Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

OP, have you considered he may have ‘accidental’ footage of your children? Possibly undressed? And that if you don’t do what he wants, he may threaten to post the footage online?
Please, even if not for you, please please please, protect your children.

ln the UK you cannot 'press charges' you can make a statement to the police who will then open an investigation if warranted. Its the CPS who then decide whether or not to prosecute based on the police findings and the evidence presented!

This is actually really important. @TheBewilderness, who I miss greatly, codified a set of lies that men tell to and about women, known as the rules of misogyny. The first lie that men tell to and about women is that we are responsible for their actions. Your stbxh has convinced that you are responsible for his actions and their consequences. The truth is that he is.

You, OP, don't decide if he is charged: the police decide that. You don't decide if he's prosecuted: the CPS decide that. You don't decide if he's convicted: the magistrates or jury decide that. You don't decide how he's sentenced: the magistrates or judge decide that.

His behaviour towards you is criminal and hazardous and you owe it to yourself and your children to inform the police. What happens after that is not your fault. He chose to commit a crime and he chose to risk the police choosing to charge etc. His behaviour and its consequences are not your fault.

Don't protect him from the consequences of his criminal behaviour. He has endangered you, not the other way around.

OP
An aside to think about. And to discuss with your therapist when you get one. Which is essential.

Currently:

You are more upset at us than you are at him. Why do you think that is.

@messolini9 it was directly to me. The reference to domestic abuse included an incident before we separated (I have previously written about it in another thread, it was the reason I decided to wanted to separate for sure, it was an incident of a sexual nature toward me), that's what he is disputing was domestic abuse which I know is a load of rubbish and that it of course was.

I know it will take a long time to realise what is normal, I've been constantly wracked with guilt and being unsure this past year because every time he's done something it's been turned out on me and I'm told it's my fault because of my "actions" (leaving him, subsequently meeting someone else, although months later) and I've constantly felt like I've been in the wrong even though realistically when all is laid out on paper what has happened I haven't done anything! It's when I've written on here about things that I realise how deluded I've been in my thoughts and the severity of his actions. I spoke to his mum about everything that had happened this last year and she pretty much just justified his actions and said he wouldn't have done any of the things if it wasn't for "my actions" (the things I've done keep getting referred to as "my actions"...! And like I said those things were just leaving him, meeting someone else, not telling him the ins and outs of my new relationship)

You’re not deluded. You’re brainwashed. They are very different

Boymum, your post at 19:44 was hard to read ... but I am glad you wrote it.
Can you now see what I am driving at when I urge you to cease all but child-related comms with him?
Right now, you cannot go No Contact (NC), but you can & must implement Low Contact (LC).

He is using every chance he can get to continue manipulating & controlling you. You are not yet clear enough of the FOG to resist. You must cease this engagement with him - it saps your resolve, your ability to think clearly & critically, & besides it is miserable for you & FFS you are allowed to simply dislike it & stop doing it!

The fastest way to stop his warped narrative is to not hear it any more.
Same goes for his mum. Its immaterial what she believes - she may even, deep down, know he's a nasty bullshitter, but it's easier for her personally to pin it all on you so she need never accept she has a dysfunctional arsehole for a son.

One step at a time my dear.

PS you will eventually be able to go No Contact. This blessing will.also come in time. But only after you have stopped listening to Ex, & started listening to your lawyer, the police, & your DV Survivor therapist (yup, therapy, another item to add to your To Do List!)

Agree look up

F.O.G

Now.

He’s not a good father. To be that he would have to be a decent human being, he’s so far from being that he’s the lowest scum imaginable.

Oh my goodness, what he’s done is sickening. You wouldn’t tell him the details of your sex life so he secretly filmed you?

I echo what the other posters have said, call the Police. This ‘man’ does not deserve your protection. Did he do something to you without your consent in the domestic violence incident you refer to?

How did your new partner react to the camera, out of interest? Did they not think that you needed to report this?

messolini9 your posts are amazing. OP please read and reread them.

What methods have been used to check the house for other devices?

@yabadabadontdoit, thank you, that is very kind
Hard-won through experience, & a decade of further study ...
Once seen & understood - fully understood, via therapeutic process - the "script" & "pattern" is horribly 'easy' to spot.

Posted some of links these upthread, but as the thread's getting long now, for any sisters wanting/needing to know more:

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/
Boymum - from this one, make sure you give particular attention to the sections on this page describing -
Protecting yourself after you have left
If your ex-partner continues the abuse
& even MORE particularly - If you stay or return to your home

I know it's a lot to take in.
You don't have to do it tonight.
But tomorrow, (police & lawyer contact day, yes?) & this weekend, start on the homework for your educational journey out of this horror.

xx

Do go no contact with his mother too. She sounds as sick as him.

Oh God! Please don't talk to his mother!!!

Sending you are worth a life full of freedom and not fear be brave and Expose this awful behaviour, do things in stages something each day that’s positive for you and makes you feel strong as will help you get the inner strength to move forward the freedom program Might help

@boymum9

I agree with everything that @messolini9 has said.

You need to go LC with both him and his family, he’s using his family as flying monkeys to justify his behaviour.

Please call WA and YOU really need to log this with the police.

He’s not a great father. I great dad does not abuse their mother.

Keep reading and posting

a great Dad that should read

he wouldn't have done any of the things if it wasn't for "my actions"

Absolute pile of bullshit. His Mum is as vile as he is.

Small steps, @boymum9 small steps... look at how much you've achieved already. You've left him, for a start.

Now that is starting to become public, I think you should explain his actions (re: camera) to everyone. It is indefensible, as much as his deluded mother claims otherwise.

Do not speak to her again if at all possible. She is poison.

Focus on you and your DS. And keep talking here.

Now that is starting to become public, I think you should explain his actions (re: camera) to everyone. It is indefensible, as much as his deluded mother claims otherwise.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy is bang on here, OP.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
The truth will set you free.

I completely understand your fears. I was the same and spent years trying to 'protect' my ex and help him and support him. Even after we split I allowed him to verbally abuse and bully me in front of my children. This is because you've been so used to doing this throughout the relationship you know trying to keep the peace and pacify them is the best option. Once you've split it is definitely not the best option! I made this mistake and paid the price. Now I'm being dragged through the courts for the second time in just over a year over the children's custody. I wish I'd had him arrested when he was violent to me and the kids. I wish I'd got a restraining order when I had the opportunity because there is nothing worse than sitting in a court room being berated by a judge who doesn't understand DV and coercive control telling you that you need to get along for the sake of the kids when you know he's twisted, manipulated and lied about everything. I thought mine was a good Dad to his own two and it was just me and my older two who got the abuse until we split and he started abusing an neglecting the little ones too.
Please, please, please don't have sympathy for this man as I can assure you he has none for you! As others have said you need to go to the police. You also need to get support from Women's aid. They were fabulous with me. I understand he's done a number on you psychologically (I'm three years on, now on antidepressants, lots of counselling and I'm still struggling) but you will get there. You will break free of his hold. Please avoid the flying monkeys (his mum) as they are there to support him and make you doubt yourself. 💐💐💐

Why the guilt? Even if he was a perfect partner and had done nothing wrong, you were entitled to leave him because you weren't happy. Throw in the way he treated you and there should be no guilt whatsoever.

I also agree with others that he isn't a great dad if he can treat their mother the way he has you.

@boymum9 big hugs to you.

When him and his Mum pile on the guilt of "your actions" being the cause...
STOP - you ended the relationship because of his behaviour, he assaulted you he was NOT a loving kind husband. It was HIS actions that made you end the marriage.

All the guilt of "destroying" the family are on him!!! I think you now realise that he effectively groomed you from a young age to accept his awful treatment of you but you now know this is wrong.

Please go to the police, there could be other devices involved, key logger on your phone, tracker on your car. You need the protection of the law against him.

You need to Grey Rich him, no more discussing things etc.

KOKO

Did you tell his mother how he treated you before you separated?

Although, some mothers tend to believe what they're told by their precious boys. And they will present as the victim.

I cut contact with mine. She didn't realise the extent of his actions until he had to attend court and asked her to be a supporting witness.

Great dads do not bring their sons up to think it is okay to put hidden cameras in womens bedrooms (& who knows, maybe if he has recordings of you having sex he might have posted them on the internet?)
Great dads do not bring their daughters up to think that if men put hidden cameras in womens bedrooms it is okay & they will not be punished, or that the woman will not be protected from these kinds of actions.

What is so great about the man teaching your children this?