To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

[SoftSetPlum]

Yes, it's a wedding one

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

Don’t change your plans. They will just have to decline. We are in the same position. We have a wedding coming up and kids aren’t invited. Unfortunately one of our children has a medical condition that no one else is willing to train for in order to look after her, so we won’t be going. It’s a shame because we would have enjoyed it but it is what it is.

Well he can ask and you can say no. But as a parent it can make it very difficult, I mean it may mean one parent goes and one can,t which lessens the enjoyment. Or you can only attend for a while or not attend at all. It,s your wedding but this is scenario you must have considered going down the on child route. What he does is up to him.

He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare

For me, the "no" would become even firmer because he's being rude enough to hassle you. Even one request would be a bit much, but to keep repeating it is beyond the pale

Who does this, FGS, and what part of "no" don't they underatand??

It's perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding, as long as you don't then get annoyed if people with children decline. Your DP's friend is a cheeky fucker for putting you on the spot by asking to bring his kids and an even cheekier fucker for repeating the request when he'd already been told no! Don't back down and allow him to bring his DC, or it'll seem very unfair to all your family and friends with children who have respected your wishes and either arranged suitable childcare. But your DP does need to accept that his friend may not be able to make it and he might not be the only one.

They sound horrible people. Stand your ground OP

Defaultuser - one of my closest friends has 4 kids, who are not invited. They can't get childcare so she is coming and her dh is staying home with the kids. It's a bit of a shame that he can't come too but I'm grateful that they've respected our wishes without making us feel bad about it. She's looking forward to a night off!

Looks like they’re not coming then!

Definitely NBU. DH and I have both been to weddings solo when we had no one to look after DC. Your wedding, your rules!

But your DP does need to accept that his friend may not be able to make it and he might not be the only one

This. You can’t have it both ways. It’s gone to have a kid free wedding but your DP can’t then moan if his friend can’t come

I personally believe the only exception should be a young babe on the boob.

I wouldn’t make any other exceptions nor be guilted into it. Can’t be one rule for one.

He’s a pushy bugger, what’s the betting if you capitulated and said he could bring his kids it would only be the starts of the demands?

I just find this automatic assumption that your kids can come too a bit odd.

I was a single parent for years before I met dp. I had to turn down invites now and again because they didn't include ds. It was no big deal and I would never have assumed that an invite to an adult occasion also meant I could bring ds.

Russellbrandshair - dp isn't moaning, he feels shit that his mate is piling on the guilt.

My oldest friend had a child free wedding a couple of years ago when I was four days away from my due date with DS2 and we had to find childcare for DS1 who was 20 months at the time. Luckily for us we managed to get family to watch him and were able to go. Never in a million years would I have asked to if they would change the rules so we could bring DS1. If we hadn't managed to get childcare we simply wouldn't have gone which would have been disappointing but just how it goes.

Stick to your guns. YANBU by wanting to have your day the way that you want it!

he feels shit that his mate is piling on the guilt

Ah ok- you originally said he was “worried his friend won’t come” so I was referring to that

Definitely don't give in. Let them decline the invite. Their kids are not your responsibility to sort out. If they have the absolute cheek to accept the invite and then turn up with the kids (which wouldn't surprise me) you should be prepared to tell them to leave.

Well he is worried that his friend won't come too but yes, he understands that we can't have it both ways

Don’t give in. My biggest regret is not sticking to my guns regarding a child free wedding. My friend just kept going on about how her DD had planned her outfit and couldn’t wait. DH also insisted on having children there, without thinking through the logistics. It was a bit of a nightmare. We had to pay for a children’s entertainer while we were eating, costs rocketed etc etc. It’s the only thing I regret about my wedding.

His friend can come. Just without his kids

I wonder if his wife has said since it's his friend's wedding, he's responsible for finding a babysitter and this is his response. I can't think why he'd be making such a fuss otherwise.

Very glad you have spelled it out op. We had a dc - free day except my dc. Shame my friend at the time didn't grasp what that meant.
Her dd posted on sm the night before her and her dsis in their dresses for our big (small!) day.
You see her in every pic in a fuchsia dress like Where's friggin Wally...

I think the fact that you are both late forties changes things too. If you were both in yr 30s i would say this will massively inconenience yr own friends but now that your 'peer group'is past that stage of life you should be able to have a childfree day.
In my opinion!
Im in my late 40s.

Are they coming a distance? Can you help out by asking around about childcare locally? If you could find someone suitable (try local nurseries to see if they have staff who would like a bit of extra work) who they could pay to look after their kids at the local park and their hotel room, might that work for them? (It may depend on age and confidence of the children - not all would be okay left with a stranger. It might also depend on timings - probably much easier if the parents are able to pop back to the hotel and do bedtime.)

Your fiancé has to accept that his friend may not be able to attend and should be gracious about the decline. It’s the trade-off for choosing a child-free wedding. Absolutely nothing wrong with making that choice.

His friend trying to pester you to change the invite is being rude. He needs to accept that he might just have to sit this one out of child care isn’t feasible.

Salmon that was a big part of our thinking. I will, in fact, be pushing 50 and aside from my nephews, our life just doesn't really feature small children any more. I know when you're knee-deep in toddler-life it seems all-consuming but it wasn't the kind of day we wanted, terrible people that we are!

My 17-year-old ds will be walking me down the aisle though

His friend can come on his own if he’s that desperate to come.
Please don’t offer to pay for their babysitting as a pp suggested.