Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

It is utterly terrifying to me that you dont see how serious this is! He has messed up your boundaries so so badly that your vision on this is totally skewed.

He had a hidden camera in your bedroom. I know that you say your sex life is none of his business, but if you have had sex......he has watched you. If you have got out of the shower naked and, I dunno, put some moisturiser on your elbows, he has watched you. If you have masturbated....he has watched you.

It is so disturbing and he belongs in jail. He is not a good father, he is not even a vaguely decent human being. Please please go to the police!

Sorry, OP, am I right in thinking that he managed to film you and your new partner having sex? If so, does your new partner know about this? It is extremely serious and if this is right, he had been violated too and deserves the opportunity to understand that his private life may well have been splashed across the internet as 'revenge porn' (I assume you have considered this possibility for yourself too?) and decide what he wants to do about it.

I'm so sorry, it's bloody awful for you.

I sit in court day in, day out listening to stalking and harassment cases. IMO your ex would be jailed for his behaviour. It’s extremely serious. The best thing you can do is go to the police. He’ll never stop.

Absolutely horrific what he has done but, and I'll probably get totally slated for this, isn't it a bit too soon after the split to be having another man around in the house....hopefully the kids aren't there when you do

Hes not a good father hes an abuser-i know its nor real but did you watch deadwater fell that was on recently

Controlling abusive behaviour led to him killing his wife and children to stop her leaving

it happens op and youre minimising it because you think your dc deserve a father like this

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

Boymum - no he isn't. He really, really isn't.
Everything FizzyGreen wrote at Wed 05-Feb-20 12:00:58.

And ... is a "a great dad" someone who woke your children up in the middle of the night to drive over and check you were home ?

Stop making excuses for him.
Find your anger.
Go to the police, & let this illegal camera installation be the final abusive act he commits against you.
Protect yourself from him - & protect your children from seeing you manipulated & controlled by him.
He is not a good dad.
It is not your fault.
He will not change, or be "nicer" if you are "kind".

You need stronger boundaries, & until you have learned how to erect & maintain them, you need your lawyer & the police to erect them for you.
You should at the very least be looking to get a restraining or non-mol order against him for this latest outrage. Not sending him a watered-down lawyer letter as you were planning.

I fear that you don't yet even know what a boundary looks & feels like.
While this is the case, can I urge you to ensure that you allow your lawyer & the police to help you finally learn how to hold your own boundaries?

So hang on he also filmed your partner at the time? I think they need to know as well. Because if I was them I would 100% go to the police even if you’re unable to through your own fear.
There is someone out there with hours of tape of someone else and you’re not going to disclose it?

why you would not go to the police is beyond me

also - Freedom Programme? You have done this and spoken to WA?

And damn straight he is upset you dumped him - he lost his victim and control when you did this.

So serious an invasion of privacy should be prosecuted. He will perceive your restraint as weakness and may up the ante. So sorry you are suffering such abuse - you will be free of him one day.

I left him and he was desperately unhappy about that

No this is what he was..
I left him and he was flamming angry that he was losing the ability to control me any longer and tried to convince me to stay by acting despertely sad.

Go to the police and make contact with a domestic violence charity for immediate support. This is an incredibly unsafe situation.

It is utterly terrifying to me that you dont see how serious this is! He has messed up your boundaries so so badly that your vision on this is totally skewed.

As Cora says OP. None of us are being stern with you for the sake of it here.
Dozens of us will have experienced similar, a few of us barely escaping with our lives.
He is no longer living in the marital home, but you - through fear, through not having the benefit of hindsight as do so many of us here, through misplaced kindness, through wish fulfillment that he will be a 'good dad' - are still 100% under his thumb.

When he moved out, did you do the Freedom Programme?
If not, please will you do it now? - you need RL support to help you see that his behaviour is totally unacceptable, & that there are tried & tested tactics available to you, to finally free yourself psychologically of his terrible influence on your critical thinking skills.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Also - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I know this is hard to take in. I'm only talking tough to you because I can see it from the other end of the tunnel OP, & you, as yet, cannot - because you are still trapped in the FOG (fear obligation guilt, see link above) of the abuse cycle, & you will not be free of it until you have taken significant steps to educate & release yourself from your ex's thrall.

Start those steps today.

1. back to your solicitor, tell her you are ready to start listening, tell her you want the full force of the law's protection starting NOW
2. Police. You know what to do. Get it logged, keep logging ALL communications with ex. No more talking to him. Use the technique by PP upthread - hold your hand up & walk away while calmly stating "your behaviour is illegal & unacceptable, & you are not to contact me except for making arrangements about the kids". Practice this one OP, you need it ready to trot out so your poor wounded mind does not seize up. Yes - I know how it feels. Say it now, in the mirror. Memorise it.
3. sign up to the Freedom Programme. You can do it online, but if your circumstances allow you to do it in person, so much the better - imagine the support & understanding of all those RL people having your back! How good is that going to feel?
4. read Lundy Bancroft. I mean - make him your bible, your go-to resource, because every word he writes is true.

& for crying out loud, keep posting here while you sort that lot out. It hurts, it's scary, but this bloody camera incident could be the start of you finally, finally, ousting this sick weirdo from your day to day life & your mind.

if it all gets too much, PM me.
I'll check in for messages for a few days .... just in case you feel you want extra support while you push yourself out of the comfort zone to finally get your nasty pest dealt with in the ONLY manner which has a hope of stopping him. Legal. Police. Today. Please, OP.

OMG, why on earth would you not go to the Police?!

I understand what you have written but nothing you have said gives an even slightly valid reason for not going straight to the police.

How do you know there aren’t other devices in the house?
Can he see your google trail? Or follow where you have travelled?

You need professional help to de-bug your house and your electronics.

All the PPs on this thread are telling you to go to the police and press charges. Your own solicitor has advised you to go to the police and press charges. If it were happening to a friend/relative of yours, you yourself would tell her to go to the police and press charges.

I understand this is very difficult for you. But please, GO TO THE POLICE AND PRESS CHARGES. Failing to do so is not doing the best for your children. Protecting yourself is the best thing you can do for your children.

Jesus woman! Where is your anger????

PLEASE GO TO THE POLICE

Do you have any idea of how many people may have viewed that footage OP, do you have any idea of how many porn sites you may feature on? Do you have any idea of how abused you actually are by this man.

THIS. The implications are just horrendous.

And there may still be more cameras and other recording devices hidden in the house.

Please report him to the police.

If OP is in the U.K. then she can't press charges- it's a police matter. If the other man doesn't know about this then he should, as he is the victim of a crime. Please let him know.

boymum the only hand hold we can offer is the one that includes GO TO THE POLICE, PRESS CHARGES

And please do THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

At the moment your response is 100% what he has taught you to be.

You have started so well, he is out of your home. Now you need to get him out of your head.

That starts with making him responsible for his actions!

Haven't got time to read the whole thread, OP, sorry - but if this happened to me, there's no way he'd be having unsupervised access to my children.

Police. Draw a hard line for this man. He sees you as a possession to be monitored. And will more than likely escalate. Show your children how adult interactions should be.

I wouldn’t give him a heads up with the letter Straight to the police, otherwise he will delete the recordings?!

Just imagine how shit your children will feel if they found out you allowed yourself to be continually violated and abused so that they could spend time with a bullying, controlling, creepy shithead.

Are you sure that was the only camera he put in your house? I think you really need to report this to the police.

it Is quite probable that your ex has, at some point, caught footage of your children naked, for example, if they get changed in your room. Who is he showing those films to? You may not think he would but a man who has sunk so low as to try and film his ex having sex with her new partner is capable of anything and his perceptions of what is acceptable behaviour are totally off balance.

So has he filmed your partner? If so I hope you have told him and given him the choice whether to go to the police? I would be.

He is not a great father. He is controlling and dangerous and I wouldn't want my children with someone like that. As someone else says, if he thinks this is acceptable what happens when your children grow up and may not be telling him everything?

This level of obsession is dangerous. You need to get the whole house checked, change all passwords, check all devices for key loggers and go to the police. Get a non mol order so he can't come to the house.