To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

I was a 50/50 child constantly trekking school work and equipment back and forth. My parents also parented very differently and I was constantly getting into trouble because I got the rules mixed up in my head.

I personally think 50/50 can only work in a meeting situation. Some children may be able to cope with moving around but most I think need a stable home.

It seems fundamentally unfair to me that the adults who made the decision to break up get to live in permanent homes but the children get pushed around.

Bil had 50/50 and it worked well. He and his exw live fairly close by so it's not been too difficult. Also both parents got weekend time to go out and stuff.

@WeHaveSnowdrops what experience do you actually have?
Clearly none of parenting my child who recently, with all the sense of righteousness a pre-teen can muster, wanted to know why her dentist didn’t have both her addresses on her records. She actually does more like 70/30 because I do a lot of 6/7 weeks during holidays, but any given week can be more 50/50. She couldn’t tell you she does 70/30 - she doesn’t count - neither do I, as it happens. She would guess about 50/50 though. She has 2 homes, 2 bases. She has everything she wants if both places - including a loving parent. Why is 3-4 days a week somewhere that you feel you live, better than 1-2 days a week better than somewhere that you visit? Shorter time at her dad’s could actually make her miss her base, instead of feeling she has two. And yes, as I’ve said upthread, as an adult I’ve moved between locations in the week.

For those advocating nesting, how does that work when half or step siblings are involved? And before anyone tells me I shouldn’t have complicated my family further after divorce, I didn’t - the stepsister is on my XH’s side. So if we nested so that my daughter lived in one home, then her stepsister would be the one moving between her stepdad’s house and her stepsister’s house

XH and I have 50/50 but it was court ordered 7 years ago I didn't want that for DD but here we are.
She does though have 2 homes with all her own stuff at both and always has had.
However she doesn't like all the moving about and with secondary school starting in sept I think we might have to look at other arrangements. Her new school will be 5 mins walk from me ( moved here 2 yrs ago for the school ) but 30 mins drive from her dads.
He will fight tooth and nail for no change bug has always been of the mindset that as a parent he is entitled to 50/50.

Link to the abstract of the study I mentioned earlier: www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10502556.2017.1325648

Arrangements after a split are supposed to keep things as similar as possible for the child as before the spilt. So 50/50 is only appropriate if childcare before the split was 50/50.

I think 50/50 comes under attack here because there are a lot of mothers here who wouldn't want to be without their child half the time. However you'll notice when there's a thread about a useless husband, posters encourage the poster to gleefully tell him he'll "have to" have 50/50 care and any father who doesn't is villified and branded a Disney dad.

My son's father unfortunately isn't very interested or involved. However the families I know irl with 50/50 care do very well, some are adults now and have voiced opinions when this issue comes up. It's seen as a positive by the children. They know they are loved by both parents and get 2 homes/2 bedrooms/2 lots of toys/2 birthdaysand Christmases and therefore double the presents! In these cases the parents ensured they lived close by so it's easy. The children certainly don't feel like they were moved from pillar to post, they want to see both parents.

Banivani the problem is that study (rightly) highlights the need for the parents to be amicable. Where that exists and everything is about making sure the children’s needs are met and it runs smoothly and we 365 days a year an arbitrary 50/50 would be silly. It’s fine

Applying it in cases like indie Tara where it’s not about the DD but the dads need to have his share it doesn’t work.

Ellisandra it’s not that I don’t like 50/50 it just I believe the system should have the child at the centre of figuring out the best schedule not one parents need to have the same time. As you yourself say it’s end up not being exactly 50/50

We do 50/50 or 60/40 depending on my DSC mums work pattern. It works really well for us. The kids are excited to come stay and equally excited to back to their DMs. We live in the same village. We have good routines and everyone knows what's everyone else is doing. Nightly communication regarding school and extra curricular activities. We all pitch in when required and the kids couldn't be happier.

I had an amicable divorce from my ex husband, we are good friends. He's a great dad.

We do not do 50/50. DS was only 10 months when we split up and we both agreed that he needed stability in his childhood. For us that meant one home "base" and going to the other parent's house for overnights, rather than constantly trekking between 2 homes.

Another factor is my ex's job. He is a train driver and works unsociable hours, including weekends and late nights, so 50/50 really isn't practical for us. I work office hours so it was agreed that I was to be the RP and exh would have DS overnight on his days off work. Works out to 3 or 4 nights a month. Ex pays me maintenance £500pm.

As DS gets older into his teen years we will let him take the lead in how much time he wants to spend at either house. If he wants to go to his dad's more often, when he is old enough to be left alone while his dad is at work I will be happy with that.

A discussion surrounding contact should start on a 50/50 basis. That doesn’t mean it should necessarily be a 50/50 split for every example.

We don’t do 50/50 - it works for us, but more importantly it works for DD. If at any time the schedule stops working for DD then we change it, however difficult that is for either me or her dad.

It helps massively that we are amicable and live in the same village.

We started out as 50/50, but ExP then moved in with his new partner - 90 minutes away from where the DC go to school, so it's become EOW now because it was ridiculous that they had so much travelling time, and were away from their friends, clubs, etc. So now I am 'home' and his place is 'Dad's'. It works well, but I will always resent him for putting his wants above their needs.

Quartz Sure - I'm just linking to it as a study that has actually studied the results of 50/50 as opposed to people having firm beliefs or whatever. I know a fair few families where the split was not amicable (not violent/abusive, just not amicable) but since 50/50 is the norm here that is how they set it up anyway and it works. It might however be more stressful for the children in the long run compared to amicable splits, but then living with just one parent and minimal contact with the other isn't exactly always a recipe for success either. It's hard to say, because if the norm for children in divorces is 50/50 then a lot of their friends live like that too and I think feeling normal/abnormal also makes a difference to how you feel.

It's such a shame for children to be moved around between houses

I remember reading a few years ago about a case where the children didn't move. They stayed in the primary home and the parents lived very locally and shared the house. So the child stayed put and the parents moved in and out. I think they were obviously well off, most of us couldn't afford three homes but it's one solution!

50/50 seems to be the norm here in Norway, at least it is among the seperated parents I'm aware of. The child/ren spend 1 week in one house then go to the other house for the next, and so on and so forth. Usually the handover is done on a monday where 1 parent delivers the child/ren and the other collects them. It seems to work out! No situation is perfect, some people are sceptical to if it's the best way to do things but it is the generally accepted way to do it for the moment.

I like to think I'd accept 50/50, I'd miss my kids but my DH is an amazing dad and he'd miss them too.

Really interesting to hear other peoples arrangements.

Obviously hoping Im never in the situation but its nice to know that 50/50 can work in the right situation. We are not unreasonable people and if we could see that perhaps its wasn't working we would look at more of a "base" type agreement.

However deciding whos the base would potentially be a fight/lengthy discussion.

@cologne4711 I have friends who do this :) They own a flat together and rent another together and whichever parent is having their access week stays at the flat they own with their child. They are however ridiculously amicable and super good friends, otherwise I suspect it wouldn't work due to privacy isssues.

It works for some, generally when parents are very amicable and live very close by. Others find it too disruptive

Ps my kids are grown so got to decide their loyalties, neither will currently stay with their dad, as the house arrangements are changing, I'm wondering if they will be like that with me as I'm moving away and their dad is buying me out

@Ellisandra

@WeHaveSnowdrops what experience do you actually have?

40 years in teaching.

You are wealthy enough to have both homes equipped with everything the DC needs. What about parents who aren't in that privileged position? What about DCs who only get access to a laptop and the internet every other week because Mum can't afford it?

Or have to share a bed because Dad can't afford one each?

A couple I know separated and have recently divorced.
They have one family home and its the parent who moves on and out depending on whose fortnight it is. I think this is a much fairer system for all concerned.
Whilst there maybe laws that exist to make things fairer, there is still huge bias females in the family courts, which are easily abused by unscrupulous parents.

WeHaveSnowdrops I am not sure I get your argument. Of course some parents will not be able to afford to provide exactly the same things in both homes but how is that relevant? In 50:50 they both provide the most fundamental thing, themselves as parents. A computer doesn’t really compare with a father. An EOW father has a completely different experience of parenting than a 50:50 father.

Not sure why you have trouble understanding that a lot of parents' circumstances are not as privileged as yours.

They cannot afford to equip 2 homes with everything a DC needs, better to have one well equipped home. DCs need computers for homework.

Your DD is happy with the arrangement, my experience with many more DCs than just one is that the vast majority aren't happy. They want one home.

@Cheeseandwin5 while it would be nice for the children to stay put and the parents move in and out, in reality on divorce there is barely enough money in the pot to finance 2 households, never mind 3.

Are you suggesting the family courts are biased towards the mother? In England and Wales fathers who want more than eow get it unless there is a very good reason why not. The perception of bias tends to come from many fathers not pursuing access, rather than not being granted it.