To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

My young cousins are in a 50/50 week on week off arrangement. They change over on a Friday night, so one parent picks up from school Friday night and then the next week the other parent picks up from school on Friday and has them for a week. They're 6 and 4. I would hate it personally but they seem to cope. They speak to the other parent every night via facetime/skype and go to their other home for tea on Wednesdays (so one week with mum then next dad). The parents also spend Christmas and New Year together (switching homes depending on whose week it is).

I couldn't do that for my DC. But then I also don't like the arrangement I have with my Ex. Dc goes 1 night for tea and EOW. No contact between with my Ex and the week where it's my weekend DC goes 7 days without seeing or speaking to Ex and they get so confused. They're 5.

So I don't know. I think it can work in the right circumstances. My cousins love having two homes.

I think 50:50 can be very unsettling for most kids. I agree they need a main home. Usually this should be with the parent who did most of their care up until now - not just in terms of time, but who knows who their teachers and friends are, takes them to their hobbies, who they feel safe with. It’s usually obviously who that is.

Many people do 9/14 and 5/14 which seems to work well - so eow and every Wednesday with the “non resident” parent. It’s fine to be flexible if you have that kind of relationship.

One size really doesn’t fit all. It can depend on what jobs the parents work and where people live and the kids themselves. My ex chose to only have our kids EOW in the end (thankfully as he’s useless) but if he had wanted them 50/50 it wouldn’t have worked for a multitude of reasons including our youngest child’s SEN- he needs routine and stability and he wouldn’t have that if he’s splitting his time between 2 houses that operate completely differently. Practically it wouldn’t have worked out either.

Most children I know who’s parents aren’t together don’t split their time 50/50. They spend most of their time with one parent (mum). In theory yeah 50/50 is “fair” for both parents but fairness for parents should never be the priority- what’s right for the children should be.

How then would a judge decide where the child does live majority of the time?

It depends on lots of issues which a good judge would explore with the help of CAFCASS. Age of children and their wishes, routine prior to separation, working patterns of both parents, special needs of the child and proven ability to manage these, distance living from school, involvement of new partners (speed of introduction), ability of parents to successfully co-parent....

In theory yeah 50/50 is “fair” for both parents but fairness for parents should never be the priority- what’s right for the children should be.

This with great big jangling bells on. Fair has nothing to do with it. It's about what's best for the children, who had no choice about being born and no say in their world being torn apart. They're not a marital asset to be divided down the middle.

When my dad split with my step mum they had split custody of my half sister. Change over day was a Wednesday and all works well but they did split fairly amicably so if odd days need to be changed there's some flexibility.

Yep my biggest problem with 50/50 (and that isnt to say it doesnt work in some cases) is that it put the parents front and centre. It looks at fairness and equality for them. Custody should never be about what is right/fair/equitable for the parents. It should be having the children front and centre and working out what contact arrangement ensures that they are stable and secure and are made to move from pillar to post but also that they spend time with and have good relationships with both parents. As well as a consistent schedule including activities. Personally 9/5 for me makes the most sense
50/50 for me is arbitrary and doesnt take into account life

As long as both parents work for the best of the children then most types of living arrangements should work well. Sadly in too many cases the acrimony of the split seems to make co-parenting take a back seat to making the other parent's life a misery.

50/50 isn't shown to be good for kids in most instances. Children end up feeling like they don't have a home. It's unsettling for them.

In most families one parent spends more time with the children. That's the parent the children should live with but with regular contact with their other parent and depending on their age a couple of overnights a week.

It sounds like a modern Judgment of Solomon, if 50/50 isn't in the interests of the child it is likely to be the parent who cares more who sacrifices their time.

I think it doesn’t work for most kids because parenting wasn’t 50/50 before the split.

I always wonder why a parent who only did 5 or 10% for years suddenly wants to do 50/50. People who haven’t worried about fairness and rights of children / the other parent suddenly become obsessed by their own rights.

It’s a mystery.

We are doing 60/40 but no I dont think it is best for my child. Between 2 homes and we really don't get on and he will not co parent. The courts say differently now unfortunatley and go for shared care. Only until they start school though as live in different areas.

I have friends who it did work for. But the DC were older, upper end of secondary school IIRC and it was their decision.

I have a slightly different set up in that my dc live pretty much 50/50 with my mum and me. This is because I work 3 days per week at 15+ hours and its easier for the DC to stay at my Mums than it is for her to go back and forth from her house to mine. This only works because there is no animosity between my mum and I, and we have to have a lot of communication. We both get emails from school and have a shared online calendar for important events. It is funny when she asks me if I can 'babysit' sometimes

I could never do 50/50 with their dad because he's a twunt he refuses to speak civilly to me, or communicate at all some weeks

my kids do 40/60, it really works for us. i get on well with exdp and we are in contact most days re school admin.

my kids would be devastated not to see their dad or me so regularly, we have a calendar so they know where they are and when asthetics days are around my 3 week shift pattern.

they are really settled and have stuff in both houses, 2 homes - it works for us

sadly some see their children as their possessions and use contact as a power play against their ex. The children of those relationships are the most damaged in my experience (work)

50/50 has been the norm in Sweden for so long that long term follow up studies have been done and they show that children who live 50/50 with divorced parents do better than children who don’t. Can’t find the link to the study at the moment but if I do I’ll link it.

Name changed for this!

My ex and I do a 50/50 split and it works really well. The children have full set of school uniform at each house, also all the clothes they need - we don’t want them having to lug suitcases about.

Toys, games, books at each house - just the collection each of us has built up. PlayStation at his - because I think it’s good for them to do without it at mine.

We generally do the change over on a Friday, though are flexible, and will generally have a meal all together, or at least a coffee and a chat, when we do it. We each take an interest in each other’s houses, I’ve noticed the kids really like showing me things at their dads house, and vice versa. They are proud of their bedrooms, things they’ve built in the garden at each house, etc.

They tend to see friends at mine but that’s because they say their dad is really embarrassing, he tries to talk to their friends! Nooooo!

I really wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s meant we (me and ex) have to get on, but I think that in itself is good for the children. It means we’re still a family, just an unusual one.

Also, it means neither of us has to support the other financially, and I think that really helps avoid bitterness and disputes. Am very glad this was what we both wanted, am convinced it is best for our children and would be for many.

(Incidentally, their dad and I both wanted this because we both came from divorced families where the children had stayed with the mothers and seen the dads infrequently. Neither of us wanted to inflict this sadness on our own kids.)

Some friends of ours have done 50/50 really successfully by having the kids stay in the former matrimonial home and the parents move in and out. It (obviously!) wasn't an acrimonious divorce and neither wanted to embark on a new relationship immediately so they basically decided to keep the matrimonial home for now and rent a two-bedroom flat nearby. The one who has the kids then overnights in the house and the other one in the flat. It seems to work very well but, as I say, there were no really hard feelings between them on divorce, but just an acknowledgement that they had grown apart.

I've known a few children who see their parents on a 50/50 basis. Some seem to cope with it, but for others it doesn't work at all and causes extreme anxiety and emotional upset. All the parents however would say it works out and is the best way. I think a lot depends on your child, but personally I would do everything I could to avoid it and instead have one home as the base and see the other parent every other weekend and maybe a midweek overnight.

I was going to mention that study as well @banivani

We currently do 60/40 on nights but day time it's more like 80/20 with more time with me (mum). It works fine for us right now, we get on fine and live around the corner from each other, both see and spend time with boys when the other person has them. For us days are a little split in a awkward way so would like for it to be done a little more straight forward as boys get older so there's a better routine. I'm a sahm so although studies done actually suggest 50/50 is better I don't know how that would work for us

I split with my XH at the end of 2018 and we have a now 3.6yo. It's so so difficult trying to work out what is best for her and how to handle time. Currently she has 3 nights one week and 2 the next with him, but never more than 2/3 nights in one place due to his work schedule. I know he wanted 50/50 but it's so difficult trying to work around where she needs to be and when in regard to childcare etc. He has another DS which he has EOW only, and has to travel to collect/return him meaning he can't really have her full weekends.

I'm trying to change my days at work in order to move to more substantial blocks of time for her, so him having the 2/3 nights per week in a row rather than in 2 bits. It's certainly a challenge but she does seem really really happy and settled whoever she is with at the moment.

Well we do 50/50 or thereabouts and if works great for us. I get on very well with my DC’s father and he is a brilliant dad.

Of course I miss them in the nights they’re with him however if I was to stop them seeing him as much then I feel that it would be very selfish of me. It has to.m be about them.

I’ve got a key to his house too so that probably makes it easier ie to pick up things.

We’ve done it for 4 years now and older DC has just started secondary and got one of he highest SAT scores in her year group (100 kids) across the board and teacher said DC scores were outstanding. I’m pony that out not to brag but to illustrate how she’s doing very well academically so certainly no negative impact there.

Not saying it would work for all but I think 50/50 is the growing trend ideally for the children. Why should they see one parent more than the other? Why should it be the Mam more that the dad? Where historically been the case.

I live in France where 50:50 is the norm. Purely anecdotally it does not seem to be a problem for the children I know, nor do people have the concerns raised here. Eyebrows are more raised for EOW arrangements which are judged negatively, I.e. one parent is seen as slacking off.

I have my Dc 50:50 with Ex. We live very close to each other. The DCs have the same routine, after school activities, see the same friends , etc in both houses. We each see the DCs on the other parent’s week to help out, e.g. Tuesdays the DCs have different activities at the same time so we both take them. The DCs speak to the other parent on the phone Skype and we spend birthdays and Christmas together. We also went on a holiday together. The DCs have enough clothes at each home to last a week, they have toys in both homes and a backpack of stuff gets moved from home to home every week, so not a big move at all.

It actually takes quite a bit of work to keep things civil and friendly with Ex. Like everyone there is a reason he is my Ex, but the way we see it, we are tied to each other for the next 13 years until youngest is an adult. We are planning to move country all together in the next few months.

I have a few Swedish friends who find it crazy that its anything other than 50/50 here. They find the British system very antiquated and unfair.

I think that's a fair point really, if fathers (generally) are only allowed to see their children for 4 or 6 nights a month its hardly surprising that many disengage.

Quite a few of my Swedish friends say that often as children get a bit older they opt for 2 weeks then swap rather than 1 week as its less moving about. Staying with only one parent 80-90% of the time rarely crosses anyones mind though. Both parents generally live fairly close too due to schooling etc so its not like they can't see the other parent for 2 weeks.

Also, it means neither of us has to support the other financially, and I think that really helps avoid bitterness and disputes

Supporting a child, surely? Not another adult. My ex hasn’t paid a penny in 11 years. Sees the children regularly. Beyond me what he has to be bitter about but hey ho, there he is.

Bitterness is not about money in my experience, it is very much a mindset.

And what of 50/50 where there is a huge discrepancy in income? How does that work?

I don’t think there’s much point mentioning Sweden, or studies based in Sweden. It’s a totally different culture, and also far more likely that the parents actually did 50:50 when they were together / Dad took paternity leave for a substantial period etc.

The arrangement when the parents swap in and out is called a “nesting agreement” or sometimes a “Norwegian / Scandinavian arrangement”. Exh and I thought about this at one point - we actually had a flat lined up - but then I remembered he was an EA twat and it was an awful idea!