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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 50/50 is reasonable

230 replies

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:08

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

OP posts:

ChazP · 04/02/2020 20:14

50/50 can work but communication needs to be absolutely excellent so that nothing gets missed (eg bringing ingredients/costumes etc to school). And some kids do function better with a primary home. Others are happy to spend one week on one week off with each parent. Partly depends on availability of each parent to do school runs etc.

A “conventional” arrangement is for kids to live with one parent, but to see the other parent one day every week (sometimes that can be an overnight stay) and then stay every other weekend. Holidays are normally divided equally and Christmases alternated.

But one size never fits all!

Reginabambina · 04/02/2020 20:17

50/50 has the potential to be really disruptive. It would work well in a nesting set up or if the periods were longer (e.g. a week at a time rather than one day here next day there). I would want to avoid 50/50 where children were in between houses during the week though.

doesthissoundok · 04/02/2020 20:18

Having worked with children and young people for many years, I would say that 50/50 really doesn't work for the vast majority. Children who have one, main home with a competent, loving parent who facilitates regular contact with the other parent seem to be more secure, stable, organised and less likely to struggle. Not a view which many people in my line of work feel happy to say in public, but most seem to agree behind closed doors.

MrsJoshNavidi · 04/02/2020 20:19

It's such a shame for children to be moved around between houses, whatever the arrangement. It must be difficult for them to make after school friends and go to clubs etc. I'd hate it as an adult if I had to change home every few days.

anon1911 · 04/02/2020 20:19

I tried this when I divorced my ex. It was awful for our daughter even though we both genuinely tried to make it work. She was completely unsettled, referred to “mummy’s house” or “daddy’s house” and never used the word home. We tried our absolute best for almost a year and then changed to every other weekend and more time in the holidays. Our daughter immediately settled-it was surprising to see the instant change. She’s 20 this year and has a great relationship with us both, as well as her stepdad who has been part of her life for 15 years. All children are different, it will vary so much child to child and relationship to relationship. What’s key is the child’s needs come first.

pollyputthepastaon · 04/02/2020 20:20

50/50 means the children don’t actually have a home. They love like nomads between two houses. Where are all their toys/favourite books/teddy bears/favourite jumper etc. Or do they cart suitcases around with them constantly and live out of a case? Packing their entire life up every week.

Children need a home and then access to see the other parent in a custody arrangement. But they need a primary residence.

PatellarTendonitis · 04/02/2020 20:20

It's the norm in a lot of other Western places.

ItchySeveredFoot · 04/02/2020 20:21

Me and my dsis did 50/50. We liked it. Our parents did only live 1 street apart though and we were surrounded by lots of family on the same streets. Our step brothers also did 50/50 so all the kids were at my dad and step mums at the same time.
The problem when 50/50 doesn't work is that who gets them for more time? In your case your husband obviously wouldn't be happy with once a week and nor should he.

TooTrusting · 04/02/2020 20:21

I agree that 50:50 is very often the worst of both worlds. But it's become the norm in court now. Very sad.

Original poster

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:22

How then would a judge decide where the child does live majority of the time?

Again this is based on 2 equally suitable parents. Would it automatically defer to the mum?

OP posts:

ItchySeveredFoot · 04/02/2020 20:22

polly I had favourite dad's house toys and favourite mum's house toys. Never felt like I didn't have a home I had two

KaleidoscopeEyes · 04/02/2020 20:23

We have a week each, and have done for quite a few years now. Ds has 2 homes, 2 lots of everything, and has always seemed ok with the arrangement. He has 2 completely different lives tbh! Exh and I parent different so he sort of gets the best of both worlds. Works for us.

ItchySeveredFoot · 04/02/2020 20:24

It's not supposed to defer to the mum although some bias probably still exists. In our case my mum did eventually have to move away and they went to court. Ultimately the asked me and my sister and put us where we wanted to be. Although they did look at all factors.

Original poster

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:25

@ItchySeveredFoot

Your right, my husband would fight tooth and nail for 50/50, I personally would (hypothetically) prefer the children to have a main base and the other parent have set days but also visit regularly....but then what parent gets to have the base?

OP posts:

Wishforsnow · 04/02/2020 20:26

I think 50/50 is just so horrible for the child. They are constantly moving. They always say one of the biggest stresses for adults is moving house and the child is doing it every few days. OK no financial stress but different rules in each house missing their stuff from the other one. It must be so hard on them.

Original poster

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:26

@KaleidoscopeEyes

When it’s your week off do you get to pop over and see them or do you keep it pretty set that it’s your week off and therefore you don’t see them?

OP posts:

ItchySeveredFoot · 04/02/2020 20:27

It's a really tough thing to think about. I hope you don't ever have to go through it! Or me! My dp would also want them as much as possible.

doesthissoundok · 04/02/2020 20:27

He has 2 completely different lives
That sounds incredibly unsettling.

user1487194234 · 04/02/2020 20:29

I think 50:50 sounds good in theory but practically can be very disruptive for DC IME

JustMarriedBecca · 04/02/2020 20:31

My in-laws had a great strategy. Sleep overs would be every other weekend but FIL would pick up from school, do clubs and playdates, give dinner twice a week etc but kids would still sleep at Mother's Mon-Friday.

carly2803 · 04/02/2020 20:34

ithink 50-50 is awful. Kids need routine and a base

i also think those who discuss it arnt actually in the position to sadly have to decide about custody!

fatandshatteredfairy · 04/02/2020 20:39

I would imagine it also depends on the age of the children and work patterns. I have 2 under 3, currently on maternity leave and go back to work and uni in September. I do the majority of the childcare but me and dp work around each other's schedules and hopefully, if we ever split, it would be amicable enough that we could continue this.

He works shifts so it wouldn't be possible for him to do 50/50 and the nursery days fit around my schedule where he picks up the slack on my late days. I'd imagine for a lot of families these days who don't work a standard 9-5 this would factor in

Original poster

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:39

i also think those who discuss it arnt actually in the position to sadly have to decide about custody!

Slightly passive aggressive but nonetheless I’m exceptionally lucky at the moment to not need to think about this and feel truly sorry for any parent that has to, ive watched a friend go through it and it almost broke her.

OP posts:

Original poster

starlight86 · 04/02/2020 20:41

@fatandshatteredfairy

Goof point re shift work. My and DH are 9-5 workers Monday to Friday so I guess that could complicate things.

OP posts:

Tyersal · 04/02/2020 20:41

Interestingly my OHs kids refer to mummy's house and daddy's house even though they are only here one night a week. I've always found that odd

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