To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

@Mummyscrewedup actually I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire! But my child doesn’t need to know that

It won’t work for everyone - either because the parents can’t make it work, or it just doesn’t suit the child’s personality. Mine is very laid back (like her dad!).

So I’d never post on here, “50/50 is great, everyone must do it, I feel really sorry for the poor children that don’t”.

But I post my experience when these threads come up, because it annoys me that they’re always full of people who don’t actually live this, opining about how awful it is, full stop.

It totally depends on the type of children, their ages, the type of parents, their homes, where school is in relation to the homes, who works the most, what the arrangements are when the parents are at work, whether there's other family close by, how much money each parent has and how this affects the quality of life the children can enjoy at each home and how maintenance payments etc affect this. I've heard of dads going for 50/50 to avoid having to pay maintenance, and then putting the DCs into childcare or getting family/new partner to look after them while mum is home alone. That's just shitty parenting. Nothing wrong with childcare, but using it as a way to avoid the other parent seeing the DCs is very wrong.

There isn't a one size fits all answer, it should be decided in the best way to make the children's lives better and simpler, not by which parent misses the kids the most.

I don't recall mentioning eow and 1 night Ellisandra.

I've got DC who have done pretty much 50/50 for around 9 years now. As they are becoming teens one has stuck with 50/50 through choice and the other moved to about 70/30. Different kids with different needs. I've older DC who were EOW with their Dad, this was far easier than 50/50 for me as the parent with them most of the time, but much much harder on the kids. They grew up not really knowing their dad on a day to day basis, whereas my teens know both their parents really well. It's hard to get 50/50 right and communication is key, but ime it's not at all an easy option for the parents, but far preferable for the DC.

@Doyoumind you didn’t mention EOW + 1 night a week, but I used that as an example of a common arrangement that isn’t 50/50.

You said that kids need stability. So, if it’s not 50/50, what pattern do you think does give stability, and why does 50/50 not?

I always find it interesting to read other people's arrangements. Our set-up is approx 70:30, with me the larger share. We were advised that a block of days is better than intermittent, so that's what we agreed.

What works for an only child can be pretty tricky to apply to multiple children (four, in my case.) Favourite teddies do get transported from home to home, because favourites are... well, favourites. I have a long list of things that get packed each week, for different activities. There's no way I/we could afford to double up on football boots, dance gear, musical instruments, scouts uniforms etc for four growing kids. Now the eldest is in secondary school, timetables have to be checked and books planned to cover off the coming days.

For me, it's not as simple as just packing a phone. I find it stressful and difficult packing up for them, and unpacking a few days later. I'm following this thread to see how I can handle this better.

It worked sort of ok for us as my exDH was literally round the corner. I'm still not sure it was great for our DCs though. Not having a permanent home was unsettling for them, I think. I don't know what the answer is :-(

@Ellisandra

Oh honestly, it’s ridiculous that people have that misconception and use the analogy of going to a hotel and unpacking a suitcase 🤦‍♀️

We have a similar set up and my youngest has never known any different and my older at would never speak to me again if I dictated she lives with me the most. I couldn’t do that to them. I’m proud that I put their needs and best interests over and above my own.

I have work colleague and her situation is the same. He oldest is just off to uni so I’m pretty sure she’s coped well too.

When my children are adults I know I’ll be able to look them in the eye and say ‘we done what was best and most fair to you’. I think one of the main issues when parents split is that children feel like they may not see their dad (usually) as much and that’s just incredibly tragic for a child.

At least the courts are going down that route now too. No doubt to stop the DC being used as weapons!!

So yes I agree, 50/50 is the ideal

I do 50/50 with my ex and have done for 4.5 years now. If she's has something to do (family party etc) she'll stay more with him and vice versa.
It can work as long as you can communicate with each other!

50/50 is pretty standard here in California. It's the position of default and a parent would have to have a pretty strong reason for it to be different.

Obviously, as in any divorce, some situations work better than others. My dd had a friend whose parents separated when she was 8 or 9 and she LOVED splitting time equally between her parents because as she would say...she got twice of everything. Her parents were very different and provided very different homes and rules, but she had no problem understanding the structure/or lack thereof in each household and as long as her parents didn't argue (which they were remarkably good about not doing considering how different they were), it was a perfect situation. As this child became a teen, she ended up living full time with her DF because her DM had some mental health issues that made it too difficult to provide a good home. It was an easy transition because she already spent half her time with her DF. I think it's too bad that it's not the standard outside of the USA.

50/50 can be really tough unless the parents get on so well they could have probably stayed married.

I have to try and co parent with my abusive ex, and it is ghastly. Every encounter is a way for him still abuse me, one way or another.

50/50 is fine as an "ideal" but back in the real world many marriages fail due to an uneven power dynamic at best and awful abuse at worst.

I get to see both as DH has a fairly good co-parenting relationship with his ex but the reality is they end up communicating daily to make it work. And it only works because he always pays for everything (she is fine in most respects but completely obsessed with saving money).
It works but I am not sure it is "ideal" as the children constantly leave PE kit or homework etc at the wrong house and I feel sorry for them having to be so organised

For my children it is totally shit as they get to see their dad being abusive to me at every pick up and he hides anything they bring from my house to his. And bad mouths me. And I don't think they are at all safe there and they have disclosed abuse to their head teacher but Cafcass just don't want to know.

I see it as something it is fine for parents to agree to but dreadful for courts to impose when they just don't have the time or skill to identify abuse.

Better for a child to have 2 happy homes that 1 unhappy 1.

Interesting perspective from both sides Never, and with two totally different examples to show why it isn't always best, or advisable.

I think we are pretty behind the times in UK with our thinking on shared care, and I can see from many posts how misunderstood 50/50 care is.
My OH and I had 50/50 care of my SD because that was what was best for her (not him specifically). He sought out a job that enabled him to have my SD on a regular pattern and stayed in it despite being offered promotions to change. Work is a hefty issue to overcome 50/50 logistics and you need to be prepared to make concessions. I always hear that you also need a great relationship with the ex... sadly OH's ex was batshit, but we kept on working at it every day because that was what my SD wanted. He is the most caring father and an active parent, not a bank balance or a weekend dad. I think it would be wrong for a passive dad to ask for 50/50 - but who is enabling passive dad in the first place? My OHs pro active parenting is one of his most attractive features. Surely we want to encourage more equal roles in shared parenting (together or not!) in a progressive society?

The main issue in the UK is that even now it's still default that the mother has the children the majority of time. Every other weekend became every other weekend and one night in the week at best.
Child support is tied to the amount of time a child spends with a parent and there are regular threads on here about 'he doesn't pay so I want to stop him seeing them' and so on. It's still often the case here that the mother has stayed at home with the child so doesn't have her own career and money and therefore the more time she has with her children the more money she will get.

It's very rarely that people genuinely consider what is best for their child. Its either to score points or more money or some other shit and it has also led to the largely accepted 'absent father' where society doesn't expect them to have a hugely active role as a parent and there are no real penalties for not paying child support.

I offered my ex husband almost 50/50 originally and then 5 nights in 14 and he would only agree to 2 nights a fortnight and generally didn't even have that (his choice). His family thought this was fine, his parents thought he was a great dad, his friends saw no issue that he would only see his child maybe once a month sometimes (and yes they knew he could have seen her more).
Yes my child had a 'home' with me but it certainly wasn't the best thing for her. He had been a stay at home dad when she was little and STILL he was that disinterested when we split up (and society thought that was just fine).
She's now almost an adult, he chose to move hundreds of miles away a few years ago and now she see's him a few times a year. She certainly never felt 'more secure' for having a single home. She felt that she had lost her father.

3 nights here and 4 nights there would be pretty unsettling, I can see that, but a week or a fortnight each with a loving parent... This is common in many European countries and in many areas of the US. The UK is seriously stuck in the dark ages with this idea that children 'belong' to mum and should just 'visit' dad.
These children are not 'lacking a home' - they have 2 homes with 2 parents.

I agree with the pp who say that the mothers above in question would certainly be demanding 50/50 if they were the ones being offered every other weekend and maybe a night in the week.

It wouldn’t work for my children at all. Luckily my ex and I are in agreement. I have 100% custody, but my ex sees our children nearly every day. Our children are very young and really didn’t handle being separated from me very well when we first split.

So at the beginning we would all do things together, then built up to my ex doing things on his own with the girls, now we have a nice mixture of alone time and all of us doing family things together. One of my daughters still really struggles being away from me, and I’m so glad my ex put her best interests first. If we had had a set visitation schedule she would not have coped (she has severe anxiety/possible ASD)

I really don’t think there should be a one size fits all approach. Every child and family situation is so different. And if exes argue and don’t get along that complicates things even more. Too often what is best for the children is lost in the shuffle of everything being fair and even.

I have 50/50 with my ex and it works well. We’ve worked up to it over a couple of years because the children asked for it to be more evenly split. They have their things at both homes and refer to them both as home.

Communication is key and I’m fortunate that I get on well with my ex and his partner.

It might not work for everyone but it definitely works for our children.

How is it in the interests of the parents to have the DCs 50;50?

In an ideal world I would have married someone who I still wanted to be married to, but given that the relationship broke down I think we are all in agreement that the marriage had to end. So the DCs have to be parented by someone and two people, with an equal claim, are willing and able. Don’t the DCs have the right to be patented by both their willing partners?

My DCs do say they miss the other parent each week, but I can’t see any contact arrangement that would solve that. Other than that, we have similar parenting styles and slightly different lifestyles which the DCs claim to enjoy. It is very hard work to keep this going, for many reasons, but I do it because it seems fairest to give my DCs a chance at having two parents when two parents are present and interested in parenting.

Wouldn't work in a lot of places however people seem to favour them personally my kids dont really see him my youngest hasnt since Christmas his choice, my ex emotionally abuses his kids and wonders why they dislike him which leads to more rage from him directed at them and the cycle continues

On a personal note neither of my friends who have split from their partners have gone 50/50 due to work because one parent always works less hours to accommodate the children so it makes no sense to pay childcare

We have 50:50 with DSC. It's better with a week on and a week off. It's still complicated though. Very different parenting styles. One very very forgetful 11 yo so always leaving stuff at mums. Communication is bad and conflict is high.

It's my firm belief that children need a base, a home. 50/50 means they don't.

If the children stayed in the house and the parents moved out alternate weeks, that could work.

We’re not divorced and hopefully never will be... but hypothetically, I can’t see my DH asking for 50/50 ever.
He works too many hours so I wouldn’t even be possible. You’d have to have two parents that work similar hours for 50/50 to work I guess? Otherwise on half the days you’d be way more reliant on childcare which I’m not sure is fair.

Ex and I do 50/50 - it works because we live 5 minutes away from each other, and also from school. So everything is in a small radius. Plus Ex and I are happy to communicate about day to day stuff, and to flex when needed (e.g. holidays etc). We actually alternate days which sounds crazy but mimics what we would do school pick-up-wise if we lived together.

DS is very happy with it and would miss one of us if he had to spend a meaningful length of time away. He doesn’t know any different as it has been happening since he was a toddler. Ex and I parent similarly and he has everything he needs at each house.

Very conscious that it only works because ex is great, and we communicate very well. Plus we’ve both arranged work so that it’s possible. Our respective partners are also incredibly supportive. If it ever stops working for DS then we’ll change it but he’s actively said he likes this arrangement and wouldn’t want it to change.

To add: DS feels he has two homes - he’s said this.

Again, I think this is because we have the privilege of him having absolutely everything he needs at each home - he has two versions of the same bunk bed, for example.

Was reflecting and I don’t think it would work if we started this arrangement now - it would be disruptive now he’s older.