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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

220 replies

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:32

Yes, it's a wedding one Grin

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

OP posts:
Vulpine · 09/02/2020 14:52

Mimilarue - equally i dont understand why many people wont even consider paying for a local babysitter.

MrsP2015 · 09/02/2020 14:53

Don't change your plans.

I had a party for my child stating on the invite I paid extra for the venue to only be for their age group and had a mother saying she can't bring her child who really wants to come because no one can have the older sibling... my child's party, my rules!
Might be harsh to some but no point in arranging a day to then change it for 1 person.

This is your day- if they want a family day out they can plan one!

Original poster
SoftSetPlum · 09/02/2020 15:23

TBH I'm surprised it's taken over 200 posts for the 'weddings are boring and hideous and no one cares about your wedding except you' posts to start Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SoftSetPlum · 09/02/2020 15:25

The save the date cards did state that we wouldn't be able to accommodate children (something like that, I can't remember the exact wording we used).

When I get an invite I assume that only the people actually named on the invite are, you know, invited. It's not hard.

OP posts:
MimiLaRue · 09/02/2020 15:45

equally i dont understand why many people wont even consider paying for a local babysitter

I dont feel comfortable leaving my children with a stranger (whom I dont know personally) for an entire day and an evening. Thats my personal choice. Others feel differently and thats fine too. I would simply politely decline an invite without kids in that case.

cologne4711 · 09/02/2020 15:49

After quite a few years of not being invited to weddings DH and I have been invited to two, one last year and one this year, which are child-free. However, ds was 16 last year and 17 this year and I did think it a bit weird that he was excluded, he's not going to run around and draw on the reception walls! (They are family weddings, close relatives, so we both think it's a bit weird but haven't said anything and he doesn't care anyway).

The one coming up is BIL and I think it's odd not to invite your nephew but I wasn't invited by either of my uncles when they remarried either, despite being 12 for one and about 22 for the other, so perhaps it's not so odd.

But in the end you can invite who you like and if people don't like it they have the option not to attend.

If the wedding is overseas, people should be absolutely explicit, rather than telling you once you've booked flights.

cologne4711 · 09/02/2020 15:49

(I should say we've not been invited to weddings because nobody in our family and friends have got married, not because we've been excluded).

BackforGood · 09/02/2020 17:27

Child free weddings seem to be more of a modern phenomenon. Ive been to lots of weddings, I don't recall ever going to a child free wedding.
Not modern at all. I never went to any wedding my parents were invited to in the 60s or 70s. Each wedding is individual but I don't recall children at many weddings I attended as a young adult in the 80s

wouldn’t use a random babysitter

This is always such a ridiculous thing that gets traipsed out on MN threads....... do you seriously think people leave their dc with people they don't know ? Hmm. We used several different babysitters over the years with my dc, but, oddly, none of them were 'random'. Nor are my dds 'random strangers' to the dc they, iin turn look after for other people.

I think if most people around you have kids, then you'd be potentially excluding an awful lot of people if you said no children.

Or, you might assume they would get a babysitter (if they wanted to come) like they would if they were going to the theatre or out to a dinner party, or for their work's 'function', or - in my world - to a funeral. You aren't excluding them. You are inviting them, and it is up to them if they want to make arrangements that enable them to be there or not.

I wouldn’t want to go to a childfree wedding personally because I have young children and enjoy spending my freetime with them. Weddings are dull enough, never mind havin to pay a fortune not to see my children for the day. No thanks!

So, if you as a fully grown adult, who understands what is going on, think a wedding is dull, why on earth would you want to inflict it upon small children ? Confused

Also all this rubbish about guests relishing in he idea of a childfree night at your wedding - I hardly think so! If we were to have a night without our kids we’d rather spend it alone 💯% not at someone else’s wedding!
Why is it 'rubbish' ? Confused. Personally, I lilke spending time with friends, having a laugh, getting up to dance etc - can't really have a party with just two of you. It's fine that is what you would choose to do, but it doesn't mean it is 'rubbish' as it is true for lots of parents of young children. Lovely to get out and party without having to be watching your dc all night.

When I get an invite I assume that only the people actually named on the invite are, you know, invited. It's not hard.

^ Quite

I dont feel comfortable leaving my children with a stranger (whom I dont know personally) for an entire day and an evening.

This might come as news to you, but nor would any half decent parent. Nobody is suggesting that. I used babysitters. I also used to babysit (pre-dc) and now my dc babysit. None of these events EVER involved leaving dc with strangers Hmm

StoneofDestiny · 09/02/2020 17:37

OP - your wedding, your decision.
Friend sound weird to try and gatecrash an adult event with children!
Been to lots of child free weddings, wouldn't dream of querying the invite!

MimiLaRue · 09/02/2020 17:47

do you seriously think people leave their dc with people they don't know ? hmm. We used several different babysitters over the years with my dc

Well I dont want to use a babysitter and I dont really care what you think about that. I dont have to justify my parenting decisions to anyone. I already said in my post other people feel differently and thats up to them yet you are the one being rude. My kids have never been left with a babysitter so it would be stranger to them wouldnt it?

A wedding invitation is just that- an invitation, its not a court summons. I doubt the marriage will fail miserably just because of a lack of my presence.

ThunderGarlic · 09/02/2020 17:59

YANBU.

You're free to invite whomever you wish to your own wedding.

They are free to accept or decline the invitation as suits them best.

I've been to several child-free weddings when I was able to arrange childcare. I've politely declined and sent a present when the location and lack of childcare options would have made it a ridiculous contortion.

Aragog · 09/02/2020 18:07

Each wedding is individual but I don't recall children at many weddings I attended as a young adult in the 80s

Maybe it was more region based. Certainly growing up in the 70s and 80s I don't recall any child free weddings amongst our family and friends, and all the photographs from past family weddings have children on them.

I wasn't invited to a child free wedding til the mid 90s, and then another a few years later.

I actually have no issue with someone choosing to have a child free wedding, if that is what they choose. But when they do so they need to remember that:

(a) it is for THEIR benefit not their guests. Please don't dress it up as giving the parents a break. That isn't the reason really!

(b) don't be upset if some guests, even ones close to the bride/groom, can't or won't make it. Certainly don't complain to, or about, those guests who don't attend.

Number3or4 · 09/02/2020 18:12

Tell him it is ok if he can’t come, since he is struggling with finding childcare. That is all you need to say to keep the peace.

Russellbrandshair · 09/02/2020 18:17

Each wedding is individual but I don't recall children at many weddings I attended as a young adult in the 80s

Nah. I remember loads of kids running around at weddings during the 80s/ 90s. I used to enjoy them for that very reason -I used to have a really good laugh with the other kids

Runnerduck34 · 09/02/2020 18:23

Child free weddings are a pain if you don't have someone to look after DC.
I think you need to make it clear on invites children aren't invited, sometimes I get an invite and am left wondering if we are all invited or if it's just me and DH, I'd rather there is no ambiguity from the start.
However you have now been clear that DC aren't invited,and they are being unreasonable in keep asking you . How close is DH to his friend? Would he be upset if his friend couldn't come?

BackforGood · 09/02/2020 19:35

@MimiLaRue of course you can choose not to leave your dc with a babysitter - totally up to you. No-one has criticised you for making that choice. What I object to is you implying that other parents leaving their dc with babysitters is leaving their dc random strangers.

lynzpynz · 09/02/2020 19:48

The bride and groom make a wedding, that's the long and short of it.

It's a celebration with huge advance notice normally and plenty of time to;

a) prepare e.g. childcare if it's needed and possible
b) politely decline if you can't /won't make it for various reasons whatever they may be

Absolutely do not have time for people who try to guilt the couple into changing their carefully planned and expensive wedding - it's the one day of your lives you get to have it your way and the decisions you'll make are hardly made lightly!

So glad DP is being firm with the rude friend, zero guilt should be felt here - guarantee the friend isn't feeling any in continually badgering him.

Cookit · 10/02/2020 10:47

do you seriously think people leave their dc with people they don't know ? hmm.

Yes, people do this. I wouldn’t, but people do use babysitting finding websites and apps to find a babysitter - who is a stranger.

IrmaFayLear · 10/02/2020 10:54

Weddings I remember as a child... the posher ones tended to be child free so my parents went alone or, in one case, I went to the V&A with my mum after the church service whilst my father went to the reception.

Did you see every guest's kids at Kate &William or harry and Meghan's wedding? Did you see the Beckham's four? Or the Clooney twins? Of course you didn't.

Inviting everyone's children, whether they be small or grown up, inflates the numbers hugely .

3rdNamechange · 10/02/2020 11:59

@softsetplum lush dress. If I was getting married now it would be child free Smile

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