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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't assume your kids are invited too?

220 replies

SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 18:32

Yes, it's a wedding one Grin

DP and I are getting married later this year, We've thought a lot about it but decided, for a variety of reasons, that we will have a child-free wedding.

Some context: We are both older (late 40s), second marriage, no young kids and the majority of our friends and family (with some honourable exceptions) are the same. The venue we've chosen is meaningful to dp and me but not terribly child-friendly and we are limited on size and budget.

Pretty much everyone has been fine about it - except a friend of dp's who has kicked off because his small children - who dp has met once and I've never met - are not invited. He's been texting dp frequently asking if we can change the 'rules' for his family because they can't find suitable childcare and therefore they want to bring their two kids both under 6.

Now, I understand that childcare is a PITA, expensive and annoying. But if we change the decision for them we have to do the same for everyone else and that will have major implications for our budget and for our guest list (ie we will basically have to un-invite some friends and family in order to accommodate small children we don't actually really know).

AIBU to think they are being CFers and should either refuse the invite or sort out some childcare and either way not ask us to change the decision we've made?

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 08/02/2020 19:52

YANBU I cant believe he keeps trying to guilt you into it. When my oldest DS was 6 he was in my cousin's wedding (she is his godmother). The only other child was the 4 year old flower girl. My younger son was not invited and we understood...and the Wedding was on HIS 2ND BIRTHDAY. We had to stay over night for the Wedding so were away Friday and Saturday (son's bday). Luckily we found childcare for him, but had we not had anyone then DH would have stayed home with younger son and older son and I would have gone. If they have no one to watch the children then friend should come without his partner.

nelson74 · 08/02/2020 19:52

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BackforGood · 08/02/2020 19:53

Of course YANBU.
Your dp's 'friend' is being incredibly rude.

When you become a parent, you have to make choices - you either accept that you won't be able to go to all social occasions you would have gone to without dc or you make arrangements to leave your dc with babysitters or you reconcile to one of you going to the 'do' whilst the other stays home with the child(ren).
What you don't do is 'demand' people change their arrangements to suit you Hmm

Original poster
SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 19:54

HotGlueGun - that's appalling. I would feel exactly the same way as you. That's why we've ended up saying no even for my nephews, because we didn't feel we could have any exceptions.

I think dp is just upset that his mate is behaving this way, really, He knows he might not come and that's ok but this has made things really awkward.

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 08/02/2020 19:54

If an invite arrives and you are unable to attend (for whatever reason) the polite and correct response is to rsvp and decline - or accept for just the close friend and decline for his dp.

Exactly this. Your wedding, your rules. If DP's friend really wants to attend then he can go without his partner. What a drama over nothing.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 08/02/2020 19:57

I can’t usually go to childfree weddings, sometimes (depending on how far and expensive it is) I might have a moan but I respect the fact that it’s the Bride and groom’s decision. I imagine most people are the same. I had three guests asking to bring extra people who I’d never met and were either a very new partner or a friend as their plus one. I said no. They were offended. It’s frustrating but it’s life.

thunderthighsohwoe · 08/02/2020 20:01

YANBU to want a child free wedding.
They ANBU to have to have one of them stay at home if they have no childcare.

You would all BU to get cross with each other about it.

Plumpplums · 08/02/2020 20:04

Just say you understand and hopefully you can catch up when you get back from your honeymoon. Shut them down

Isbutteracarb · 08/02/2020 20:04

YANBU at all, it's your wedding and if it's a child free wedding guests should respect that and either arrange childcare or not come. And they definitely shouldn't be making you feel bad about it, thats so rude Shock

NarwhalsNarwhals · 08/02/2020 20:05

I have never used a baby sitter (my parents had them occasionally, or my grandma would have them during the day but they weren't nearby so it was not a regular thing) mine are now 11 and 15, child free weddings either DH or I would go or we would just say sorry, we can't get childcare. I'd never ask someone to bend rules as then my kids would be the only ones there, they'd be bored and at a very adult event that I wouldn't be able to enjoy as Id be anxious about them playing up.

MamaGee09 · 08/02/2020 20:06

Your sh to be just has to say that even family children aren’t invited so you aren’t going to make any exceptions, they either come without the children or not at all.

user1470132907 · 08/02/2020 20:07

YANBU. I’ve been in their position and we’ve either declined altogether or just one of us has attended. As along as, as a host, you are aware it means people with young kids may not be able to attend and are okay with that, then fair enough.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2020 20:11

My niece ... sent out save the dates a year in advance clearly stating no children. When actual invitations went out , she was bombarded with calls, texts etc asking if they’d include their kids

You see, this is what I just don't get - when did folk become so entitled that they see an invitation as the start of some sort of bartering process (or worse, an opportunity to guilt trip or demand)?

Lou898 · 08/02/2020 20:11

Your wedding, your choice. They can decline if it’s a problem for childcare. If they want to go they have to find childcare...simple!

delilahbucket · 08/02/2020 20:17

Stick to your guns. We had an aunt and uncle assume our invitation also included their kids (cousins dp has nothing to do with) and their grandkids were included on their invite and wrote us a card saying they were all coming!! They don't even all live at the same address! Cue awkward email saying they're not invited and we can't fit them in the building. They had even booked accommodation 🙄.

Racheyg · 08/02/2020 20:21

As someone with young kids......I love a child free wedding. Everyone can relax and have a good time.

I got married about 18 months ago and my kids were so bored. All our friends with your kids understood that it was child free (we got married in a pub) and everyone had a great time.

mumwon · 08/02/2020 20:22

(off subject - what are you wearing op? Grinlets get to the important subject)

HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 20:23

@delilahbucket Argh I am dreading people thinking this at ours. What the fuck are people thinking? Why would they assume others were invited if they're not named?

How did you resolve it?

Original poster
SoftSetPlum · 08/02/2020 20:26

Mumwon

Not very bridal but bloody gorgeous on! Grin

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 08/02/2020 20:28

Show dh all the people who are sorting childcare or are coming on their own and say why is df so special?

"Df, sorry we're sticking to the no kids rule as it works best for us. Let us know if you sort childcare and can both come or if you can come alone. X and x are coming so you'll not be alone. Obviously I understand if you can't make it and we'll miss you."

EugenesAxe · 08/02/2020 20:32

I was really sad that I drifted from a colleague I really liked over a kids-at-wedding issue. We'd asked her and her then +1, whom we'd never met and who was divorced with children. She hugely kicked off about no-kids-bar-close-family rule because it would have been one of 'his weekends' to have the children, he couldn't forego that, she wouldn't come alone, we were really selfish blah blah blah. We had to stick to our guns but it meant our friendship never really recovered Sad

As someone with young kids......I love a child free wedding. My 9 year old DS just cracked up reading that Grin

Anyway - YANBU; they need to suck it up or vote with their feet.

HotGlueGun · 08/02/2020 20:35

@Halfbiscuit the bride suggested that the other mum had bought her baby against her wishes and so I was initially sympathetic and felt bad that I'd been so upset.... until I remembered that I'd overheard the mother say she'd had "special permission" to bring her baby. The bride didn't want prams on her wedding photos or crying babies during the ceremony... fair enough. If I'd been able to take mine, i would've worn her in a beautiful sling... no pram or unsightly changing bag in sight. The bride told me that her wedding photos have been ruined because on the confetti ones, the pram can be seen on the background. Karma I say.

delilahbucket · 08/02/2020 20:38

@HalfBiscuit dp sent them a message saying sorry but they aren't invited. He was quite blunt but polite. They said ok, they would still come, and had managed to cancel the accommodation. I was expecting a fall out if I'm honest. Don't even get me started on my family and two who said they weren't coming then three months later decided they now wanted to come, after their places had been filled by other people. We have literally 40 chairs for the meal and there was no end of "but can't they just go on an end/in a corner" etc. Not to mention that no one seemed bothered we would have to find additional funds to pay for two more people. Sometimes I say to dp I wish we'd just run away and done it in secret 😂.

SallySun123 · 08/02/2020 20:42

This guest needs to put his big boy pants on and go to the wedding alone if his wife can’t make it. If he takes the “if the kids can’t come then I can’t come” stance, he’s a bad friend.

@HotGlueGun that is savage and shows why consistency is needed!

HotGlueGun · 08/02/2020 20:42

@softsetplum I think that for most people it would be understandable for close family children to be there... which would include your nephews. I would certainly be ok with that even if my own children couldn't go. But if you allow one guest to bring their children then you really do risk causing very real offence to other people who actually love you and respect your wishes. It cost me £800 for accommodation alone for my friends wedding.... that's before transport, present and outfit are taken into consideration. Well over £1,000 to be a guest at her wedding. When I saw that baby, I was really upset at the bride but also at myself for my own stupidity. I should never have entertained leaving my lovely new baby and paying stupid money to go. The other new mum was local as well.... so for not much expense she got to take her baby, feed it on demand etc and go home to her own bed after. I'm still not over it but have tried to still be friends with the bride, although it looks like she's no longer speaking to me because I had the audacity to be offended!