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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 03/02/2020 16:49

What age are the kids?

AlwaysCheddar · 03/02/2020 16:50

Sorry, just seem age. Perhaps having 2 is too much. Be grateful perhaps for the offer, and have a special night with the one that doesn’t go away.

gamerchick · 03/02/2020 16:51

Well that's up to you OP. But I wouldn't willingly take on 2 toddlers overnight. One at a time is reasonable.

Maybe you should keep them until they're older and more self sufficient.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2020 16:51

No sorry, I think kids should absolutely learn that they don't always get exactly the same. The older one will go to parties and activities the younger one can't and vice versa. So long as there's a reasonably equal share of visits between them so it's not like one is favoured over other than one at a time is perfectly reasonable.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 16:52

How old are IL’s? If they’re elderly and frail I can see how and why a 2 and 3 year old would be too much work.

PumpkinP · 03/02/2020 16:52

Yabu, I have 4 people won’t take them all together. I think it’s fine aslong as they both get to go and one isn’t favoured

ActualHornist · 03/02/2020 16:52

@AlwaysCheddar 2 and 3? Confused

Sorry, I can see where you’re coming from but YABU. So long as she isn’t favouring one child over the other then she should be able to take one at a time as I’m sure she’s doing it so it’s a) easier for her b) she (and you!) gets some 121 time.

Either don’t let them go until they’re older and can understand or explain that bro/sis is staying with nanny so you get some lovely time together.

windycuntryside · 03/02/2020 16:52

Yabu . Two little ones is hard work. She Is more likely to enjoy them one at a time. Plus when they bicker is awfully irritating.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2020 16:53

Also you may well find as they get older they really enjoy having time when it's just them without the annoying sibling. Mine love going with their grandparents, aunt etc or even me or their dad on their own.

busybarbara · 03/02/2020 16:53

They need to have experiences of being apart and this seems ideal. They’ll need to learn eventually so start now

Boom45 · 03/02/2020 16:53

One at a time is fine, only ever having one and never the other isn't.
My 2 are close in a age and get on really well but I think it's nice for them to do stuff alone now and again - and the one that stays at home gets 1 on 1 time with you.

Original poster
Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:53

I have said I'd rather have them at home together than separated. There's always been an issue with favouritism from them towards DS anyway so I feel as though DD isn't getting the same attention from them. They've never had DD alone. Never offered.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 03/02/2020 16:53

I don’t think it’s too unreasonable, especially if your fil has been unwell. I’d be glad of the opportunity of one on one time with the other child. I do this with my two occasionally.

Unusualsuspicion · 03/02/2020 16:54

If she has them both to stay at different times surely that's fair? Confused My 3 do that with their granny (one by one) and they love being spoilt and having the one-on-one time. They all have a close bond with each other too but being separated for one night is hardly a huge deal. I can understand your dm not wanting two preschoolers overnight, that's a big ask.

Pretenditsaplan · 03/02/2020 16:54

She doesnt have to have them at all. She wants to but two are clearly too much at this age for her espcially if her husbands been ill recently. If your worried shell favour one over the other then set a rota of which one stays. Theyll have seperate lives growing up and have seperate friends and seperate parties etc they need to get used to being apart occasionally. Are you sure its not because you feel like if you have a babysitter then you should have a completely child free night?

Batqueen · 03/02/2020 16:54

If she only ever wanted your son or only ever wanted your daughter, I would say that’s not on, but if she is happy to alternate then I think that you aren’t really being fair. She may find both a lot and it is nice for each of them to get one on one time with you and with their grandmother.

Crazycrazylady · 03/02/2020 16:54

I think you're being unfair here.
She obviously finds 2 very small kids very hard but rather than say no. she is happy to have them separately rather than not having them at all. Not to mention that i think Its nice for the kids to have some one on one time with a) your Mil and b) their parents.
They wont always be able to do everything together and a few random nights a year is nothing.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 16:55

My DM only started babysitting my DC when they surpassed toddler age. She hasn’t had my youngest yet and he’s 15 months old, I suspect she won’t bother till he’s out of nappies again. You just have to accept that toddlers are hard work so two of them simultaneously may be asking too much.

museumum · 03/02/2020 16:55

I think it’s nice to have them individually but I’d insist they take DD first as they’ve not had her yet and then strict turns so no favourites.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/02/2020 16:55

YABU. The whole point of the children’s seeing their grandparents is to have a relationship with them. Not to provide you with child free nights.
If they can only manage one at a time safely, then that is how it is. It would be very very nasty to tell them they must have all the children at once or never have any of the children.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 16:56

YABU they're really young and probably two of them is too much for her. I could understand why you would be annoyed if she said she would only ever take your son (or your daughter) but that doesn't sound like it's the case.

Elouera · 03/02/2020 16:56

How old are the MIL/FIL? Either way, I too wouldn't have 2 toddlers overnight! Be grateful for the offer of taking 1.

My cousin used to leave her kids with our grandparents. They weren't in the best health, and could only manage if both adults stayed in the house, otherwise the kids were just too much for 1 on their own. They presumably still need help with toileting, washing, dressing etc etc which takes alot of work. Surely the night away also gives you time to bond with 1 child on their own at your home.

FlashingFedora · 03/02/2020 16:56

I think YABVU. My sibling always expects my parents to have both kids and they are a nightmare together bouncing off each other and fighting. My parents are in there 70's and find it really stressful and tiring. They're more than happy to have any one of their grandchildren overnight, one at time. One is much much easier than 2 and I actually think it's nice for grandchildren to get some one on one time with their grandparents and time away from their sibling.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/02/2020 16:56

If you think it's a favouritism think, suggest that she takes DD first. Depending on her reaction, take it from there.

pictish · 03/02/2020 16:56

I think yabu. If she is good enough to do overnighters then that’s great! I wouldn’t rock the boat by imposing a condition such as this on it. Each child will get quality one to one time with granny. They will soon get used to the fact that they take turns staying at granny’s. They shouldn’t be presented as a twin pack or encouraged to think of themselves as such.