situation before with DHs family only to be gaur it was mother in law choosing her DS2 over DS1. I put a stop to it.

Christmas she asked DS1 and me and our DD 3 years to come down. 5 days in total. DH advised her that we have digs and couldn't put in kennels as it was so close. She said that was fine. 4 days later and 2 days before due to go she said she couldn't have dogs in house due to BIL, partner and DD 1 year old being in the house. Just for clarity the dogs are either out on walks or in garage. Never in garage. I asked why due to it being a 5 bed house. DP spoke with MIL but she was insistent saying ask my parents to look after dogs otherwise no go.

End result I had 4 days at home and went down Xmas Eve... Arrived 8pm. Left 8am boxing day.

I sent a shitty email to MIL saying that we will never go down at Christmas again. She has fucked us about too many times. Once she cancelled on us on Xmas Eve in favour of driving further away to BIL. She said he begged her. He said she phoned up and demanded and he had no idea of the arrangements.

Now every planning is done by email and she knows not to piss me around again.

She would have kept doing it if I hadn't. Same with your SIL. Your DH is setting a president which is unfair to you and your children.

They are all guilty for enabling her... DON'T do the same OP. HUGS

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/02/2020 18:55

It’s too far to travel for a long weekend - is cancel and buy FIL a calendar for such bookings.

MadamShazam · 10/02/2020 19:01

Honestly, I would stay for the full week, and when SIL rocks up, tell her she will have ti stay in a hotel as you are not leaving. Yes, it will rock the boat, but personally, I really don't think I couls allow her to get her own way yet again. The entitled cow.

starfishmummy · 10/02/2020 19:01

Personally I'd go and make the most of it and be super sweet to sil without the least hint that the change of plans has angered you. As she has ckearly done this to be spiteful then its probably going to annoy her

AllPointsNorth · 10/02/2020 19:09

I’d focus on building a close relationship with your parents and being with them until DP’s parents understand that they are missing out on their grandchildren because of the mess they are making of organising time with family.

Localocal · 10/02/2020 19:14

I think DP should ask his father to stick to the original plan as you have made your plans based on his go ahead. The children are excited to see their grandparents and there are so many wonderful things to do that it seems silly to drive so far with young children and then leave after two days. And you can't afford to stay in a hotel (again.) DP should gently ask his parents to put their foot down and ask the sister to come another time. Easter holidays are two weeks - there should still be scope for her to have a week too. She is being awful, but it's for the ILs to lay down the law, not for your DP and his sister to battle it out and create had feelings.