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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think if you can't have both then you shouldn't have either?

189 replies

Hjwk · 03/02/2020 16:48

I'm newish to this so don't really know all the right terms so forgive me!

I've got 2 kids, DD2 and DS3. Every now and again they stay at my parents overnight together. They've got there own little room together there and they love it.

In the past MIL has just had DS overnight alone but this is when DD was alot younger. DD seemed a bit lost when he wasn't here and it was clear she missed him. She hasn't had either for a while due to FIL ill health etc.

Now she feels ready to have them again but only one at a time. I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.

So, Aibu to think that if you can't have one of them then you shouldn't have either. I really don't think it's fair but I'd like to see what others think!

OP posts:
JRUIN · 04/02/2020 11:34

My mum used to just have one of my kids stay over at a time. I think it's good for the kids to get away from each other for a bit, and for them to have one to one time with the grandparents, while the child left behind gets the undivided attention from the parents. Also it's great that your kids get on so well OP but in a year or so's time that could all change and you'll be glad of the chance to have them separated to get a bit of peace and harmony.

LettertoHermoine · 04/02/2020 11:49

Kids don't come as a pair!!!!!! What a ridiculous statement. Kids are individuals, not Siamese twins.

grisen · 04/02/2020 12:08

Stayed at my grandparents a lot when I was younger and hardly ever with any of my 3 younger siblings. I loved the 1 on 1 time, being allowed to watch what ever I wanted and choose the food and whatever.
Be grateful she wants to have one of them over at a time. We have no one close to us so no matter what it's just the two of us. It does sound ungrateful of you to insist she has 2 or nothing. Doesn't matter that she's "only" 50, she's done with having kids and you had 2. And you say you're not in it for a childfree night and that you're a carer to your husband OP. But you're a carer to him 2 kids at home, 1 kid at home or none.
Why are you so desperate for them to go away together?

NaviSprite · 04/02/2020 12:32

I kind of get it OP but on balance will say YABU but I understand your concerns regarding favouritism.

I’ve got twins (2yo) and until recently the easiest to look after of the two was DD, so my Mum and MIL were champing at the bit to have DD overnight since she was 9mo.

Nobody ever asked to have DS. Since hitting 2yo DD is a Velcro toddler (with me) and has discovered her screaming voice when having a tantrum. Now they’re both asking to have DS to ‘help give me a break’ because he’s still rather quiet and loves cuddles and will happily sit on a lap and have books read to him (unlike DD who will squirm, pull away and rip up the book if you give her half a chance Grin).

I think it’s more about what they feel they can handle rather than outright favouritism on their part and it’s nice that they want to see them.

As mine are twins, when one is away the other notices straight away and it’s difficult for them to fully understand yet, but it’s a good way for me to get 1-2-1 time with whichever is staying at home as that’s a real bugger to balance out when I have both with me! So whilst I would love for both to get to go on a night away together (and I will unashamedly admit I’d like the child free night!) I value the time I get with the twin at home whilst the other gets to enjoy themselves at their GP’s.

I have said as they get older I don’t mind if they still want one at a time to stay over but they will have to take it in turns with who goes.

PreseaCombatir · 04/02/2020 12:34

Depends why she’s doing it. My nan used to do this to my mum, it was a way of ensuring she never went anywhere, as she would never have a child free night. controlling AF

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 12:40

Personally I don't let my children stay with anyone who says they can't cope. If they can't cope with two children they probably couldn't handle the juggling of priorities of one during an emergency either and would make poor decisions.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 04/02/2020 12:43

I have nieces and nephews who are all adults now, and I routinely took each one of them seperately to things from when they were small.

And now I go out with them as individuals as well too.

You are being U and also rather PFB about it. Let them grow as two little individuals, don't force them to be joined at the hip.

And say thanks to your mum for her offer too.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 04/02/2020 12:50

My Gran sometimes had one of us sometimes both. I enjoyed the times on my own far more. My two love one on one time with my Mum. I mean they are with each other all the time at home, it's nice to have that uninterrupted time with someone isn't it? I like it now with friends or family.

It's things like my eldest loves to cook but my youngest doesn't, he'd much rather be in the garden. Mum finds it much easier to spend time with them while not juggling different preferences.

I don't really know many people who would jump at the chance of having two children overnight if there was a chance of having only one of them.

cologne4711 · 04/02/2020 12:51

Personally I don't let my children stay with anyone who says they can't cope. If they can't cope with two children they probably couldn't handle the juggling of priorities of one during an emergency either and would make poor decisions

Total rubbish. Two kids is completely different to one. I've had one child and have managed absolutely fine. Give me two small ones and I wouldn't be sure I could cope.

Cremebrule · 04/02/2020 12:51

I love it when I have 1:1 time with either child. My 3 year old is off to grandparents soon and will have a wonderful time being unrestricted by her sister’s naps etc. We will need to even things up eventually so the younger one gets the same chance for 1:1 time with them which will be harder as the older one will not want to miss out. Our age gap is bigger than the OPs but divide and rule is working for us at the moment.

thaegumathteth · 04/02/2020 12:55

Tbh my kids didn't sleep over anywhere until they were older than your two BUT if they were going to I wouldn't insist it be all or nothing because it would do the kids good to have time apart I think .

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2020 12:59

Just enjoy spending some quality one to one time with the other child,

FlowerArranger · 04/02/2020 12:59

It will be good for each of your children to have some one on one time with their grandmother.

In any case better than having her overwhelmed by having to cope with two, which may be too much for her.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/02/2020 13:00

I voted YABU, @Hjwk - I agree with the previous posters on here who have said that it is good for the children to get some time on their own with their grandparents.

I am a similar age to your MIL - I'm 55 - and I can tell you that, although I am by no means an OAP, I would still struggle to cope with two toddlers at once. It may be hard for you to appreciate now, but you don't have to be getting your pension to feel a bit past coping with two small children at once.

Obviously, there shouldn't be favouritism - your dd should get equal time with her grandparents - but it is not fair for you to insist that the grandparents have both children or neither - it's not fair to the grandparents OR the children.

I had the most wonderful MIL - and she never had all three of my dses at once. She had them singly, and each of them had some wonderful times with her - they felt special, they got 1-2-1 attention that they weren't getting at home, because of their siblings, and they made some wonderful memories that helped them come to terms with her death a few years ago (they were all adults when she passed on, but all still remember going and staying with her).

It is lovely that your two children have such a close bond - but it is still good for them to spend time without the other - it is something they will need to get used to, in the fullness of time. And the child that stays behind could have a special treat with you and your dh - movie night with snacks, or something else they'd enjoy. And they'd get time with their parents, without their sibling there - that is valuable too.

JosefKeller · 04/02/2020 13:26

If they have them in turn, then of course it's absolutely fine. It's much easier to look after one child, and you are very BU.

If the youngest is now old enough to stay there, and they alternate, it's a non-issue.

It's just not a babysitting service.

JosefKeller · 04/02/2020 13:28

I would still struggle to cope with two toddlers at once.
most people will.

Even if you have toddler yourself, your house is set up for your own child, you are always a lot more cautious and have to be a lot more careful with somebody else's child.

nestisflown · 04/02/2020 13:36

I can barely cope with my own two toddlers...I wouldn't inflict that on my mum/ MIL. So much easier to focus on and enjoy time with one child at a time. As long as they both get one on one time with grandparents, then it sounds like a lovely idea. Your children, your choice but I think you're being slightly unreasonable.

Bunnyfuller · 04/02/2020 13:40

There’s a bit of CF-ery here. Parent your children fgs. They don’t have to go together and actually you’re lucky you have the offer at all.

zogezellig · 04/02/2020 13:50

I'm really not happy with this, they have a very close bond and one isn't going to understand why the other has gone to stay with nanny without them.
Then you explain it to them. You say in a later post that they have one on one time with you, so they're separated then and they know this and accept it. Now they should have one on one time with nana too, especially if there is any favouritism with the oldest. They need it to bond with the youngest as well.

dietcokeandwine · 04/02/2020 13:54

Sorry OP, it’s another YABVU here.

It’s a lovely opportunity for you to have one on one time with one child and an equally lovely opportunity for the other to have time with grandparents.

Children are individuals, a close bond is lovely but they should not need to be joined at the hip.

zogezellig · 04/02/2020 13:56

Silly and ungrateful? You really don't know the half of it so it's nice of you to assume. Thanks for your input

OP, can you understand that maybe you are in the wrong here and need to rethink this? Or are you someone who has never ever been wrong about anything and are absolutely perfect? No, of course not, nobody is. People have been a bit harsh in their replies but the fact that so many people disagree with you should show you that you're probably wrong to not let them go separately.

tootiredtospeak · 04/02/2020 13:58

As long as its equal I think its okay a 2 and 3yr old are hard work. If it was just DS every week or 3 out of 4 then I would be annoyed. It isnt going ro stop them being close having one night apart but only you know your own familys dynamics.

Drabarni · 04/02/2020 14:01

One at a time seems like all they can manage.
A shame they should miss out on a relationship because you think the kids should go together.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 15:37

Two toddlers are a handful for a 55 year old or anyone who isn't the parent.

As she's your MIL, you can see it's a long time ago she had a toddler.

I'm not her age and I wouldn't want 2 overnight....no matter how angelic you say they are.

YABU... and more so, because you refuse to see other views on it.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/02/2020 15:43

My mom favoured my daughter still does my daughter is 20 this year painfully aware of this and outraged that nanny rarely visits unless she is in my home