Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

Don't waste your money on a solicitor's letter, they are meaningless. They carry about as much weight as if your next door neighbour had written one ie no legal standing whatsoever. Go straight to the police.

If I were acting for you and you'd not gone to the police (as your solicitor told you to) I would decline to continue acting for you.

Listen to your solicitor and go to the police. Stop with the 'great dad' stuff. He's terrorising you. And please please stop seeing yourself as deserving of this.

So your more concerned about his reaction to the solicitors letter than him secretly filming you for a year. On reading your posts it looks like your solicitor tried to get you to go to the police and you refused.....not sure the point in posting as you know your ex will be angry, your not willing to follow your solicitors advice ...you should have reported him to the police

Call the police about the camera.

You have a lot of physical checking of your home to do because really tiny cameras that can be hidden in household objects are remarkably cheap.

You need to replace your (Android) smartphone if he's ever had physical access to it, as some stalkerware survives even having the operating system replaced. Apple, you need to reset it and change your Apple account password, and don't automatically restore all the apps but go through them by hand. Have your computer checked for hardware keyloggers and replace the operating system. Change all your passwords. Bin or wipe any electronic devices he gave to your kids, because they are being used to spy on you. When your kids go to see him, they must leave all their devices at home.

And change the physical locks if you haven't already done so.

A neighbour went to the police her OH had put a tracker on her car. He got three months inside. They were not even separated. Please go to the police.

You need to go to the police. His behaviour is dangerous. This is not a good person, or a good father. The freedom programme will help you understand your own reaction and why it's not right. But you cannot let this stalker get away with destroying your privacy dignity and self respect. He doesn't own you. You are not his possession to do with as he wishes.

Sadly I think everyone is wasting their breath. It's quite clear OP isn't coming back, or going to the police.

If he can plant a camera in your room then you can't reason with him and he is beyond any normality in a divorce situation.
You've got to get the police involved to establish some sort of line between you and him that he can't cross.

He's not 'desperately unhappy' that his wife has left him. He's 'desperately unhappy' that he has lost his victim. Women who will put up with abuse can be very hard to find and even harder to 'train', you know. Abusers go to great lengths and use vile tactics to keep their victims, as you have found out.

You've done a very brave thing in ending the marriage. Now, do an even braver thing and make him face the consequences of his own actions. In the end it will be worth it because he will learn that you are not to be messed with!!

Consider counseling. You need to learn to face your fears and stop living with them shadowing you. And others are right, you need to have your house and devices 'swept' for other bugs and/or cameras. And your car checked for a tracking device. Does he still have free access to your home?

You say you're afraid of 'his reaction' of a nasty email? Then don't read it. Send it directly to the trash. Or better yet, forward it to your solicitor to include in your file. But if you're afraid of something more serious like violence or harassment, that's even more of a reason to tell the police to proceed.

Not enough shit is about to hit the fan!!

He's going to get a polite note from your solicitor.

He should be getting a knock on the door from the police.

Good grief what a wanker! Nothing justifies that.

How did you find the camera?

Op you being incredibly naive. He is not a good father to those children.
Absolutely sickening.

Once this awful man can’t get to you anymore, the only thing he’ll have left to hurt you with is those children, he sounds like he won’t stop at nothing- do you not realise the harm you’re bringing to your children not dealing with this properly?

Wake up.

I’m saying that in the kindest way.

You may have ended your relationship but he still has a hold of you and the only people who will suffer now are your children.

I'm not not coming back @MrsMelanieHamilton there's just a lot of take in and read and I have young children so haven't had a chance to look back through the most recent posts just the last few, so will do that now. It's quite horrible to read things like "wake up" and ridiculing me for how I'm trying to deal with stuff, it's hard enough as it is. I just needed some kind words and support in what has been a really awful time

OP, people don't mean to ridicule you but – I mean this in the nicest way – you do need a serious wake-up call. Please heed people's concern, and seek real-life advice and support; you've been given some good suggestions.

I would voice record it and ask him why he hid a camera in your room. Get as much admission as you can as proof. Then you can decide where to take it. if he accuses you of recording him, well he did that and more.

You are underreacting OP. Sorry this is really bad. Get the police involved. Why protect him from the consequences of his appalling behaviour?

OMG, sending you lots of support, OP.

Please report to the police to protect yourself and your family, as this PP says:

If this is all logged with the police, drop them an email just to let them know that ex is receiving a "cease and desist" letter today - they will know to respond immediately if anything escalates.

Nobody intends to ridicule you, but you do need to react more strongly to this.
We are worried about you.

Talking about what a good dad he is and that being a reason to not pursue things with the police... Do you perhaps feels guilt about leaving and upsetting the children's family? And you don't want to make it any worse for them by getting their father arrested? Maybe it's not the case, I just thought it might explain why you are minimising his (criminal) behaviour.

The whole thing sounds horrendous for you . That said, I don't think ignoring the severity of his behaviour is going to do you or your children any favours. Things like this tend to spiral if they are not clipped quickly - he has done something outrageous and is not getting an outraged response. That sends the message that you think it's acceptable for him to do dreadful things to you.

If you're not ready for the police then could you at least hang fire with the warning letter and try and give yourself a few days to psych yourself up to possibly reporting it? Is there a friend you can talk it through with?

The other person does know

Yes @SleepWarrior what you said at the beginning is how I'm feeling

@boymum9. He has you on camera naked without your consent. I assume he also has you on camera having sex too. Your partner or the person you were having sex with didn’t consent to that and neither did you. He (assuming a he) needs to be told he has been filmed as he has the right to report to the police.

I do understand when you say you don’t want to upset the children if something happened to him (prison / restraining order etc) but he needs to be report. He has committed several offences and now he has you naked and having sex on video he could post these online committing even more offences.

As a former police officer I urge you to report it. As a man I urge you to report him. As a father I urge you to report him! He needs to be held to account for his actions and ensure all footage is destroyed!

OP I don’t think anyone is ridiculing you. Everyone’s really shocked by how much you are not reacting.

You even told your solicitor to be nicer in her letter.

What’s the point of a solicitors letter?

What’s the point of sending a nice solicitors letter?

I think those of us who have been in abusive relationships in the past can see this ending very badly for you and your dc.

You need to get your dc away from this man. He is not a good father at all. He is not a nice person, he is not a good person. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy or kindness. Save that for your babies.

If you want to laugh at someone being pathetic, try me.

When I left abusive ex, he was very abusive, for weeks after I’d finally got him out of my life my two year old would show any guests around pointing out ‘mummy’s blood’, here’s mummy blood, here’s mummy’s blood, the trail went from hallway, through dining room into garden. Took ages for the marks to disappear. This gives you a picture of the level of abuse.

Anyway, the police put the bastard on bail with conditions that he not approach me.

I felt so sorry for him, that when he came for his things, pre-arranged by the police, I had washed and ironed all his clothes and neatly folded them!

Now I look back at the ridiculously stupid me and wish she’d shoved the clothes in bin liners, scattered hand fulls of cress seeds amongst them and pissed in it. Before handing the bag of clothes over.