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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is DH being a knob??

214 replies

Springisintheair20 · 07/02/2020 18:15

I had some relatively minor surgery today under GA. DH offered to drive me to the hospital early this morning. He got up about 40 minutes before I was due at the hospital and fannied around on the loo for 20 minutes meaning I had to call him several times to say we needed to leave. We then had another ten minutes delay while he de-iced the car which meant I was almost late. He was then annoyed that I was tetchy and not grateful enough that he was taking me. If I’d got the cab I’d wanted to get I’d have had a lot less stress!

Anyway he came to pick me up after the surgery and then proceeds to have me sat in the car for an hour while he runs errands. I have been bleeding continuously since my op and sitting in a car park waiting for him was not what I had in mind when I got discharged. He has been home all day so why on earth he didn’t do his errands then I’ve no idea. He then picks up McDonalds for dinner because he can’t be bothered to cook. I don’t like it as a rule but ok fine. It’s freezing cold once we get back so needs reheating. He proceeds to start reheating his own and gets shirty when I take his out to sort the ( young) kids food out first. Apparently “ nothing works without me”... which I take to mean he thinks he is the most important person?? Anyway I sort the kids, wait for him to hear his food and then heat my own. I kind of expected he might sort the kids and mine since I’m just out of hospital but nope. After eating I come up to bed as I’m feeling really wiped out. He then asks me to run the kids bath. I told him no but it’s really pissed me off. Now maybe I’m overreacting but I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this stuff and I should be resting??

I know these are probably minor but it’s indicative of how he always is. I will probably get diggy little comments all weekend if I’m not back up and on my feet as usual in the morning.

OP posts:
skippyskips · 07/02/2020 19:19

What the fuck have I just read? He made you sit in the car for an hour whilst he ran errands that he could have done whilst you were at hospital.
Shock that's horrendous.

My DH would never treat me like that. He would literally wait on me in that scenario, likely would have gone to the shop to get some of my favourite treats in for when I get home and I would do the same for him.

The way he treats you isn't normal op.

PatellarTendonitis · 07/02/2020 19:21

and I can’t go to a hotel as I’m not supposed to be alone for at least 24 hours.

I'd go anyhow. He may as well not be there, he won't help or notice if you're ill.

1Morewineplease · 07/02/2020 19:21

I hope that you recover soon OP.
It does sound as though he is in denial over your op and is somehow projecting onto you that he really wishes that you hadn’t had this surgery.
In short, it sounds like he isn’t coping with your ‘absence’ from normal family life and is pretending that all is well.
However, he has clearly failed to see that you need ‘ time out’ from normal life , for a little while, and so he’s carrying on as normal.
Truth is, this isn’t acceptable and his behaviour may well resurface on other occasions.
It would be interesting to know how he reacts when you have flu or a sprained wrist.

If I’m really honest, I think that your husband’s behaviour has been appalling. Did you tell him how you were feeling when he picked you up?
As an aside, my husband would have stayed at the hospital, maybe gone for a coffee at the hospital cafe, but would have been there for me.

I’m sorry that you felt the need to post in the first place. 💐

B0bbin · 07/02/2020 19:23

He sounds like my DH who is terrible jnder pressure. He goes wrong when anything stressful happens. He basically becomes a knob. Xx

EllenRipley · 07/02/2020 19:25

You deserve better. Much, MUCH better.

bigchris · 07/02/2020 19:26

Have you thought about what would happen if you got ill, or what will happen when youre both older

How can you bear to be with someone as selfish as this

QueenArseClangers · 07/02/2020 19:26

He really hates you, doesn’t he Sad

Have you made a plan to LTB?

I had surgery on Monday. DH took me, picked me up with pillows on my car seat. He escorted me straight up to the freshly changed bed he’d washed and presented me with a bag full of treats/magazines/pictures and cards the kids had chosen.
He’s carried on with his normal household chores (we do 50:50) plus all mine and will do so until I'm recovered.

THIS is what a loving partner does. Your DH is a selfish cunt of the first order and you deserve better.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

TimeMarchesOnNeverEnding · 07/02/2020 19:26

OP you know this is not normal and that he should be caring for you.

Can you not just take yourself off to bed and tell him to get on with it? No way would agree to wait while he ran errands after an op I would have asked him go take me straight home.

My husband isn't always the most thoughtful but if I ask him for help he always helps.

Thehop · 07/02/2020 19:26

Massive cock nostril.

bigchris · 07/02/2020 19:27

Do you ever go away on girls nightouts , how does he cope ?
How old are the kids and have you ever had a night away leaving him in charge ?

Springisintheair20 · 07/02/2020 19:28

To whoever it was that asked if I really thought he wasn’t a knob? No, I didnt. I find him a lazy, selfish arse the majority of the time. However he is always telling me that I’m wrong, that he works so, so hard for this family. That he does “plenty” or “ loads”. It does make you start to doubt your reality.

OP posts:
RedRed9 · 07/02/2020 19:29

I’m so sorry OP. What a knob.

If you’re calm enough I would call him in and say (very calmly and gently so it doesn’t turn him into an argument) “DH I just want to remind you that I’ve had an operation today. I’m weak and I feel terrible.”

RatherBeFlying · 07/02/2020 19:29

Utter nob. Couldn't be much worse. Please look after yourself.

RedRed9 · 07/02/2020 19:30

I agree that everything he’s done is out of order btw. Apart from the de-icing. I see your point about it, but he could just argue back that he didn’t predict it would need de-icing and that he got you there in time anyway.

Idontkowmyname · 07/02/2020 19:31

@Springisintheair20 please don’t ever doubt yourself about his behaviour, it is not ok. Easier said than done but once you recover I’d be giving serious consideration as to whether or not you want to continue the relationship. Be kind to yourself and hoping you make a speedy recovery from your surgery.

Booboooo · 07/02/2020 19:31

He is a awful arsehole and was totally thoughtless and appalling but out of everything he did today the bit that would make me hit the roof the most was sorting his tea out before the kids. What kind of parent does that???

Hanab · 07/02/2020 19:32

He is worse then a knob 🤷🏻‍♀️

KatharinaRosalie · 07/02/2020 19:32

You had surgery under GA and are bleeding! He should be literally carrying you to and from the car, and making you as comfortable as possible.

OralBee · 07/02/2020 19:32

I’d go to a hotel if you can afford it, I know you’re not supposed to be alone but for all the use he is you might as well be and at least in a hotel if you call reception they will actually be some use and you’ll be able to keep calm and rest.

SquareOnTheHypoteneuse · 07/02/2020 19:32

His behaviour is dreadful.
Is this normal or is he generally caring?
If it’s normal, I’d be rethinking the relationship.

bigchris · 07/02/2020 19:34

I find him a lazy, selfish arse the majority of the time

Why do you put up with it ?

WhatsTheLatest · 07/02/2020 19:34

why are you with him?

Pennylane22 · 07/02/2020 19:34

After what you said about how he acted at your fathers funeral and after your c section (disgusting behaviour - my DB took two weeks off work when his DW had a c section and was at her beck and call) I don’t understand why you are even together. He sounds horrible.

Can you leave?

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 07/02/2020 19:34

He sounds like a really horrible person to live with. I can't imagine my DP ever treating me so cruelly.

And I agree with a PP, he's doing this on purpose to punish you and because he enjoys having power over you.

LisBethSalander07 · 07/02/2020 19:36

You deserve better.

Flowers