Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

OP, put it this way: a man who fits surveillance equipment in his ex families house to spy on them presents a threat to the children as well as his ex wife. He does not sound in sane mind. I am concerned about you; I'm also concerned that your kids are protected from someone who seems to be acting in a highly irrational and coercive manner. Sorry to be blunt - it's way past time you went to the police.

Yes to police immediately.

Listen, I get it. I was you around 7-8 years ago, lots of controlling, gaslighting, violence in my case and so on.

I thought I could ‘handle’ him, and was worried about the impact on the dc. Plus, I’m a lawyer so you’d think I’d be immediately all over his shit, but I wasn’t. So I understand.

However, it escalated and I went to the police. Best thing I ever did. It put my red lines, my boundaries, in place and made me feel very much stronger. As soon as they were involved he dialled everything down. He had to anyway the abusive prick. I got a non-mol along the way too.

Please please report it all to the police. They will take it seriously. I have zero trouble from him now.

Wow that is HORRIBLE. I also think you should go to the Police.

I think he could be prosecuted for this under voyeurism laws

I hope you don't have daughters, because one day he could be putting cameras in their rooms too. Because he wanted to know if they were having sex.

I’ve just skimmed your previous threads, and read all of this one. Your ex is NOT a lovely man who is upset at the split. Read back through what you’ve previously written. He sexually assaulted you when you were asleep, he pretended he was committing suicide to frighten you, and lied about it to the counsellor , he stalked you, he talked you into letting him in at 11pm and searched your house, he woke your children up in the middle of the night to drive over and check you were home, etc etc etc.

Please please wake up to just how horrendous his behaviour is. None of this is your fault because you initiated the split. His behaviour is HIS responsibility NOT YOURS.

Please think again and press charges.

At the very least please tell police he is receiving this solicitor letter and you are scared, then if you do need them this will flag p.

Also remember that it's not likely that he will be given a custody sentence if it ever goes to court. Unless he steps up his behaviour.
If he is arrested, the children don't even have to know about it. He would probably be freed conditionally.

custodial...

He has been watching you in your bedroom for a year! Why the hell are you minimising this? Feck knows what he has done with the footage!
Your lawyer is right its a police matter. Sending him a letter is a waste of time and money he wont give 2.
Stop letting him.control your life. He has no right to invade your privacy like that it isnt the actions of a good person never mind a good dad. He can never be a good dad while doing shit like this. Stalking the kids mum and laughing about it is not a good dad, its telling them he doesnt give a crap about normal decent behaviour and his controll is more important than your autonomy. Is this what you want to.teach your kids?

This is scary.

1. What he did is criminal and horrific.

1. You don't see how bad it is.

This is not a man who has anything good to offer your children. He will behave the same way with your daughter when she is older- controlling, possessive, abusive.

He will carry on, and get worse, if you don't challenge this right now.

Do the freedom programme, listen to your lawyer.

Call the police and let them decide if there is enough evidence to pass onto CPS. No solicitor fees necessary.

You need to go round every plug in your home, and see what it is used for.
Dust everything in your room and check.
Even check the car for a bug.
This man is stalking you.

You need to check everywhere for cameras. I wouldn't be surprised if he put one in your bathroom. Check all fans, vents etc.

He is stalking you. You need to press charges.

He absolutely is not a great dad!

In what ways do you think he is a great dad that are above and beyond the basics a child has the right to expect from a parent? Basics being spending time with them, meeting their needs financially, taking care of them, being a good role model (ha!) and so on.

Also, I bet you anything he pumps them for information and I wouldn't be surprised to learn he was speaking about you negatively when he is alone with them.

this is very disturbing this man sees you as an object which still belongs to him that's why he feels entitled to monitor you, behaving as if there's nothing wrong with what he's doing is just a tactic designed to break down your boundaries and reframe the situation in his favour.
This man is a manipulative predator and you should treat him as such, tread carefully always keep a safe distance, never trust him, always protect yourself from him.
he is not a good father

From what @yabadabadontdoit has posted I now recognise you from previous posts.

He is NOT a good dad.

OP, I knew a "great dad" who decided to place a camera in his DDs room because he wanted to see if she was having sex with a boyfriend (she was over 16).

He claimed it was a stupid mistake, that he didnt really watch her getting undressed etc.

He got 18 months, and is on the sex offenders register.

This is very serious and you have to take serious action. WHo cares about the fall out - you have not caused it, he has caused it with his ridiculous behaviour. If he gets done, it will not be down to you, it will all be his own fault.

Great Dad's don't abuse their dc's mothers. Turn this around. Imagine he was the primary carer, and you were trying every possible way to control his life and stress him out while he was doing that, and he was so afraid of you that he wouldn't risk getting the police involved over a gross and prolonged breach of his privacy. Would that make you a great parent?

You should go to the police before he has the chance to destroy evidence. He almost definitely has recordings.

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

You need to wake up.

You are failing your children right here.

He isn't a good father, he is an appalling father - a stalker, a voyeur and an abuser.

Cut the crap - you're scared of him and his reaction, that is utterly understandable but to weakly trot out the 'but he's a good dad, I don't want them to miss out' - fuck me, no.

Do you want to give your children the impression that this is excusable behaviour?

Do you want a son to grow up thinking that at some level, it's ok to harrass and stalk your partners because you really neeeeed to know what they're up to, up to and including setting cameras in their bedrooms? After all, that's what daddy did to Mum and she wasn't happy but hey, he was really upset?

Do you want a daughter to think that it's ok to be controlled and abused, stalked and watched by a boyfriend after watching and learning from your example?

Do you want either of them to watch and learn from this that it's much more important that pushy, creepy, sexually inappropriate Daddy have his criminal activities excused than it is for Mummy to feel safe in her own home?

I am sorry but if you had their long -term emotional health as a priority here you would be looking for any means to restrict and minimise the contact and influence this pervert has with them. He is damaging, full stop. Good fathers are not measured by trips to the park and bouncing on knees and smiley jokes. In fact, the fact that he doubtless does all this stuff at the same time as being a controlling sexual predator and a family abuser should be giving you the absolute horrors at him being allowed to continue his 'normal' relationship with them and possibly use them too as means of control while teaching them that it's ok, they should be on Daddy's side, Daddy loves you and that's why he needs to know allll about what Mummy is doing and what friends does she see... etc. etc.

You are absolutely failing them, properly failing them, putting them in harm's way, by not standing up to him and reporting him properly.

He should have supervised contact in his position as a stalker and voyeur. Simple as.

Good fathers

Good fathers are not this person. This is a bad father.

I don’t think you realise the danger this man poses to you and potentially your children. You really need to go the police even if it’s just for safety advice.

Your ex is NOT a lovely man who is upset at the split. Read back through what you’ve previously written. He sexually assaulted you when you were asleep, he pretended he was committing suicide to frighten you, and lied about it to the counsellor , he stalked you, he talked you into letting him in at 11pm and searched your house, he woke your children up in the middle of the night to drive over and check you were home, etc etc etc.

He needs a shock. He needs to know that you are not a thing he owns. Get the police to press charges.

Women's aid

Police

Court

Block him out if your life

Non- molestation court order.
!!!

Non molestation court order

Also record on your phone every communication with him from now on

OP, I feel as if in some sense you are flattered that he pays you such close attention?
I understand why it might feel like this but it's not because he cares about you it's because he wants to control and dominate you
he sees you as his property to do with as he sees fit, that means the ultimately he thinks he has the right to destroy you if it suits him