To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

@Brefugee I can see that really working for the kids - expensive though!

We did 50/50. It worked fine until DD started school, and meant we could both work. Once she started school it was impossible, because it would mean tying both of us adults down to the same location for the next 13 years, or sending children away to boarding school as young as possible. Career progression, new relationships (him, not me), finances ... There are various reasons why you'd have, or at least want to, move. But if both of you have got to be within easy distance of the same schools, you're stuck. Ex-h had already moved away by preschool, so the decision was made for us.

50/50 is not great for the kids. It’s tough for them to remember stuff for school etc when going between houses. It’s also difficult for them to fit in with each parent ie rules of the house, attitudes, new partners etc.

@Booboostwo you have failed to appreciate that abuse can be hard to prove/cafcass have a track record of ignoring clear evidence of abuse.

#thecourtsaid

@Lightline they have to do those things with any kind of split that’s not unique to 50/50.

My and ex share DC 50/50. Works great for us. Kids are not affected negatively in any way shape or form.

This thread is really interesting. I see that there are more cases of nesting than I thought. I'm guessing that and 50/50 are a lot of work and that it wouldn't work for all families.

@moochew - the article I saw about it they made the point that they were both high earners with family wealth behind them. And they broke up on good terms.

50 50 can work very well especially if the parents live near each other and the school etc. Probably less'disruptive' than homes where both parents live unhappily together

@starlight86

Your post is focused on what’s fair for you as parents, not what’s best for your children. Children should never be treated like an asset to be “split down the middle”. If a 50:50 arrangement works, then great, but it should be because it works best for the children, not because it’s a fair distribution between the parents. This all makes me think of the proverb of Solomon and the baby.

Surely the point of custody arrangements is what is best for the child? Many DC will go to their DM as they are usually seen as the main carer. Hence the "Justice for Fathers " group.The point is there are very few winners in this situation . I would be grateful if you are happy ATM and enjoy it !

It’s fair for children to have equal time with both their parents.

We did 70/30 in my favour plus exh collected ds from school 2 nights a week for tea, I stayed at my new partner's the time ds was with his dad & was able to see him the day ds was picked up by his dad & get home in time for him to be dropped off.

I would think whats best for the kids in many cases is to see both parents equally

For those of you who do 50/50, one parent must be a lower earner, do they get any child maintenance? Or I presume not? Also child benefit must be split?

NeverTwerkNaked in what way have I failed to appreciate that? National guidelines have to be in place to guide judges who then make decisions also based on individual circumstances. Which system works in cases where there is abuse but cannot be proven?
None. People who have been abused by their Ex but don't have sufficient proof for the courts, and have Exs who seek custody are in a horrific situation regardless of the custody split. It has nothing to do with 50;50, you'd have the same problems with abuse at 60;40 or 80;20. The problem is the abuse and the lack of sufficient evidence for the court, and no custody arrangement, other than no contact which courts won't order without proof, will deal with the abuse issue.

Studies into custody arrangements and their effects exclude cases where there is abuse and neglect, exactly because of the problems the abuse and neglect causes by itself. But national guidelines cannot be made up on the assumption that every or most families involve abuse and neglect because they just don't. National guidelines are drawn up on the majority of cases, working on evidence for the most part and are adjusted based on specific circumstances in the courts. This applies to everything, not just custody.

I would think whats best for the kids in many cases is to see both parents equally

In reality with parents who are together, most children don’t see parents equally though. Although she is in the same house as ex-H slightly less than she was, DD actually gets more time with him because he’s always present when she’s at his house.

Every set of individual circumstances, taking the DC and parents in to account, will be different. Whatever is best for the DC has to be the right answer

It’s not about what’s fair for Mum or Dad. You are looking at it all wrong, it’s about what is fair for the child. There is a lot of research that 50/50 can be very disruptive to children due to not really having a base to call home.

There is also alot of research that says conflict in the marital home disrupts children's lives.

windycuntryside link? Because I can't find any. There are a lot of opinion pieces, especially from people from countries where 50:50 is rare, but actual research suggests that 50:50 has very good outcomes for the children.

Here's a metastudy of 40 studies:
www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2014.965578?scroll=top&needAccess=true

Another of 19 studies:
www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10502556.2016.1185203

And here is a discussion of how the legal focus has changed and why:
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/fcre.12086

And there is a hell of a lot of research that states children do best with a loving relationship with BOTH parents. So the real question is how to best facilitate that? I fail to see how you can maintain a good relationship with your child/ren if you only see them eow. Which is probably why mums wouldn't accept it!

Which leaves my original question - what arrangement facilitates this other than 50 50? I am genuinely interested in others experiences as I'm considering changing ours to alternate weeks with a midweek overnight. Which, believe me, would not be what either parent wants but might be better for the dc in our case.

I read somewhere that if both parents don't get exactly what they want, that's probably the best arrangement for the kids.

So the real question is how to best facilitate that? I fail to see how you can maintain a good relationship with your child/ren if you only see them eow

Ex-H sees DD 5 nights out of 14 which includes every other weekend. The nights become full days in holidays but as I said the time she is with ex-H, he is present. If she were with him more she would have been in childcare anyway due to his work.

I would disagree with the poster that said 50/50 means they don't have a home.

My children have two homes and two of pretty much everything they need. Two wardrobes. Two sets of toys. Two happy loving parents that share the burden of parenting/schooling/after school clubs.

I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex. He has other children so that was another important factor for us as our children get to spend time with their siblings.

We live in close proximity so can call in if needed.

We refer to our homes as "home" so neither is seen as the primary home. Just they have two lovely homes.