To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

Surely in 2020, it's a bit unreasonable to be using pre 1989 terminology for arrangements for children. We now, in England, have child arrangement orders that set out who a child "lives with" and "spends time with".

Generally agree that splitting time 50:50 won't work well (though there are cases when it does) for reasons others have said around needing to have a home and not be living out of suitcases or having to be extra organised or take overnight bags to school etc.

The primary question is not what the parents want but what is best for the children. It is rarely best for anyone to have to split their time equally between two houses, especially if you're moving every few days.

The question of who gets to be the resident parent again should be decided on the basis of what is best for the children. Lots of factors play into that and it may not be clear cut. If you can be amicable about the arrangements it's really helpful, because it allows for more flexibility in order to suit the children's changing needs.

I’m always really interested in real life experiences on threads about this, both positive and negative. But I am at the usual comments from people without experience throwing out comments like “nomad”.

My 10yo has had two homes since she was 4.5yo.

Last year, in an NSPCC worksheet at school, they had to write a list of places where they felt safe. She wrote: “my two homes”.

She has favourite stuff at both places. The only thing that she has ever bothered to take between homes, is her mobile phone!

I’ve been dragged upstairs on drop off, to see her newly decorated room (my old house) and her dad has been told to come in and see her sunflower height.

She’s actually about 70/30 with me, but the time with her dad comes in blocks of time when I’m on shift at work - so she’ll do 4 nights there some weeks, 1 others.

Not sure why a PP said it would make clubs hard? Whoever she’s with, takes her to her clubs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’re very flexible. She’s texted me to say, “stepmum is doing a curry tonight - can I stay here another night?” and I say “yum, of course - enjoy!”

Would she rather have one home and two loving parents living together? Of course she would. Although... she’d now say, “not if I have to give up SM’s tandoori chicken!”

Is she at all ‘nomadic’ now? No.
She’s perfectly happy. Her friend’s family have a holiday home in Norfolk, they go maybe 30 weekends a year, and that seems quite similar - it’s another home.

Of course I’m biased that I wanted this to work. That said - if she needed one “home”, it would have been mine in our case, so perhaps I’m not biased, I would have had her more.

I’ve spent large chunks of my adult life working away from home during the week, with an apartment in another city. Doesn’t bother me at all - and that’s properly living out of a suitcase!

I do not think this would work for every child. It depends more on their personality than anything else, I think.

I can see that it would be far nicer to have two places that are both truly home, than one home that you leave for 2 nights a week to stay in “dad’s house”. She isn’t a visitor there, she’s a resident.

There are many ways to manage homes post divorce, and I’m not sure that those who aren’t actually facing it idly chatting about what is and isn’t awful really helps anyone. Do you think that those of us who have had to find a way to manage it (it’s really not done for fun you know) and who worry they’ve done the right thing really need people with no experience at all, telling us how awful it is for our “nomadic” children?

@independentfriend why would my child be taking an overnight bag to school?

What would she be taking? PJs, toothbrush, clothes for next day?

The only thing she has ever taken between homes, is a mobile phone.

@Quartz2208 my decision to propose 4/3 to my XH (who was very passive and would have taken whatever he was told) had nothing to do with being ‘fair’ to each parent. I wasn’t trying to create equal time for each of us with our child. I was trying to create equal (ish) time for our child, with us.
Don’t assume that 50/50 is a decision made by parents for parents.
I’d far rather have had my child 6/7, and I could have done. But I didn’t think that was right for her.

My friend does 50-50. Like pp, her daughter never talks about home just mummy and daddy’s houses.

She is really unsettled (parents live about 15 miles apart). I would never say but I think she needs a base, where all her stuff is and she can call home. She is eight now, and has been doing this since she was one.

She got very stressed in P1 and often cried in school because she couldn’t remember where she was supposed to sleep that night.

I think it comes down to the people involved. My parents split when I was a teenager, and I chose to be with my Dad full time. I had no interest in splitting my time, and frankly as it was my Mum who had cheated and was now with the other man I felt like she had chosen to leave our family. We did still see each other, and she would come to visit at our house, I’d visit her’s, or we’d go out somewhere, but I never stayed at her’s overnight.
My brother was a lot younger than me, and at first the are arrangement was that he would do Monday-Friday with me and Dad, then Friday evening to Sunday evening with Mum. It gradually slipped to every other weekend, and possibly even less frequently but when I grew up and moved out I think he was still doing every other weekend.

I do think that there seems to be a societal expectation that when couples split, the mum is the primary parent. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful dad who was just as involved in raising us as mum had been. He was more likely to be the one to look after me if I was off school ill, he drove me to clubs/activities, took me to the football/theatre/concerts. I actually get on really well with my mum now, and it was a long time ago, but there will always be a piece of me that will never forgive her for breaking up our family. Maybe if there hadn’t been anyone else involved, and the split had been more of a mutual decision, I would have been more interested in a more even split of my time.

Interestingly, I wonder how many of the posters who think that eow and a night in the week is a good solution, would still be content if it was them subjected to that, rather than their ex.

50-50 requires a lot of cooperation, and is perfect, but I'm not sure there is a perfect solution, because it's trying to find the best out of a not ideal situation to begin with. I think alternating weeks with a nesting model is probably as good as it gets, but that's not financially viable or practical long term for many.

• isn't perfect...

You’ve missed the point @Hugtheduggee

It’s not about what one adult subjects the other adult to. It’s about what is best for the children.

I don’t know why this is such a hard concept for people to grasp.

I remember researching this before and the consensus was that it's not (typically) ideal for children. Which makes sense. I'd hate to have two homes and all the stress that goes with that. I remember in my twenties working away during the week and coming home for the weekend and it was such a pain, always forgetting stuff, never settled etc. I can imagine it would be considerably harder for a child.

I don’t understand how people can’t understand that a child doesn’t rage a toothbrush and overnight bag to school 🙄

They have two of most things. Cloths at both house/school uniforms/toys...

What if the children don’t want to only stay with their dad 1 night a week? What if that’s too long away from him? What if they have a ‘home’ but they don’t want to spend 6/7 nights there as it’s too long to wait to see their dad...

Would mothers honestly say ‘right then you can spend 6 nights with your dad and 1 with me because I want you to have one home only’.... I suspect not! I suspect if a judge granted that they’d be fighting to have 50/50 so it can’t be expends dad or child is ok with that. Particularly if he’s a great dad and always been around.

The child with one ‘home’ only.... because the man is raging the dad had ab affair so used the child as a pawn in her game to get back at dad. That child’s got one home but I’m almost certain that that child will have issues far more than a child with two living parents putting their needs aside and making sure the child had equal access.

Also not sure why we shouldn’t look at the Scandinavian countries as they seem to do a lot of things better than us.....

I've got 2 friends who did 50/50 with their ex partners and it was/is very successful.

They both did it in almost identical ways. The children didnt pack a case every few days they had pretty much everything at both houses. So it was only odds & ends like phones etc which needed to be taken between the 2 houses.

One friends son is now in his 20s and has said to her that obviously he wishes his parents had stayed together but as they didnt he feels the ser up they had gave him the best of both worlds.

My other friend has younger children so is still living with the 50/50 custody & again it's working well.

Having said that both marriages broke up amicably which obviously helps.

It might be the minority but it can work

@Hugtheduggee some people always say that, but really - it’s not like adults can say “oh I wouldn’t like two homes - so sorry XH/XW, you’re not having your child overnight. And sorry child - no more bedtime with mum/dad for you”.

How much choice is there, really?
In very many splits, one of the parties really doesn’t even want it.

I suppose I’m close to be one who is subjected to it, because of divorce.

I have a great job. My XH and I planned to move to France as I was offered promotion to our head office there. We divorced instead. So I had to keep going in my UK role (I wasn’t moving to France without my child!) which means I travel a lot. My child goes to her dad when I travel, so actually - I pretty much do experience the same balance of two homes. Except my second “home” is a hotel and a suitcase on my own miles from home, and hers is her own bedroom with her dad and stepfamily, with same access to friends and clubs. It’s fine. For both of us.

EL0ISE, no I do get that, but I think a lot of the posters who advocate it assume they will get the bulk of the time. Its a lot easier for people to say 'it's for the children' when they aren't the ones that will miss out on their relationship.

I’ve seen cases where the parents swap homes rather than the children.

So they have a flat for the grown ups and a room each and a main house which houses the kids and each parent on ‘their’ time.

Sounds a much better arrangement.

It works for us perfectly and it's 100% what is right for the kids imo. We both live in the same village. We do week on week off, I drop off to school Monday morning and he does pick up and has them the week through to drop off the next Monday morning and then it's my turn. The kids have everything they need in both houses so don't need to pack bags. They are being raised by 2 loving parents equally. It is fair on both parents as we (of course) both wanted custody. My question would be why wouldn't it be 50/50 unless one parent was unfit?

Would you like to live between 2 houses, shifting every few days? Really?? Poor kids. Kids should have a home and quality contact with the other parent.

I don't think it's best for the children. I feel like they need a place to call home and some stability. I can see how some parents want it because it works for them.

I know there is a chance that my ex will push for 50:50 in the future for financial reasons - once DC are capable of looking after themselves with very little supervision. We have had many years of DC having a main home with me and his as a second home and I am certain my DC wouldn't want 50:50 but that wouldn't be a concern for my ex and I can see a court granting it.

@ItchySeveredFoot it's great to read it worked for you. Thank you. I've had so much stick for 'allowing' 50/50 as a mum but I don't see it like that.

I too think 5050 doesn't work for most situations. I think in v.v amicable splits where parents live very close to each other and still work well as a team it can work but its hard for most to achieve that.

I have some custody of mine with no contact allowed for their father. That's pretty grim too

@Porkeypine quite! This sympathy for my child presumably looking like an evacuee in the playground with all her belongings is just laughable. In 6 years I can think of one time she decided she just had to have trainers from my house. Her dad texted and ask if I was in. I wasn’t, but told him where the spare key was - and on their way home from school (past my house) they ambled in to collect them. But, that doesn’t fit with the imaginations of people with zero experience of this who prefer to hand wring over her carting a suitcase to school to “live out of”

@ellisandra but you are clearly very amicable to be able to do that. Way too many doing 5050 just aren't. It CAN work well but only when the parents are child focused and can work well together

I think 50/50 would work for most children once the routine has been established. I bet if there was less financial rewards for the RP you would see more 50/50 cases.

I hate all this primary carer stuff when in a marriage and family you are pulling in the same direction

@doyoumind why is EOW + a day in the week more stable than alternating 3/4 night weeks? Any pattern can be stable.