To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

50/50 can work but I think it could be disruptive if one parent lived further away for example. I think having to split your time between two households 50/50 could potentially be quite stressful too. Can you personally imagine spending your life shifting from one house to another constantly? It would be annoying I think.

It’s more typical for one parent to be a weekend parent or even just every other weekend. It isn’t fair on the resident parent really but there you go.

I think it’s really important to remember when you’re describing your own circumstances, not to try and extrapolate that out into “our way = better for children”.

What you actually mean is “our way is better for our child” and that’s the only important thing.

Nice to read about so many of you putting your children’s wishes first and doing the right thing by them.

Makes me wish I had chosen a better mother for my two. Unfortunately she is entirely focused on herself and is constantly trying to stop all contact between me and the kids, despite them both wanting to see much more of me and my son actually wanting to live here.

He is 13 now and she hasn’t allowed a single overnight for over 18 months.

Please don’t tell me to go to court and get a court order. I have spent every penny I had fighting to see more of my kids and she has invented some vile allegations to block me.

I get that she clearly hates me, but taking that out on the children is awful and I have great respect for those of you who have posted who have worked past that.

50:50 is obviously better for the parents, but it's not good for the child/ren.

WeHaveSnowdrops I think it was pretty clear that I don't understand why you think things are more important than parents. Of course not everyone can afford to have double everything for the DCs, but equally many things are easy to transport in a small bag, so one laptop is easily shared between two homes.

If we are going to compare range of experiences, here is a summary of studies on this question which by far exceeds the number of children you may have seen as an educator:
www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10502556.2014.965578

If 50/50 is better for the parents, why aren’t most couples who are still together sharing the parenting equally?

I’ve not met / heard about one single family where they spilt the family leave equally and both parents work the same hours / cover the same amount of school holiday / sick days and do the same childcare / housework / wifework. I’m sure such family must exist but they are rare as hens teeth.

Yet as soon as they split, everyone is suddenly saying how ideal it is .

Those of you on this thread preaching this - is that how you all run your lives now and always have done since you had kids ?

50:50 is obviously better for the parents

Why? Because you have to spend one week doing everything and then adjust to one week without seeing your DCs at all? Because you have to work at an amicable relationship with the person you divorced from? Because you are committed to decades of living close to the person you divorced from? Because every decision about the family's future like moving homes, changing job hours, etc. still has to be negotiated with the person you divorced from?

50/50 isn't better for us as parents. My ex would struggle to arrange childcare for his unsociable working hours, and I would struggle financially without the generous maintenance he pays which I would not get if we did 50/50.

@Booboostwo nothing in the short summary that is remotely convincing. I'm not forking out money to read the full articles.

I listen to what children say to me. That'll do.

WeHaveSnowdrops yes, clearly I am personally responsible for the fact that a lot of academic work is behind a paywall. It goes along with my snooty assumptions about how wealthy all divorced parents are.

No, no, that won't do at all. Here's a medal for you. Now that will do.

I agree with 50:50 (where both parents are equally good parents).
It seems to work for the people I know who do it that way. No the kids don't have one 'base', but they have two 'homes' - they don't take much between the two, they don't live out of suitcasese, they have the things they need in both places - eg clothes, toys, books.

It goes along with my snooty assumptions about how wealthy all divorced parents are.

Well, you're smug "I'm alright Jack" attitude stinks, doesn't it? Forgive me for caring about other DCs in different circumstances.

You know where you can stick your medal, same place as your compassion for those worse off than you.

Off you pop.

WeHaveSnowdrops you know that other people can read, right? And that they can read the exchange for themselves? So inventing things no one every wrote down won't work quite as well as you need it to.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what comes after "That'll do" and "Off you pop". Is it "Mike drop"? "Tood-a-loo"? "Supercalifragilestekekspialedoscious"?

"That'll do" refers to my acceptance of what children tell me. Their word is good enough for me - it will do.

Weird that you thought otherwise. And it was you who used the same expression in a dismissive manner, hence my response. But pretend that's not what happened, eh?

WeHaveSnowdrops "eh?" is nowhere near as good as the others. I am disappointed.

Just count your money then you'll feel better.

@Waxonwaxoff0 Perhaps if he didn't pay you such 'generous maintenance' and instead got to see his children more often then he would be able to afford the childcare he needs when he has them, or be able to change jobs to one that would work better.

Why should your ex be deprived of his children so that you can get more money from him? Why aren't you capable of supporting yourself?

This is exactly what I said earlier in the thread, its rarely about the needs of the children and more often about money.
It shouldn't be about whether it works for the parents, it should be about whether it works for the children and its up to the parents to be grown up enough to make that work.

Me and my exH have a 50:50 arrangement for our DS. It works really well, he has two homes not mummy's house and daddy's house. We share clothes and toys occasionally go back and forth. We share sick days, swap time around for holidays and it works really well.

In cases of 50/50 shared care what happens with claiming any benefits (if they are needed). Does 1 parent claim them and split them 50/50? Obviously if there are 2 children then you could claim for 1 each.
If the DC only live there for 50% of the time what's the bedroom entitlement for HB purposes? Are they still classed as needing their own room? What if both parents need HB? Can they both claim a 2/3/whatever bedroom rate for the same child?

@whatcanyoumean er, my ex does not want to do 50/50. I've explained that upthread. He doesn't want to change jobs, he would never get a job as well paid as the one he has now as he has no qualifications. He's never once asked to see DS more than he already does. And he HAPPILY pays me that maintenance. We don't go through CMS. He realises that I do way more childcare than him, due to the nature of his work. If you think I'm some monster stopping my ex from having more contact with his child you are completely mistaken.

And I am capable of supporting myself thank you, if I had to I would. But my ex should also support his child. Which he happily does.

Perhaps if he didn't pay you such 'generous maintenance' and instead got to see his children more often then he would be able to afford the childcare he needs when he has them, or be able to change jobs to one that would work better

What’s the point of using childcare when the other parent is happy to have the children

If I suggested to my ex that he got a new job and start doing 50/50 he'd run away screaming. He certainly wouldn't want to give up the 3 week holidays he has with his partner every year.

We do almost 50/50 (4 nights with me, 3 with dad, 1 weekend day each) and we make it work by living a few down.

It’s definitely not for everyone and new partners (I’m already remarried) have to get on board or GTFO, plus, it was hard in the early post break up days but it’s lovely for my DD and really convenient for me and ex, especially when stuff gets forgotten! Our DD was seriously ill at the end of 2018 and spent a year in and out of hospital, we were very grateful that we had such a solid co parenting relationship in place that we could both be at our little girl’s hospital bedside without issues (sadly, some families are so divided that staggered visiting times have to be arranged).

It actually works so well for us that my husband’s ex is trying to relocate nearby so we can 50/50 with my stepdaughter too.

Also failing to see how it would be better for my DS to go to his dad's house only to be sent off to paid childcare while he's at work rather than just be at home with me.

One of the best things about a good co parenting relationship (whether 50/50 or not) is arranging time so it works best for everyone.
Clearly the whole family is better off if the higher earner pays extra maintenance, so the other parent can stay with DC rather than spending the same money on childcare!
As long as it fits with the wants and needs of all, it’s ideal? I would hate for my ex to leave our DD at child care or with a baby sitter without asking me if I wanted to pick up the time with her first!

It’s only a problem if one parent is constantly picking up the other’s slack and maintenance doesn’t reflect that.