Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

237 replies

boymum9 · 05/02/2020 09:25

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

OP posts:
LangSpartacusCleg · 05/02/2020 10:29

This isn’t solicitor stuff. This is call the police stuff.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 10:32

I’d definitely call the police

turnandfacethenamechange · 05/02/2020 10:33

Jesus OP that's shocking

frazzledasarock · 05/02/2020 10:33

A solicitors letter does nothing but make the solicitor richer.

Report it to the police and press charges. What has he been doing with the footage, does he still have it?

Are there other cameras in the house?

Are your tech bugged?

Get this sorted properly. You are so massively under-reacting.

Oulu · 05/02/2020 10:33

Do you have to read his reactions or listen to him if he phones? I'd suggest you put a divert onto all his messages and emails so that they go into a separate file which is available if necessary for court proceedings but which means you don't have to read them unless or until you want to.

eddielizzard · 05/02/2020 10:34

Here's a handhold. You'll get through his reaction, you're right, he's very very wrong. The LAW is on YOUR side. Good luck, chin up, we're here Flowers

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 05/02/2020 10:35

Gobsmacked that your lawyer didn't encourage you to call the police, seems like an under reaction!

user14928465 · 05/02/2020 10:36

The fact that you're trying to reason with him rather than letting the police deal with him suggests you're still under his control.

He knows what he did was wrong, but blaming you and refusing to take responsibility is part of the abuse. Never mind the fact he's actually going to admit to criminal behaviour.

Stop engaging with him like this.

Original poster
boymum9 · 05/02/2020 10:36

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I haven't pressed charges with the police for a few reasons which I have discussed with my lawyer who has been great (even though she thinks it should be taken to the police she has given me other actions to take which mean if I do go to the police these things are already logged with the appropriate services) I know from the outside if I heard what he'd done to someone I would be saying to go to the police too, but everyone's individual circumstances are different so I have been very reluctant to. Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

His reason for the camera was that he believes I was lying to him, which we have differing opinion on, I don't (and neither does anyone else who knows the situation) think I was, we had been separated 3/4 months and I was seeing someone else, I wouldn't tell him if we were having sex (because it is none of his business) and so he thinks that by me not telling him everything I was doing I was lying to him, so he wanted to find out for himself.

OP posts:
CanIHaveATiaraPlease · 05/02/2020 10:37

Ex family solicitor here. I’d have advised going straight to the police for something as serious as this. A letter from me to men like him wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference.

user14928465 · 05/02/2020 10:37

I would also question how good your solicitor is that they didn't say the same and think sending a letter is an appropriate course of action for such a serious matter.

IntermittentParps · 05/02/2020 10:38

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

OP, I can't imagine how hard all this is for you, but he isn't a 'great dad' if he thinks it's OK to treat their mother like this.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/02/2020 10:39

I don't want to overreact, but I would be straight to the police. You and your children need protection, this is dangerous and very definitely criminal behaviour.

Stalkers and extremely controlling people don't change, I'm afraid. I have friends who have left the country because they can't shake their stalker. It seems to be a particularly persistent form of abuse.

Lweji · 05/02/2020 10:39

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

That's on him, not you.
Instead they have a father who thinks it's ok to put hidden cameras in their mother's bedroom.

His reason for the camera was that he believes I was lying to him, which we have differing opinion on, I don't (and neither does anyone else who knows the situation) think I was, we had been separated 3/4 months and I was seeing someone else, I wouldn't tell him if we were having sex (because it is none of his business) and so he thinks that by me not telling him everything I was doing I was lying to him, so he wanted to find out for himself.

That's not a reason. Why are you even attempting to explain it?
Did he have full access to the house then?

Original poster
boymum9 · 05/02/2020 10:40

Regarding the solicitor the letter I think was a last ditch attempt from her for me to take some action, she did advise police and other services immediately. I did actually try and get her to soften the language used in the letter to which to refused

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 10:40

Sorry but you are still minimising this. And rolling out the 'But he's a great dad...' line....

Jesus christ.

He has been secretly spying on his children's Mother. Yes, Dad of the year award right there.

He has been spying on you! Do you not feel violated? Angry? Upset?

Carry on like this and you are still letting him control you. Except now it's due to your choice. Please wise up and report him to the police.

UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 05/02/2020 10:40

He is not a great dad. He really isn’t. Great dads do not place spy cams in their ex’s bedroom. I cannot stress how outside the norm this is.

What exactly IS he going to have to do in order for you to go to the police?

Lweji · 05/02/2020 10:41

I did actually try and get her to soften the language used in the letter to which to refused
Why?
These men only understand one language, and that's them suffering the consequences of their actions.

user14928465 · 05/02/2020 10:41

His reason for the camera was that he believes I was lying to him, which we have differing opinion on, I don't...

That you would even entertain his "reasons" for this as if they offer mitigation or require consideration or explanation shows how deeply controlled you still are.

This is not a normal reaction. There is nothing that would remotely justify his actions.

Great dads do not abuse their children's mother and they don't stalk her, because great dads are modelling healthy relationships to their children and want the mother of their children to be happy and healthy so she can be the mum they need.

You can't protect your children appropriately while you are under his control and thinking his abuse is rational or acceptable. It's not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 10:42

I did actually try and get her to soften the language used in the letter to which to refused

???

Why are you paying someone to advise you and then ignoring their advice?

CorianderLord · 05/02/2020 10:42

Wow. Could you not cal the police? Nanny cams without consent are illegal in the UK. You can't even put one up to watch an actual nanny without letting them know let alone in your exes bedroom

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 05/02/2020 10:42

He wanted to find out for himself if you were sleeping with another person, whilst you were seperated from him? OP Sad that's seriously f*ed up, and escalated, stalking behaviour.

As a mother, you have a duty to keep your children safe. This needs to be reported to the police. I'm really sorry if this seems harsh but it's not normal behaviour.

messolini9 · 05/02/2020 10:43

Boymum, it's time to stop pretending that this split is amicable for the sake of our two children.

When you told your lawyer about the hidden camera - this insane invasion of privacy & frightening indication of a dysfunctional personality - why did your lawyer not tell you to report it to the police immediately?

I'm actually scared of his reaction, I decided to get a warning letter sent because he didn't seem to be taking what he'd done seriously
Of course you are.
He will laugh at your warning letter, & - apart from using it against you in some mad way - ignore its implications.
He will not "own" his actions of take you, your lawyer, or the consequences TO HIM of his behaviour seriously until you start throwing the full force of the law at him.

Stuff "amiable".
How "amiable" is it to spy on another human being?
Stuff "for the kids". I wouldn't want him anywhere near them. There is no going back from this OP, no playing happy families. I know it's complicated, & awkward, & scary.
But while you keep sending him the message that he is above the law & his treatment of you is without consequences, he is never going to stop tormenting you.

Or did they, but you hoped that a warning letter from a solicitor was the better option?

I can understand your fear. If ex is going to kick off about a warning letter from a solicitor about an illegal act which you both know he committed, then of course he's going to be even worse when you tell the police.
Can you not see that THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU NEED TO?

If your solicitor genuinely did not recommend you get straight on to the police, you need to sack them, & find one who knows what s/he is dealing with here.

If they did, but you ignored their advice - (& I do understand the fear, & the awful feeling that if we just keep things as mellow as possible, our abuser may be pacified) - you need to pay attention to PPs upthread telling you that this needs reporting, & for you to have some form of hotline, for instant recognition of your phone number, by your local cop shop.

LouHotel · 05/02/2020 10:45

What happens op when he has partial custody, do you have girls? How will he react when they have boyfriends, will he do the same to ensure their not having sex?

It’s because of your children you should follow with police action, imagine if he did have video of you having sex, no doubt he would have in acted revenge porn.

turnandfacethenamechange · 05/02/2020 10:45

OP GO TO THE POLICE 😥

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread