To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

[SoftSetPlum]

Yes, it's a wedding one

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

YANBU - friends of ours in a similar situation are marrying this year and although invitations are yet to be sent we know it’s a very small wedding and I do not expect our children to be invited - much as children often enjoy weddings, the additional cost can be bonkers.

Have your lovely wedding OP, if your friend can’t find it in him to realise his childcare is his responsibility rather than your DH’s then he’s not much of a loss really [shrug]

Depends on how close the children are I think. If it's immediate family such as nieces or nephews I actually think it's pretty mean. However if it's friends/cousins etc then I don't think it's unreasonable

Him being worried his friend won't come is weird in the context you gave of him not being a close friend.

I'd hate to go to a wedding solo because I don't like weddings much - sitting alone with a load of couples or random work friends of the bride/ groom for a meal would feel like work. Most people go as couples and going alone due to childcare would be an expensive chore. Perhaps your friend knows lots of the other guests does she? If all your friends and family know one another that would be less painful, but if it's essentially a gathering of strangers linked by the fact they all wish either you or your husband well then anyone claiming to be looking forward to attending alone is probably lying for your sake.

Of course nobody should expect an invitation for their children, but and your husband to be equally should absolutely not expect people with children to attend if it'll be awkward or expensive or involve owing enormous favours to people for childcare.

I really wouldn’t be that desperate to go to a wedding. Stick to your plans.

Imagine how your friend leaving dh at home with the kids would feel if this person is allowed kids. Yanbu keep saying no.

Will the friend know anyone else at the wedding apart from your husband?
Maybe he is worried about being there alone without his wife for company. It can be quite intimidating and not really much fun attending a wedding where you dont know anyone else.
If that is the case maybe if you offered that he could bring another adult friend instead of his wife who will presumably doing the childcare.

My niece decided to have a child free wedding in Italy . It was in a castle , totally unsuitable for wee ones .She sent out save the dates a year in advance clearly stating no children so plenty of notice. When actual invitations went out , she was bombarded with calls, texts etc asking if they’d include their kids ! She kept saying no as her stress levels rose ! Anyway , on the day , 2 couples turned up - kids in tow !

They can't get childcare so she is coming and her dh is staying home with the kids. It's a bit of a shame that he can't come too

This would make me sad- people having to come on their own 😐

Tbh if someone I was very close to and really wanted to come had this issue I would offer to pay for their babysitter, or for them to stay in a hotel with a babysitting service.

Bollocks to that, you dont think op has enough to deal with planning a wedding? If friend wants to come he can arrange his own bloody babysitter

Well that's the thing, August, we're not 'expecting' anyone to attend and we knew that when we made the decision to be child-free for the wedding it would inevitably mean that some people wouldn't/couldn't come. I have lots of extended family - younger cousins/second cousins etc who won't be coming because they have younger children.

What I don't expect is that people hassle us to change our plans just for them so that their kids - who tbh are strangers to us - can come.

Yes we sent out save the dates almost a year ago for just that reason!

The friend will know other people there - he's part of a group of old university friends of dp's who are all coming.

YANB and YAN missing much either. Let's hope they don't turn up.

I don’t blame anyone for having a child free wedding. It’s your day and your decision as to who you want there. Please stick to your guns and don’t relent. Congratulations and enjoy your day 💐

This would make me sad- people having to come on their own

Don't be sad for her russellbrandshair, she's coming with a group of friends and will have a whale of a time (I hope!)

Just say sorry we can't make an exception for you. Our own nephew's aren't attending so as you can imagine it wouldn't go down well if we allowed your children to come!

You shouldn't have to justify your decision, they're rude to ask.

YANBU op he really is not a friend if kicking off like that tell he now uninvited but I think Yabu to not have your nephews as when u look at photos etc they wont be there but I get your views etc

Reiterate to the friend that the wedding is child free. He can either come or not but his child cannot be the exception when family have respected your wishes.

SoftSetPlum why did you say your DH to be us worried that his friend won't come then?

Surely the correct response is simply "I'm sorry that you won't be able to come, hopefully we can catch up [whenever]"

As long as you genuinely understand and lay on no pressure nor emotional blackmail, and graciously accept the declined invitations it's all good. Bullets dodged on all sides.

Why on earth this distant friend is so desperate to bring his family to a wedding where he isn't even close enough to have met the bride is confusing. Is he a massive wedding fan?

YANBU - unless you expect DP's friend to attend regardless. I hope you have a lovely wedding. x

One of my very close friends had a "no child" policy for her wedding in August. When we received the invite, the November prior, we'd just found out that I was pregnant and so before we'd even told our parents, we told her because we knew we would have a new born baby at her wedding. I didn't want to decline without explanation but neither did I want to accept and then pull out later when we officially announced our pregnancy. I was also testing the waters to see how strict her no child policy was as most brides IME make an exception for babes in arms. It was clear that no exception would be made and so I could either decline the invite or accept and bring my own childcare (my mum). As this was one of my best friends, I decided to accept and set about planning how to make it work with a newborn. I had to pay for 2 rooms in the hotel for 2 nights... for my husband and I and for my mum so she could mind our 8 week EBF baby. I expressed milk for her and we (mum and I) agreed to keep in contact by text if baby needed feeding and wouldn't settle. It took a lot of planning and logistics as the wedding wasn't local and my mum isn't local to me. But this was a really good friend and I wouldn't have missed the wedding for the world. So... came downstairs on the morning of the wedding and was absolutely devastated to see another baby at the wedding similar in age to my own 8 week old. It was a hammer blow and it really really upset me.... the bride hadn't mentioned anything about another person having a baby there and I'd assumed that it would be child-free and with no exceptions, as I'd been led to believe. It really ruined the day for me and it bloody hurt paying the hotel bill the next morning. I got upset the next day, regretfully, because I struggle to hide my emotions and the bride knew I was upset about something but not what. We have spoken since, months after, about why I was upset but it doesn't look as though our friendship will get back on track. I was really upset that she let me go to all that expense and planning and then sat me opposite the other woman with a baby at the wedding breakfast. She was BF her baby whilst my own baby was persona non grata locked away upstairs in a bedroom with my mum. Feeling my milk let down as this baby fed and not being able to feed my own was heart breaking. My point is.... if you do have child-free (and that's absolutely your prerogative) then it needs to be applied consistently. You will hurt other people if you make exceptions for one when others have gone to expense to give you the wedding you would like.

You have to go with what’s requested. We went to a wedding - family - no children although the bride and grooms toddlers were there. We spent a lot of money getting our children taxied up to the evening venue as they were allowed for the evening only. - 45 mins - 1 hour drive - and everyone else lived the same distance away PITA

They’re being very rude. You’re doing nothing wrong. Firm response and ignore after that imo.

"I'm sorry friend, but we can't bend the rules for you, when Soft's own nephews won't be coming. You can imagine what bad feeling would come from that"

@hotgluegun that's shitty. How did the bride explain allowing another baby?