Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

Every single time you take the softly softly approach with a person like this, the message they receive is 'She doesn't dare stand up for herself.'

THIS.

You absolutely HAVE to press charges. This is so outrageous, there simply are no words!

As for your interactions with him:

1. Grey rock
2. "Talk to your solicitor"

I think a lot of the problem is I left him and he was desperately unhappy about that and then this behaviour ensued, and I feel a lot of guilt over that. I know his behaviour is far from normal and yes I'm angry and feel terribly violated, but I'm scared of the fallout of going to the police, I don't have an awful lot of support around me.

He did have free access to the house in respect that we both jointly own it, but I didn't know if he would have been in the house when I wasn't here, I have a camera out the back but not one that would detect anyone coming into the house, mid divorce and with the financial stuff not sorted out yet I can't afford to get one yet

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them

He is a shit dad as he is abusing the mother of his children.

I wouldn't tell him if we were having sex (because it is none of his business) and so he thinks that by me not telling him everything I was doing I was lying to him, so he wanted to find out for himself

So he decided the right course of action was to secretly film you and your new partner, and you just want to tip toe around this? Do you have any idea of how many people may have viewed that footage OP, do you have any idea of how many porn sites you may feature on? Do you have any idea of how abused you actually are by this man.

Please contact a domestic abuse support service in you area, you are underestimating how dangerous and abusive this man is. You are still trying to placate him, he is continuing to abuse you.

He sounds dangerous and has zero respect for you. I'd go to the police and draw a nice firm line.

Either stand up and show him what strong boundaries and repercussions look like, or have soft, weak boundaries that show him he's in control of you. I guess it's your call, but if you choose the latter, you'd better keep your eyes peeled.

Does you new partner know he's been secretly filmed as well.
He has every right to know, but something tells me you haven't told him?

He’s not a good dad

He’s treating their mother like this and causing more issues for them. That’s not a good dad.

Don’t let your children grow up into thinking minimising things is the answer

He is NOT a great dad!

Please get out of that mindset. Then you might be able to find the strength to go to the police.

Its the only way you're going to be free of hi actions

He terrifies you

He put a camera in your room to watch you, and wanted to watch if you had sex with someone

He’s completely in control of you

And you say he’s a wonderful father.

You know when your dc start treating you like dirt and bullying you and trying to control you. That will be learned behaviour. Learned from their ‘great dad’.

Go give the police and every agency your solicitor recommended.

Speak to women’s aid

Start the freedom programme.

You are unable to see the woods for the trees.

I'm scared of the fallout of going to the police

What fallout? You've already left him.

You cannot let him continue walking all over you. And change the bloody locks if he will not respect your privacy.

I completely see how you are hurting here and trying to do the best for your children, but he is NOT a great Dad. He is a man who installs secret cameras to spy on women having sex without their knowledge or consent (or not, as the case may be). This is 100% incompatible with being a great Dad. He is an abuser with all but completely absent boundaries or understanding of normal behaviour.

You really really don't need to protect him. He is adult who is making his own (poor) choices, and is the only one responsible for risking his relationship with his children.

OP you've tried to keep things nice which is honourable but I feel you are living in FOG ( Fear Obligation and Guilt).

It's time to put you and your children first. His behaviour is beyond the parameters of normal bastard ex territory. You are dealing with scary stuff here. Act now.

Oh darling, go to the police. It makes me feel ill the thought of someone watching while I'm in my bed. That is my ultimate safe place.

Please do not let him away with this.

You are going to need the Police at some point and they are going to have serious questions for you as to why you didn't contact them as soon as you found out.
They could have confiscated his computer with all the evidence but because you have sent him a solicitor's warning letter he will definitely have got rid of the evidence.
So the Police will not be able to do anything now anyway.

if your little sister came to you and told you what you have told us what would you advise her to do?

You know when your dc start treating you like dirt and bullying you and trying to control you. That will be learned behaviour. Learned from their ‘great dad’.

This. OP, please, talk to Women's Aid.

He is a horrible man and a terrible father/role model for the children. Please go to the police before his behaviour gets worse.

Also I don't want to scare you but he could've installed spyware on your pc which allows him access to everything you do on there and your phone. It's not far fetched and it does happen.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

I experienced a very similar situation a few years ago whilst going through a divorce but still living under the same roof.
He installed a camera in my room and would monitor my every move. I too took the softly softly approach, with my solicitor writing a letter rather than pressing charges.

The situation didn't improve; he did remove the camera but then upped the ante in other ways. He dyed my clothes with food colouring, stole my jewellery, locked me out of rooms in my home and more.....It was just horrific and the emotional and mental damage caused lives on, almost 10 years later.

In hindsight, I should have come down much harder, pressed charges and let him know in no uncertain terms his actions were not acceptable.
Instead, I tried to play fair, be understanding, think of the children...... basically rolled over and let it carry on.
My advice, don't do what I did!
Separation/Divorce is never great, but by being so accepting of such crap behaviour leaves you open to an even longer and more painful process.

Take control. Be firm and push forward to be free of him ASAP.
If you feel unsafe, seek assistance from Women's Aid or similar.

OP - you are seriously minimising your situation.
Your ex is not a "great dad".
Great dads don't stalk, install hidden cameras, or make their ex-wives so fucking terrified that they are begging their own lawyers to soften the language used in necessary letters.

Please don't feel I am scolding you. I have been in a similar situation, & the fear & dread of signing off some of the letters (let alone the injunction) was appalling.
But you need to understand this - appeasing your abusive, controlling ex will not make him easier to deal with.
The ONLY 2 things that will make him easier to deal with are:

1. the full force of the law for EVERY abusive, controlling & illegal act
2. you STOP DEALING WITH HIM.

He has just handed you the perfect excuse reason on a plate.
"ex, your behaviour with the camera is illegal & unacceptable & you are not to contact me on any matter unrelated to childcare again."
Then use suggestions from PP upthread in how to manage that.
Through your lawyer initially, I would suggest having now caught up with how she has been advising you (correctly! start LISTENING to her OP!)

& above all, this:

If you have to speak to him at all eg at child drop off then if he starts I would put a hand up ad say something like “this is not up for discussion, your behaviour was criminal and unacceptable.” Practice in the mirror.

Get practicing OP.
and do this - freedomprogramme.co.uk/
You really need to wake up to the fact that you are ALLOWED to live your own life, free of this man's vile control.
Please do the programme.

Has a professional throughly searched the house for other recording devices? I find it highly unlikely there is only one.
You are an idiot for not pressing charges. You are basically telling him his behaviour is acceptable and all he is getting is a strongly worded letter.
What does he have to do for you to actually press charges if this is ok?
He is an ex for a reason - press charges and protect you and your children.

OP I totally get it and this thread had really bought a lump to my throat. My stbxh is manipulative, childish and unkind- and although I know it's true, I still feel guilty writing those words down now. I have been really unwise in the divorce proceedings (gave him everything) because I pitied him, and felt bad, and like your ex, I always think I'm doing it for the kids.
However, I'm starting to realise that I'm being a doormat nice because it's a continuation of the dynamic of our relationship. Trying to be the good one, do the right thing by everyone. I have tried to be noble, but it's because he trained me to be that way.

Also, my kids are not really learning good lessons from me here. I'm teaching them that niceness equals weakness, and fairness equals him getting away with treating me badly, and still getting all the marital assets.

In every situation, ask yourself- what lesson is my action teaching the children? They may not know the whole situation now, but they will. I think you have to always take the action that you'd want them to take if they were ever in that situation- because chances are, they will mirror you.

His reason for the camera was that he believes I was lying to him

Never mind what he thinks about your words.
Think about why you are exchanging words with his at all.

FFS boymum.
Apart from still living in the marital home, he hasn't let go of you at all, has he?
When are you going to realise that you are not responsible for his feelings & actions?
Until you do that, you are not letting go of him either, because you are still allowing him to control you.
You are still making excuses for his behaviour.
You are still enabling him to commit a criminal act FFS - & not get prosecuted for it.
Why would you do that?

Look - here's why he does what HE does - read it, understand it, & start raising boundaries TODAY.
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Sorry, but a hidden camera would send me straight to the police and pressing charges. You say he seems not to be taking it seriously, neither would I if I'd hidden a camera in someone's home and all they did was send me a solicitor's letter. I'd be laughing that I got off so lightly! You don't seem to be taking it very seriously yourself by not pressing charges.

Please let the police know, this man seems like a stalker. You need to be safe above everything else

He's not any kind of dad either treating you like this

You absolutely need to go to the police about this. That camera would not just have been spying on you but on your children also! This is not the action of a 'great Dad'. This is absolutely appalling and disgusting behavior and this man needs stopping. Please go to women's aid and the police.