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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

220 replies

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:32

Yes, it's a wedding one Grin

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 08/02/2020 21:45

@Slimmer2018 - that is very much anecdotal and your own personal opinion.
I've been to LOADS of weddings. I've never felt one was 'enhanced' by children being there..
Personally the two weddings I enjoyed least were probably the ones where we were expected to take our small dc. Not a relaxing day at all.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2020 21:57

That is a beautiful dress, OP.

I don't blame you with the no-kids rule. His friend is really cheeky - if your own young relatives can't be there, why does he think his own children can be there when you haven't even met them?

Verbena37 · 08/02/2020 22:04

Haven’t read all thread but if the friend is that bothered about coming, he could could come on his own. If not, you could always suggest meeting up for a nice meal out together when they have a babysitter.

If they’re not keen on either of those suggestions, they’re not really great friends.

PerkyPomPoms · 08/02/2020 22:08

Very cheeky to ask

Deadringer · 08/02/2020 22:11

Parents who don't have childcare miss out on lots of things, concerts, parties, weddings, that's just the way it is. His friend can go on his own or stay home, no big deal.

MumW · 08/02/2020 22:15

DP is feeling really shit about it and worried his friend won't come.
This is what the CF wants so stay firm.

dp isn't moaning, he feels shit that his mate is piling on the guilt.
Tell him to stop feeling bad. A mate doesn't pile on the guilt - and that is exactly what they should be told.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 08/02/2020 22:17

@Slimmer2018 Children do not belong at weddings. Especially the reception where there is booze, questionable (adult) speeches, etc. They get under foot, trip things, and that's not even considering crying/screaming babies during the ceremony and/or the speeches. Children simply do not belong at weddings. I think most people would understand this.

MumW · 08/02/2020 22:17

Dress is definitely drop dead gorgeous and just because it's not white or meringue shaped doesnt mean it isn't bridal. It's how you wear it and how you feel that counts.

HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 22:31

@HeadachesByTheDozen I completely agree.

figandmaple16 · 08/02/2020 22:35

To be honest, in your circumstances (older wedding) I would not care what they thought, why should you its your wedding and its one day, do what you both want. Its one day, one party, how is that a big deal?. I mean if it was his brother, or sister with young kids, then yeah I understand. If it was a younger wedding then yeah these things are usually more family orientated. But your older and this is a friend, youre doing them a favour inviting them for a free meal really. If you had organised a night out they wouldn't be complaining that their kids couldn't come, they may even be delighted to have night off! Just say the place won't be kid friendly, that you're considering penis straws, and that you plan on being fucking smashed for during and after the ceremony :)

Kanga83 · 08/02/2020 22:40

Your wedding, your choice, but surely your DP shouldn't be feeling worried he won't come- if he doesn't want to come on his own then that's his choice, just like it's yours to have a child free wedding. Surely many of your guests will be in the same predicament. Neither side should feel guilty and neither should pressure the other. I would respond saying it's ok for him to decline personally, with no hard feelings.

Russellbrandshair · 08/02/2020 23:38

Children simply do not belong at weddings. I think most people would understand this

You can’t make a blanket rule lol I’m half Italian- children definitely belong at weddings in my culture, it would be unheard of not to invite the entire family along, it’s a family oriented culture and that includes kids. I have many lovely memories of attending family weddings as a kid- everyone was welcome and it was a huge, warm, lovely informal gathering.

If people don’t want children at their weddings that’s their choice of course and everyone needs to do what’s right for them.

Cherrysoup · 09/02/2020 00:03

@HotGlueGun why on earth didn’t you just go and get your baby at that point? The bride could hardly object given her other guest as sat there with a baby.

HotGlueGun · 09/02/2020 00:15

@cherrysoup... yeah I probably should've done but.... I'd already gone to all the effort and expense anyway so the damage was mostly done. I also didn't have a sling with me because I didn't think I'd be in that situation. I regret a lot about the whole thing. I did leave the evening do at about 8pm because I just wanted to be with my baby.

NotYourTypicalNerd · 09/02/2020 00:16

Just be aware they may turn up with the children anyway...

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/02/2020 00:24

Yanbu. Provided you arent upset if people don't come. I don't have anyone who can babysit easily so have to turn down adult only invites and some friends have gone cold on me after.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/02/2020 00:25

We had hoards of children at my wedding and it was glorious. But I accept that's not everyone's idea of their perfect day.

SunshineAngel · 09/02/2020 00:30

I haven't read the full 6 pages of this, but YANBU. It is YOUR wedding, and you can invite who YOU want, without giving any reason for that.

Nobody has a right to a wedding invite.

SoftSetPlum · 09/02/2020 09:06

Slimmer2018 - I won't be 'adjusting the budget' - which would also include changing the venue which is already fully paid for - just because one mate of dp's can't get his head around why we're not interested in having his kids there.

The last wedding I went to had a 'kids area' at the back of the church which sounded like a lovely idea - until we all realised that the sound of 20 toddlers playing meant no one could actually hear the couple making their vows. Kids get bored, don't understand what's going on, parents need to leave early for babysitters, etc. I don't actually agree that children 'make' weddings - most of time the poor parents spend the whole time running around after them and can't relax and enjoy themselves.

We could, I suppose, have hired a barn or put a marquee in the garden and just had a 'free for all' but that wasn't the kind of day we wanted tbh.

OP posts:
PurrBox · 09/02/2020 09:25

Haas your husband had a good chat (out loud) with this friend, or has it been a bunch of messages? Maybe I missed a post somewhere, but I think a real, detailed conversation might help everyone to feel better (including explaining everything you have said here about money and nephews, giving the friend a chance to talk, your husband expressing how much thought and worry has gone into this). This seems to be a friend your husband really cares about, so I would encourage him to communicate. However unreasonable the friend is being, talking usually helps, in my experience.

Friendsofmine · 09/02/2020 09:26

"Sorry you can't find childcare. Thankfully everyone else has managed"

Pipandmum · 09/02/2020 09:31

What is it with people? Does no one go out at all without their kids? I'm sure this guy goes out all the time to dinner parties without them. And I never had family around either but could generally find childcare.
I had a child free wedding too. The two kids that walked down the aisle with me stayed for photos then their grandmother took them home.
Ridiculous.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2020 09:32

Why the "no exceptions" message. He should simply say look there are so many kids, we simply can't afford to invite them all and the venue can't hold them. We would love to have your kids there but can't make an exception, because we would need to make others, including for your nephews. Really sorry it's making it difficult but hope you understand.

On a personal level I don't understand child free weddings, my friends and their kids came as a package, and I'd have planned to accommodate both.

Cookit · 09/02/2020 09:35

I mean, I don’t go to childfree weddings as we don’t have family nearby, wouldn’t use a random babysitter and my kids are too young to leave anyway IMO.... But I just decline, I don’t ask the B&G to reconsider because their wedding isn’t about me.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 09/02/2020 09:37

As regards the idea that he might just bring the children anyway - I do really doubt that. I’m sure people do that sort of thing when they suspect their children aren’t invited (because their names aren’t included) but it is rather inconceivable that this friend, having been told very plainly “no”, would go ahead and still bring them.

If the friend persists (which it itself would be very odd) maybe your DP should say that the day is not child friendly and that even the bride’s nephews aren’t coming. That really should shut him up.