To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

[SoftSetPlum]

Yes, it's a wedding one

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

I was going to say the same as Hot Glue Gun. It could potentially be hurtful to other guests if exceptions were made.

I had a friend in this same situation. She had to make arrangements for her ebf babe in arms, but arrived for find other couples, not just one, had been allowed to have their babies there. I asked if they perhaps allowed only related children but they were also friends. She was so upset and hurt that her child had been excluded while others had been invited that she had to go off for a little cry (not even to their room as they had to leave early to head home to their baby). I did suggest that perhaps the other mothers had kicked up lore of a fuss but she quite rightly said that wasn’t the point.

The bride was someone she considered to be a good friend at the time but they are no longer close. You are absolutely right to enforce your rule.

@ LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood as I ousted further up, that is exactly what happened to my niece . She made it very clear it was a child free wedding , partly because the venue ( overseas) was not child friendly .
Despite being very clear , 2 couples turned up with their DC!

should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

Yes they should just decline the invitation if they can't make it, due to childcare issues.

Equally, if they (or other guests) decline for this reason you and your DP (or any bride/groom) should accept that and not give anyone any grief for not long able/want to leave their children at home. I'm not saying you would BTW - just lots of people getting married do object to people declining.

DP is feeling really shit about it and worried his friend won't come

Not much of a friend if he is piling on the pressure to allow his kids to a child free wedding. CFer.

Children simply do not belong at weddings.

Totally nonsense. Children have been attending weddings quite happily for many many years. In fact I have only ever been invited to two child free weddings, despite having been invited to dozens of weddings over the years. More weddings include children than don't, especially when you look at them across the world.

More weddings include children than don't, especially when you look at them across the world

Agree. Child free weddings seem to be more of a modern phenomenon. Ive been to lots of weddings, I dont recall ever going to a child free wedding. Most weddings ive been to were family occasions where everyone was invited

Fine for the friend to have asked, not ok for them to keep repeating the same request when you've made yourself clear

Just send him the link for babysitters.com

Mimi - does that also include children of people that the bride hasn't even met? Children of the family, well I agree that's a slightly different thing and as I said in my OP we discussed this with our families before we made the final decision and everyone has been absolutely fine about it.

But I do find this assumption that the kids will automatically come too really odd. As a PP said, if you get invited out for dinner with friends do you bring your kids as well?

But I do find this assumption that the kids will automatically come too really odd

I find it strange it would be an odd assumption. Weddings are usually family celebrations and they usually happen when people are in their late 20s/30s/40s which is the life stage when most people are having children. I think if most people around you have kids, then you'd be potentially excluding an awful lot of people if you said no children.

If you want a child free wedding, OF COURSE everyone should respect that. But the idea that children "dont belong" at weddings is utterly bizarre to me since thats not the norm in my experience of attending weddings. I also remember attending loads of weddings when I was a kid and having a blast!

I mean it may mean one parent goes and one can,t which lessens the enjoyment.
Well it potentially lessens the enjoyment of one guest, which is SO much more important than the enjoyment of the bride and groom @june2007

Weddings are usually family celebrations

Well, yes, the family of the bride and groom.

Their poor kids wouldn't even have a clue who we are!

(or bride and bride, or groom and groom, obvs )

Who the hell would want kids that they had never even met at their wedding. They could be horrendously badly behaved for all the B&G know. We had nieces and nephews only at our wedding and it was perfect. Theres no way I would have wanted children I didn't even know there. There wasn't one single guest who complained about not bringing their children. IME it is always family children only at weddings. Your DH friend sounds such an entitled little prick OP. To have the cheek to carry on pressing for his kids to come when neither of you know them and there are no other kids going is unbelievable. Cheeky fuckery at its worst.

The friend should stop pushing obviously - no means no. It's absolutely bafflingly to me that he's so keen to attend where his children are unwanted. He should have declined politely as soon as he knew it was child free.

I do agree that child free weddings are absolutely not the norm in most circles - I've never been to a child free wedding and I've been trying to loads of weddings, before and after having children. Since being an adult I've never been to one without a plus one either - that's another MN phenomenon (and I know that means it is happening "in real life" but IMO it is uncommon except where people invite work colleagues who are not really friends to attend as a group). I've never had an "evening only" invitation or known of anyone who's done that two tier A and B list Style of whole day versus evening only guests.

Different types of wedding are obviously "normal" in different circles and geographical areas, but I do think in my experience it's unusual for children not to be invited, therefore checking once if it's not explicit isn't rude. If it's explicitly stated obviously the guest who can't or doesn't want to leave their children with babysitters (potentially overnight if there's travel) should decline and the bride and groom should avoid any element of guilt tripping about it.

That is a FANTASTIC dress, you will look amazing!! @SoftSetPlum

Stick to your guns. If you make an exception you will most likely offend even more people.
We went to a ‘child free’ wedding when DD1 was 10 months old. Getting child care was a PITA. There were so many other children there the venue ran out of high chairs and someone had to borrow the travel high chair we kept in the car for our DD!.

Yanbu - I am mainly hanging out for an update on his mates strop now!

I do absolutely agree no exceptions - that'd be a proper slap in the face to people who'd paid for babysitting or ended up owing big favours for babysitting or had felt duty bound to attend despite being uncomfortable being away from their baby (and this does apply to close friends and family despite the MN invitation not a summons mantra - not attending a sibling or lifelong close friend's wedding has consequences).

YANBU. Stick to your guns OP - Your wedding, your rules. Best of luck for your wedding and your future together

Yanbu to stick to your guns, though personally I would have better things to use my babysitting favours on than a wedding.

I do absolutely agree no exceptions - that'd be a proper slap in the face to people who'd paid for babysitting
I would always expect to organise childcare for a friends wedding and would certainly not think it a slap in the face AT ALL if my friends had their own children/nieces/nephews there. They are family, very different to all your mates bringing their kids with them because it's more convenient. I have never been to a wedding where guests who are unrelated to the B&G have brought their kids along, and I've been to countless weddings.

We attempted a child free wedding... Other than bridesmaids... Cousins were coming a v distance and on way back from holiday so their children came and behaved really well.

Another friend of my husband were adament wouldn't leave there 3 children as 200 miles away.. Even though grandparents who would take and did when they went away for other things.. We relented... The kids were a right pain including in ceremony ..

The salt in the wound was 3 years later they were annoyed when we turned down their birthday celebrations at their house 200 miles away.. 5 weeks after I'd given birth... As children and babies weren't allowed... They wouldn't leave 3 primary aged children but expected us to leave a baby overnight.
Don't budge.. Enjoy your day.

I am always shocked by these posts as it wouldn't even enter my head that my children are invited to any weddings that we are invited to. At my own wedding I had children in the bridal party and my SIL had a six month old baby that she brought to the church for a photo but then her sil came and took him overnight. There was absolutely no
drama or fuss but obviously as she is immediate family if she had no babysitter then the baby would of course have come to the wedding . I am in Ireland and it does seem to be different to the UK but here it is usually only children of immediate family who attend weddings and I never ever hear anyone complaining about it .

Your dress is a stunner.