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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

220 replies

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:32

Yes, it's a wedding one Grin

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 08/02/2020 18:39

YANBU. Just keep repeating, sorry the kids aren't invited, shame you can't come. And be secretly very relieved Smile.

peachgreen · 08/02/2020 18:41

Child free weddings are a bit of a pain in the arse for those of us without family childcare nearby BUT it's very rude to invite your children when it's clear they're not invited! So he's definitely being a CF.

firstimemamma · 08/02/2020 18:41

Yanbu, assert yourself politely until they get the message for the reasons you've given.

peachgreen · 08/02/2020 18:42

Also just to clarify, when I say a pain in the arse I mean logistically, not morally or anything - I'm all for people having the wedding they want!

NotSusanna · 08/02/2020 18:42

Don't change your no kids rule. You've made that decision for a good reason. Yes you would have to change the rule for others too, otherwise it would cause bad feeling. Stick to your guns on this one.

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 18:42

You have every right to have a child free wedding.
People have every right not to attend because of it.

Stick to your plans-if they dont want to come, they dont have to.

74NewStreet · 08/02/2020 18:44

Anyone “kicking off” about the terms of a wedding invitation would be swiftly uninvited by me. I appreciate this might be considered a bit drastic by some... Grin
How bloody rude do you have to be to not accept being told no?

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:47

peachgreen I do get that, honestly, and we did think long and hard about it and consult with close friends and family before making the decision to be child-free. In the end we wrote two guest lists - one with kids and one without, and the 'with kids' one was just insane.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 18:50

Not unreasonable at all - we did exactly the same for our wedding. Stick to your guns and if the guests who are kicking off can't come, replace them with guests who are not being arses!

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:51

DP is feeling really shit about it and worried his friend won't come.

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 18:51

YANBU. We are also having a child free wedding this year.

I've had this twice from a distant family member (who I wasn't fussed about inviting in the first place but DM insisted), and an ex-colleague of DP.

We've repeated that no, we are not able to invite them, and we understand if they are therefore unable to attend.

Tbh I'm happy for people to not attend if they're going to make a fuss.

DonnaDarko · 08/02/2020 18:52

Stick to your guns. My partner is going to a wedding later in the year where the budget is so tight, he's the only one invited!

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 18:54

DP is feeling really shit about it and worried his friend won't come

Unfortunately, not everyone has family to babysit - I never had anyone at all (no family) so probably wouldnt have gone to a childfree wedding because I didnt feel comfortable leaving my kids when little with a stranger. I'm afraid thats one of the consequences of a kid free wedding really.

Soontobe60 · 08/02/2020 18:55

His friend is being really shitty in keeping on asking! It's his choice whether he decides to turn up or not. Tell your dp to stop worrying about it, if his friend is a true friend he'd understand and accept it.

stormciarathegale · 08/02/2020 18:55

Then his friend doesn't come. He needs to grow a pair! Cheeky AF to keep texting and pressuring when they've been told NO. Just one text, 'Sorry, but the wedding is childfree. No exceptions to this. We understand if you are unable to attend but we are unable to extend invitations to children.' His friend's gotta real front to do this to him.

Berthatydfil · 08/02/2020 18:55

They are being really rude and CFs.

If an invite arrives and you are unable to attend (for whatever reason) the polite and correct response is to rsvp and decline - or accept for just the close friend and decline for his dp.

Your dp should deal with this as it’s his friend and his response should be - we cannot make exceptions, you’re welcome to come without your DP or sadly we will have to assume you will be unable to come. Please let me know by X date.

emilybrontescorsett · 08/02/2020 18:57

Yanbu. Stick to your guns.

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:58

I could understand a bit more if they were close to us - but I've never even met the friend, the wife or the kids.

My own nephews aren't even coming...I felt a bit worried about telling DBro that we were child free but his response was great, we don't have to run around after them all night Grin

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 18:59

Tbh if someone I was very close to and really wanted to come had this issue I would offer to pay for their babysitter, or for them to stay in a hotel with a babysitting service.

Is this an option OP?

But I would not back down and let the children come. That will mean pissing off all of the other people who couldn't bring their children.

Luxplus · 08/02/2020 18:59

Your wedding your decision. Its not mandatory to attend a wedding. I'd just keep repeating that you have choosing a child free wedding and hope to see them another time

Lifeasweknow · 08/02/2020 19:00

Absolutely do not cave. It's your day and you have the right to say who you do and don't want at your wedding. Either they come without kids or don't come at all. It's not your place to feel guilty.

I bloody love a child free wedding and an excuse to rope in babysitters for the night.

katy1213 · 08/02/2020 19:01

Ruse, cheeky and presumptuous. Tell the friend he is welcome to come on his own. Or not.

74NewStreet · 08/02/2020 19:02

Why the hell can’t he just come on his own? His wife and kids don’t even know you? What the bloody hell is wrong with him...

Defaultuser · 08/02/2020 19:03

YANBU. If we were invited to a child-free wedding and had no childcare only one of us (the one closest to the bride and groom) would go. And we would have a great time and not think twice about it!

Yeahnah2020 · 08/02/2020 19:04

Stuff the friend! That is so rude they are trying to dictate the terms of your wedding. I’d text back “Look this is getting awkward. We have said no kids. Please respect our choice for our wedding. We’d love to see you there but understand if you can’t make it work.”