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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

220 replies

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:32

Yes, it's a wedding one Grin

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 11:40

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate their mall children).

Write to them sympathetically and say the above. What you have said here is quite reasonable and they should understand that.

Unless your do is a very long way away, perhaps involving an overnight stay, I don't understand why they can't find someone to mind their children. They surely have some friends or family who would stay with them. However that is for them to sort. You've done nothing wrong.

MimiLaRue · 09/02/2020 11:45

I don't understand why they can't find someone to mind their children

I get a bit tired of this expectation. My mum and dad are both dead, I'm an only child with no siblings and my husbands family live on another continent. My friends have their own kids to look after - one who has SEN and it would be ridiculous for me to expect her to look after both my kids aswell.

Why are people so incredulous that finding a babysitter is so hard? not everyone has a huge family on hand to help out- what about single parents? Its fine to have a child free wedding but its ALSO fine to not attend because you have noone to watch your children for you. Its also fine to not feel comfortable leaving your kids with a stranger they dont know.

Molly2017 · 09/02/2020 12:08

We are going to a child free wedding in August and I’m looking forward to a break from the kids. They are both under 6 and I would spend the entire time telling them off, chasing after them etc.
That said, childcare is very difficult for us, as family live far away and we don’t want to leave with strangers (our choice). We have arranged for a relative to have them overnight which is a big ask. We’ll have to drive them there the day of the wedding and drive out of our way to collect them the day after.
Because of this, if I get there and see other people have been allowed to take their children I won’t be impressed.

oohnicevase · 09/02/2020 12:10

Don't give in .. it's your day ffs .... tell them you are sorry but you can't afford / cater for everyone's kids .! I'm sure they can pay for a babysitter and come to the evening if they want to.. some people have to be surgically removed from their kids ! 🙄

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2020 12:55

it is rather inconceivable that this friend, having been told very plainly “no”, would go ahead and still bring them

It would be nice to think so, yes - but I wouldn't put money on that personally

Wonkybanana · 09/02/2020 13:02

Who the hell would want kids that they had never even met at their wedding. They could be horrendously badly behaved for all the B&G know.

Given the behaviour of their father I'd put money on it.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 09/02/2020 13:23

YANBU at all OP. We had a child-free wedding because we hardly knew anyone with any and our venue didn't really accommodate them. We had two couples we knew with kids, one couple relished the idea of a child-free night. The other was DH's friend and his wife, she declined and said she'd stay with the kids (no probs, we hardly knew her despite DH being best man at their wedding four years before) and he said he'd reluctantly be there. He made up some elaborate excuse on the day that he'd got stuck in so much traffic on his journey that he'd had to turn around and go home and he was so sorry. I don't think DH has had cause to speak to him since. He felt guilty at first that our request had kind of caused such a problem, but his friend wasn't forced to make this big song and dance of pretending he'd tried to get there and was thwarted at every turn just because he didn't have the guts to say 'no, sorry, I can't come without my wife and kids so I'm staying home'.

Your DP's friend needs to make up his mind, not keep pestering for you to change your minds.

contentedsoul · 09/02/2020 13:30

Well it sounds like the perfect excuse to get out of going to what is a very dull affair for everyone except immediate families.

I wish I could have the same stipulations sent to me.

I'd be over the moon...YES!!

moochew · 09/02/2020 13:38

We got a save the date from a friend - booked flights etc and then discovered the kids weren't invited, honestly had never heard of a child - free wedding - I wish she had been a bit more upfront - I wish I'd thought to ask and not assumed - very fucking annoying too as my whole family and all the neighbours were invited, so absolutely no one to babysit. An expensive mistake, flights couldn't be cancelled so dh couldn't go, had we know it was child free we'd have declined the invite - I didn't make a fuss, I went by myself but it annoyed the shit out of me.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/02/2020 13:47

Just curious @SoftSetPlum, what did the save the date say? Did it not have names on of who was invited?

HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 14:04

What did the save the dates say?

We only named the invited people on our save the dates - ie the individual invited people. We did not name the children, as we won't be inviting them.

Cloudyyy · 09/02/2020 14:13

I wouldn’t want to go to a childfree wedding personally because I have young children and enjoy spending my freetime with them. Weddings are dull enough, never mind havin to pay a fortune not to see my children for the day. No thanks!
Having said that, I would politely decline and wouldn’t keep asking for an invite for them - that’s odd. Just tell hear people a firm “no” and let them decline and stay home in peace.

Cloudyyy · 09/02/2020 14:17

Also all this rubbish about guests relishing in he idea of a childfree night at your wedding - I hardly think so! If we were to have a night without our kids we’d rather spend it alone 💯% not at someone else’s wedding! Ha! If they’re that excited at the thought of being without their children for the night, they could just do it on any random weekend and relax. Your wedding is really not that important an event to anyone other than you.

KenDodd · 09/02/2020 14:21

Top tip!

If you describe it as 'Adult Only' it sounds better than 'Child Free' while saying exactly the same thing.

beautifulstranger101 · 09/02/2020 14:21

Weddings are dull enough, never mind havin to pay a fortune not to see my children for the day. No thanks!

I'm 100% with you on this one. I'm not anti weddings per se, but I find them usually pretty boring and tedious and generally a bit of a chore to attend. The food is never great, youre stuck with people you barely know on the table having to make superficial small talk, the disco is usually cheesy as fck, and its a load of expense buying outfits, travel, presents etc.
I'd definitely decline if I couldn't take my kids. I think weddings are obviously super important to the B&G but other people's weddings dont really feature high on other peoples priority lists.

kingkuta · 09/02/2020 14:22

Absolute bullshit Cloudyyy. How sad that you're unable to celebrate with close friends and family in what is a really special day for them.

kingkuta · 09/02/2020 14:24

I dont go to anyones wedding that I dont care about so none of them are 'tedious' or a chore.

Alonelonelyloner · 09/02/2020 14:25

Just have the wedding you want, but accept that some people won't come. I do t think either is CFery.

Randomname85 · 09/02/2020 14:26

YANBU but sadly I have had to miss 3 weddings this past year as they were adult only and we haven’t had suitable childcare available. It’s entirely your prerogative to not have kids but it’s sad for people who want to attend and can’t that’s all.

kingkuta · 09/02/2020 14:28

It's just one arsehole by the sound of it OP As the saying goes, there's always one! Hopefully now you have made it clear to him he'll go away and you can get on with enjoying your wedding!

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/02/2020 14:32

Cheeky friend!!

I get people don’t always have family to look after - and babysitters /nannies cost

But it’s your wedding

FWIW I’m getting married again in 3mths - our second wedding for both of us but we have a 3yr daughter

All of my friends bar 3 have kids - so if they all came then means can’t have adults we want due to space and money

If we said no kids then half the family couldn’t come. So we said family children only

Friends happy with this. If they weren’t then tough

I wouldn’t expect our 3yr to be invited to friends weddings if no kids

2020newme · 09/02/2020 14:34

I would ask him to confirm by X date whether they are attending or not so that you can invite other people in their place if they are not coming.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/02/2020 14:41

We’ve said kids aren’t invited to ours because we just don’t have the space, plus it’s really not a very child friendly venue. We did say though that people should let us know if that caused them huge problems with childcare but by that we really mean those who live far away or those whose kids are right on the border between babe-in-arms and toddler. So far everyone has been fine with it!

Drum2018 · 09/02/2020 14:48

Someone suggested writing to them to explain - not a chance. I wouldn't pander to these people at all. They are being very unreasonable and pushy.

Mummyshark2018 · 09/02/2020 14:50

Dh or I have never fully declined an invite because it was 'child free'. We're both capable of attending on our own (if we can't get babysitter) depending on whose friend/ family member is getting married or who is closer to the B/G. The other person then does childcare.

Personally I love a child free wedding as it means I can relax! Been to a lot of weddings and they've never been dull either 🤷‍♀️