Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

How bloody awful for you. I've no idea how you deal with an asshole like that, but here to handhold with

I have no real advice but I wanted to say it is absolutely ok and not one bit stupid to be nervous of his reaction. Anyone who hides a hidden camera like that is clearly not stable so you are right to be on your guard. Just keep telling yourself you are not wrong

Fucking hell!! What an absolute arsehole, how dare he.

Hope you’re ok

A handhold from me.

Have you taken all of this to the police?

Have you sought advice from women’s aid and the police domestic violence unit? If not a strongly suggest you do to keep yourself safe.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the support. I have no family close by and at the best of times they're fairly caught up in their own stuff so forget to offer support and stuff.
Yes things have been logged but I've not currently pressed charges, which is what this letter is about and saying I will seek an injunction if anything else happens. I'm actually scared of his reaction, I decided to get a warning letter sent because he didn't seem to be taking what he'd done seriously and was making jokes about things he'd seen etc (all while saying how sorry he is, but he acts like he has reason to do it!)

I’d be going to the police in those circumstances. A solicitor’s letter doesn’t seem nearly enough. What he’s done is stalking/abusive. A ticking off in a letter just doesn’t cut it. If you go to the police and make a complaint, you’ll have much better protection against what he might do now or in future.

TBH, I'd have sought an injunction already and pressed charges.
A hidden camera is very serious.

Honestly, I'd just press charges.

Every single time you take the softly softly approach with a person like this, the message they receive is 'She doesn't dare stand up for herself.'

And so the abuse will continue.

The way to finally stop it is for you to go for the jugular. Nothing else will work.

Press charges if you have proof of the camera, go for an injunction, and tell him to start thinking about court if he wants to sort out access.

Go to the bloody police and stop pussy footing around this vile man. You are obviously not deserving of his behaviour , but you are feeding the drama triangle with your refusal to put a stop to it.

Holy Crap!
That is shockingly awful!
He won't appreciate the seriousness until the police are involved, surely. Does he have a solicitor for the divorce that can be informed and give him some clear instruction?
He needs his nuts stamping on!

🤝 from me too. There is nothing that would justify putting a hidden camera in your bedroom. You are separated. Whatever happens there is no longer his business.

Why are you not going to the police? This is an outrageous breach of your privacy but you're scared of upsetting HIM?

Please seek some counselling to help you assert yourself better. Stand up for yourself!

He will try to minimise his behaviour - of course he will. You gave him reason to mistrust you so he had to put a camera in your room right? Otherwise he would just sound like a controlling, jealous, psychopathic arsehole wouldn’t he?!!
Don’t let him explain away what he’s done, he’ll always say it’s your fault. You have absolutely done the right thing, that is very abusive and scary behaviour (and I’m just talking about the hidden camera - I don’t know what else he’s done!)
The best advice I can give is that if he becomes abusive or starts trying to challenge you just walk away - I wouldn’t get drawn into a conversation with him about it. Just say “my lawyers have told me not to discuss it with you” or tell him to text you as you don’t want to discuss it with the dcs around. That way you’ll have a record of his rants too In case you need further action.

Stop fannying around with solicitors letters and go to the police.

Please tell us you've reported this to the Police?!

And you've checked the rest of your home.......... which I hope he no longer has access to?

Press charges. I didn't with my x over an assault and I regretted it every time we went to court over the children, he should have a record of his abhorrent behaviour.

That’s vile!!

Please go to the police and press charges, he had committed a horrible crime against you and should be punished.

Police.

Check your home / electronics for any other devices. There are companies (police or women’s services may offer recommendations) that can do this for you.

Do not minimise the seriousness of this.

Hand hold from me.

I don't know what is the best action as far as your stbxh, only you know what that may be, but you definitely need to keep the option of pressing charges in case you change your mind or your solicitor/ police recommend you press charges.

Also, I think it would be reasonable for you to NOT be talking to him directly as he can try to manipulate you etc. Please talk to either the police DV unit or Womens Aid etc to sort this out so you won't have to see or hear what his reactions are to anything you're doing.
Also, if he's trying to get to you via the children you need to be ready and able to stop contact, and you need the professionals to help you with this so please get them involved asap.

My heart goes out to you, but I'm SO happy for you that you have taken your life back from the bas*d.

If this is all logged with the police, drop them an email just to let them know that ex is receiving a "cease and desist" letter today - they will know to respond immediately if anything escalates.

Don't answer the phone, don't respond to texts etc. Increase your security at home, have a plan if you need to get out safely, call someone etc.

Equally, be prepared for an eerie silence! He may do nothing at all. Be prepared mentally for that.

I agree that later you may regret not pressing charges. But I appreciate that you don't want to right now.

It's worth reporting to the police - they can put a flag on your number so if it all kicks off and you need them urgently, they'll come out to you as a priority.

Don't get sucked into explaining or justifying yourself to him. When my exH got ranty with me, I found the most effective thing was to look back at him with a glazed, slack-jawed expression. He gave up much quicker than any of the times I engaged with him, no matter how I approached it.

My dear I think you are a long way off appreciating what normal is here. In my view a hidden camera is NOT warning territory it is massive invasion of privacy get his arse prosecuted time.

How can he possibly logically emotionally blackmail you over saying a hidden camera is not ok? Any suggestion by him is crazy talk. i wouldn’t engage with the crazy. If you have to speak to him at all eg at child drop off then if he starts I would put a hand up ad say something like “this is not up for discussion, your behaviour was criminal and unacceptable.” Practice in the mirror.

How do you know what else there is ? This is huge line to cross - I def be pressing charges - a letter won't stop him

A hidden camera would be an immediate police matter for me, and I'd be pressing charges too. You have absolutely no idea where that footage has gone. None. It's voyeurism, it's criminal behaviour and you've potentially been wank fodder for god knows how many strangers...stop playing nice and nail the bastard's balls to the wall, ffs.